The First Time Is Always the Hardest

Just like any other given day, I walked to the waiting bus with Vanessa to start our trip home. Something in the pit of my stomach kept telling me it was going to be bad, but I didn't listen. I pushed it aside as we climbed the steps to get on and found my seat. Vanessa sat next to me, both of us hoping that she would stay there the entire trip home and maybe we both would be O.K.

A few minutes later we heard him coming. He was loud and obnoxious making his way through the crowd and it sounded like he wasn't angry for us telling on him. Again, we were very wrong. The closer he got to the bus, the more terrified Vanessa and I became. I saw the top of his head as he climbed into the bus and grabbed onto Vanessa's hand as tight as I could. We looked at each other, then closed our eyes. We didn't want to look at him.

"MOVE BITCH!" His voice rang out infront of us. He was yelling at Vanessa, only inches away from her face. Both of our eyes flew open and we froze, not knowing what to do.
"I SAID MOVE BITCH! OR I'LL THROW YOU OUT!" he demanded.
Vanessa gave me a quick glance, I nodded and with my eyes told her it was O.K. I didn't want her to get hurt. Better only 1 of us do, than both of us. Plus, I felt like it was my fault. If it wasn't for me, she wouldn't be in the situation anyway. Vanessa quickly moved from the seat and O'Neil sat down in her spot. He turned to me, giving me a look that scared me to death. I knew he'd be mad when the VP talked to him, but I didn't think he'd be in any real trouble since it was obvious she didn't believe me or at least didn't think I was an unwilling participant. Plus, he was on the bus, so he obviously didn't get in any trouble.

He didn't say anything to me until the bus was moving to start the route home.
"So you wanna tell the VP that I'm harrassing you, huh? Did you really think that would make me stop? I told her you started it! She doesn't believe you for shit now!" He says, laughing at the end.

I didn't say anything, I just kept my head down. I didn't want to make him any more upset b/c I didn't know what to expect now and even if he DID do something.. who was I going to tell now?

His friends were sitting around us, asking him "why you gonna take that shit from her?", "she's just a stupid white bitch, set her straight".

Other things were being said, but I just closed my eyes and tried to block them out. All I could think of was getting home until something interupted my thoughts.

"I SAID DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU'D GET AWAY WITH IT?? DON'T FUCKING IGNORE ME, BITCH!"

I cringed at the sound of his voice but before I even had a chance to say anything back, my face was stinging. He hit me! He actually HIT ME! He slapped me across the face while screaming at me "ANSWER ME BITCH!"

I stammered over my words, I didn't know what to say. I knew that no matter WHAT I said it wasn't going to be the right thing. I didn't want to give him any more ammo so I just shook my head no and hung my head. My shoulders were slumped over, head down and eyes squeezed shut. I just wanted to disappear. Maybe I should have kept my eyes open that way I could have seen what was coming next, but I didn't.

He was shaking me now. Hard. So hard my teeth were rattling. He had turned me around to face him so that him and his friends could see the fear in my face as he shook me.

"Hit her again! I think she might cry!" A voice rang out
"Damn man.. she's just flat out ignoring you. Makin' you look like a punk" Said another

SLAP! SLAP! Was what I felt next. Both sides of my face were in fire and the hot tears running down my face seemed to make it burn even more. I was being shaken like a rag doll and slapped around. I looked up towards the front of the bus to see if the bus driver was looking, but he wasn't. He eyes were glued to the road but the other kids on the bus had now all turned to watch me. There was some laughing (a lot from his friends) some what sounded like a nervous laugh as if to say "damn.. I'm glad that isn't me", while others just watched.

Then a voice I didn't recognize said "leave her alone". It was a quiet voice, not yelling, but speaking low. I don't know how I heard it over the roar of the others, but I heard it. I didn't know from what direction it came from so I searched the crowd as best as I could.

"I said leave her alone!" The voice came again. This time, a tall thin spanish guy stood up from the back of the bus and started walking towards us. I think O'Neil was in shock that someone actually stood up to him b/c he stopped shaking me, but didn't let me go.

I looked up and saw this small framed spanish boy standing in front of me with sad eyes. I didn't know if they were sad b/c of what he was seeing, or if they always looked like that since I had never noticed him before. He put his hand on O'Neil's forearm and said "Let her go". Suprisingly, O'Neil did. By this time, the bus driver was yelling at us to sit down. The spanish boy grabbed my hand and brought me back to his seat with him.

