Beso?

We all piled back into Johnny's car, Jasper too, and drove off in silence. The radio was playing a song Johnny liked and he leaned over to turn it up. (O.K., it was the song 'Baby Got Back by Sir Mixx Alot. What? It was the 90's! It was a popular song!! Don't laugh.) As he leaned back from turning the nob, his hand slid over and rested on my inner thigh. I flinched but gave him a weak smile and he kept his hand there. Amy and Tony were in the backseat with Jasper and apparently they were getting along just fine without any awkwardness.

We drove around for awhile before I finally said something. "Where are we going?"

Johnny just smiled at me and said, "beso" (in case anyone wonders, it's Spanish for kiss.. I think I spelled that correctly??). I leaned towards him and gave him a quick kiss on the check. He gave me a disappointed look and asked again. "Beso". I hesitated, but leaned back over and gave him a peck on the month and leaned back. We had finally stopped at a light and he turned to look at me.

"beso!"

"I just gave you two!!" I laughed.

He smiled and said 'beso' again. I leaned towards him, again, and when I leaned in to give him another fast kiss on the mouth, he reached around grabbing my head and kissed me deeply. With a lot of tongue. I didn't know whether I should gag or pull away or what. I decided to stay, stiff in his embrace because I knew it would get him angry if I pulled away.. ESPECIALLY in front of his friend. I didn't want to embarrass him again.

When the light turned green, he pulled away with a smile.

"Where are we going now?" I asked again

"How about my house?" He asked with a smirk, looking into the rearview mirror to his friends.

I gave a quick glance to Amy and she had the same look I did. It was obvious she didn't want to go there just as much as I didn't.

"Actually, I'm getting kinda hungry. Can we stop for something to eat?" I asked in my sweetest possible voice.

Johnny looked back at the guys in the back seat and they replied with a shoulder shrug, then said, "Sure. Where do you want to go?"

I only had about $3 on me. It wasn't like I could have asked my parents for money this morning. "McDonald's is fine with me. How's that sound to everyone?"

Amy piped in with a sure, as did Tony. Jasper was still quiet.

We pulled into a McDonald's within minutes and Amy and I announced we needed to use the bathroom. Once we were inside, we continued the conversation we tried to have earlier.

"I do NOT want to go to Johnny's house!" I whispered

"Me either! What do you think is going on, anyway? Jasper's acting all weird!"

"I don't know! That guy gives me the creeps. I wish they hadn't brought him."

"I know. Me too." Amy said into the mirror as she applied more lipstick. I don't know why she even bothered. Between eating and kissing Tony some more, it would be all gone faster than she could apply it.

"What are we going to do then?" I said, watching her slowly outline her lips.

"I don't know. Maybe we can talk them into going to the mall or something?"

I let out a groan and she realized what that meant. Our LAST trip to the mall didn't exactly end well and I didn't know how I'd handle the situation again without pissing Johnny off.

We exited the bathroom a few minutes later still not having any idea of where to go once we left McDonald's. We tried to take our time in eating and talking, hoping that would buy us some time and thankfully it did.

As luck would have it, where we stopped at the McDonald's was 1/2 way between Johnny's house and mine. We would have to drive back threw downtown traffic and it would take us forever to get there. Once we got there, it would almost be time for us to leave in order to get back home at our usual time so our parents wouldn't suspect anything. We instead, decided to walk around to the sidewalk shops to waste a few hours.

Johnny and I walked side-by-side with his arm drapped around me. Amy and Tony were being all lovey with each other and it was then that I wished I had hooked up with Tony instead of Johnny. Amy looked so carefree with him. She didn't flinch when he reached for her or when he leaned in to kiss her, unlike I did with Johnny. Tony also wasn't aggressive like Johnny was, but in a way I liked it. It was exciting... sort of.

Jasper.. well.. he just walked with his hands shoved in his pockets with a sour look on his face.

Jasper's House......

About an hour later we pulled up to the curb of a typical Florida home. It was a nice 1 story, looked fairly newly built and the outside was kept up nicely. I was a little surprised, really. From the look of Jasper, I didn't expect his house to be so... I don't know.. nice..?

"Stay here, I'll be right back" Jasper said as he exited Johnny's car.

We watched as he walked up to the front door and fumbled with his keys. It seemed to take him forever before he came back to the car and said he must have left his house key inside and would have to go around back to get in. We waited another few minutes and then he appeared at the front door from the inside and waved us in. Amy and I stuck close together as Tony and Johnny led us into the house. It was dark inside even though it was early and bright outside.

"Can we turn on a light or something? I can't see where to walk!" Amy had asked Tony exactly what I was thinking.

More fumbling and finally a small end table light came on. Amy and I glanced around the room and realized all the guys were looking as us. We couldn't tell what they were thinking and slowly made our way to the couch and sat next to each other. We all chatted a bit, laughing at the stories the guys told about each other, when Johnny grabbed my hand and tried to lead me into 1 of the bedrooms. I quickly glanced back at Amy with a look of 'oh my god! Help me! What do I do??'. She shrugged and I nervously got up and let Johnny lead me down a hall. It was obvious he wasn't familiar with Jasper's house because it took him a few tries to finally find a bedroom with a bed in it instead of a desk.