"What's your name?" He asked as we sat

"J" I whispered barely loud enough for anyone to hear.

"Hey, J. I'm Henry"

I still had my head down, I didn't want to look at anyone. My face was still on fire and I knew it was blood red. How am I going to get off this bus now?
I closed my eyes and started to massage my cheeks wishing the stinging would go away. I could still feel the tears running down my face and with each line it caused it felt like someone was pouring acid on my skin. The pain made me cry even more. I let out a big sigh and leaned back in the seat. Henry nudded me and when I opened my eyes to see why, he was holding a napkin for me to use. I gave a weak smile as a thank you and took it gratefully. We sat in silence for the rest of the ride and as we approached my stop, I got butterflies in my stomach again. I was dreading the long walk down the bus isle to get off. I had no idea what was going to happen.

The bus pulled up at my stop a few minutes later and after a big sigh, I grabbed my bag and stood up. Henry got out of the seat to let me pass but before I did, he put his hand on my shoulder and said "I'll see you in the morning." Just that little phrase make me think I could endure whatever was to come. I now had a protector.

Keeping my head down I walked the length of the isle. I saw the entry to the bus and was relieved that I was about to make it out of there without any incident.

The next thing I knew, I was falling face first down the bus steps and landing on the cement. The bus emitted with laughter as I rolled into a sitting position and looked up. There was O'Neil, sitting at the very front seat smiling down at me. His friends were hooting and hollering, acting as if it was the funniest thing they ever saw. The bus driver whipped around towards them wanting to know what happened.
"Oh man! She just tripped down the stairs" O'Neil said to him. The bus driver looked at me as I was trying to stand up though he didn't ask if I was O.K. I guess he assumed that since I was able to stand up on my own, I must be fine. He slammed the doors shut and road away. Vanessa was trying to help me with my bag and I turned to look at the bus again to see O'Neil sticking his head out the window laughing.

How is it that the system has failed me? Why doesn't the bus driver give a damn? Why didn't he even ask if I was O.K.? I thought to myself.

Vanessa and I walked to her house in silence. As soon as we made it to her front door I quickly ran to the bathroom to see what I looked like. I had a scrape down the right cheek from where I slid on the cement and my left cheek was still blood red from the slaps. Vanessa came in shortly afterwards and tried to help me clean my face up. As we worked, we both thought of things to say to each of our parents of why I looked the way I did.

We decided to just tell them the 1/2 truth. I tripped walking off the bus and fell. That's how I got the scrapes. I knew my parents would believe it b/c I was fortunate enough to get my Mother's coordination. She was always tripping over things and when she was younger, she always had bruises and scrapes from being clumsy. Though I had everything rehearsed in my head of what I was going to tell them, I was still scared they wouldn't believe me.

I stayed at Vanessa's house as long as I could that day. Surprisingly, her Dad pretty much left us alone except to ask how long I was staying for or if I was going to be there for dinner.

6:00 came and I knew I had to get home. Slowly, I grabbed my things and walked out of her house. I kept rehearsing over and over in my head what I was going to say. I reached my front door within a few minutes and walked inside.

"OH MY GOD! What happened to you, J??" My mother exclaimed

"I tripped getting off the bus and landed face first on the ground" I wouldn't make eye contact with her as I said this. She could always tell when I was lying.

"We need to clean it up"

"I already did at Vanessa's house. I think it will be O.K., it just stings bad"

"No.. no.. come in my bathroom and we'll put some ointment on it"

I followerd her into her bathroom and sat on the toilet. She rummaged through her cabinets for what seemed like an hour and pulled out a tube of triple anti-biotic cream. I winced in pain as she applied and when she was through, she told me dinner was ready to get washed up.

"I'm not hungry Mom. I ate something late at Vanessa's. I think I'm just gonna go in my room and lay down"

She didn't fight me on it but I could feel her watching me as I walked away.

I plopped on my bed, turned on my T.V. and started dreading the next day's bus ride. Even though I knew Henry was going to be there, I still was afraid of what might and could happen.

I didn't know then that the 1st time I was ever hit was going to be the hardest. Strange how you seem to get used to something (even bad things) and when they continue, it doesn't seem to hurt as much as the first.