As we entered the room, I noticed the wall paper was of toy cars and trucks. There was a small bed on one side of the room and a small dresser on the other. Obviously this was a child's room.. and it gave me the willies being in there. However, it DIDN'T bother Johnny one bit because he crossed the floor in a flash and was holding me in his arms. It felt so good but at the same time, very awkward. Before meeting Johnny, I had never had a guy hold me like this.

He leaned in and kissed me slowly. I returned the kiss as best as I could, with the little experience I had. It didn't take long for his hands to start to wonder and my body tensed.

"It's o.k., J. Just relax. I won't hurt you"

I didn't say anything but took a deep breath and tried to force my body to relax. I kept telling myself that I was in control of the situation and it wouldn't go any further that I wanted it to.

Johnny's hands slid back onto my ass and he pulled me close again. I wrapped my arms around his neck with his direction and he leaned in for another kiss. One of his hands left my ass and made their way to the front of me and up my shirt. Just as I was about to push his hand away, there was a knock at the door.

"WHAT!" Bellowed Johnny. You could hear the irritation in his voice.

"Hey man.. I need to talk to you for a sec." It was Jasper. Though I wasn't comfortable around him, I was thankful for him knocking just at that time.

Johnny let out a frustrated sigh and walked out into the hall. I was left standing in some little boys room with no idea what to do when Johnny came back so I strained to listen to their conversation. I couldn't make out exactly what they were saying but I knew we had to be gone in about an hour. I figured I could fend him off for that long.. well.. at least most of that time. I assumed he'd want more than 20 minutes to fool around so that left me 40 minutes. I had to think of something because I knew I wasn't ready to do what I knew he wanted to do.

My saving grace came when Amy slipped past Johnny in a heated discussion with Jasper to enter the bedroom.

"What's going on? Why's Johnny so mad?" I whispered to Amy.

"I'm not sure... but it's got Tony all upset too!!"

We sat on the little bed side by side trying to decide what to do. The guys were our only way back home and we had no idea where we were anyway, even IF we had another way to leave. Shortly after the door opened up and Johnny was standing there not looking pleased.

"Everything O.K.?" I asked, grabbing Amy's hand beside me. It hadn't really occurred to me until that moment that we really didn't know these guys as well as we thought we did, or hoped we did.

As we entered the hall, Jasper was still standing there looking as white as a ghost and he looked like he was going to be sick any minute. Amy followed me out and we shut the door behind us. Once we were in the living room the guys went back to their joking manner and the atmosphere changed to a lighter note. I was relieved and by the looks of Amy, she was too. Jasper joined us not long after.

"Hey Jasper, you have a little brother?"

"No?" He mumbled back to me, obviously still a little irritated.

"Oh.. then..a nephew or son or something?"

"No!! Why?"

"Oh was just wondering who's bedroom we were in. I'm assuming it wasn't yours... right? I'd think you were a little old for cars and trucks wallpaper" I laughed

He shot me a dirty look and Johnny interrupted.

"I think we should leave. Now!" He abruptly grabbed my hand and pulled me from the couch. I was confused. I had no idea what I had said that made everyone so uptight again. Maybe he had a child or brother or nephew or something that had died? Maybe that's why he was so upset about my question??

Skipping

The week dragged by.. doesn't it always when you're excited about the weekend?? I again made plans to spend the night at Amy's and we were meeting the guys back Downtown on Friday night.

Her dad dropped us off at the teenclub, we waved goodbye and once he was out of eyeshoot we hustled to our now regular meeting spot. The evening was as enchanted as I expected and I loved every minute that I got to spend with Johnny. The night ended sooner than I hoped and we said our goodbyes. We talked about meeting at the mall again the next day but Tony couldn't make it so we decided to make plans over the phone in a few days.

Just like the other nights, Amy and I sat up most of the evening giggling and talking about the guys. We were both sad that we wouldn't be seeing them for the rest of the weekend, but I had decided I would ask Vanessa if she wanted to hang out. I had started feeling bad that she was excluded in everything because her parents were so possessive.

The next day after I got home, I called Vanessa and asked her if she wanted (could) go see a movie with me that night. Of course her parents said no, so we decided on renting a movie at her house. I didn't realize how much I missed her company and vowed that I would make more time for her.

The remainder of the weekend was relaxing and even though I was missing Johnny, I didn't think about him too much. Once Vanessa's mom was asleep and her dad had left for his regular night shift, I filled her in on all the juicy details. I watched as a glimmer of sadness come over her as she listened to my stories and I knew she felt sad. I had wished there was something I could do for her, but I knew there wasn't. I hugged her and assured her that eventually things will change and to just wait it out as much as possible. One day she will be free of the jail-like environment they had her in.

Monday came even though I asked that it wouldn't. School went as it always did and I wished it was summer so that I had more free time. Leti and I were starting to talk more and Amy and I had invited her to go out with us sometime. Her mom was a single mother of 2 (Leti the youngest and her older jerk brother) and didn't have much money for Leti or time to take her anywhere. She promised that she would go when she was able.

Monday evening I received a call from Johnny. The conversation was pleasant and we shared a few stories and laughs. He then asked why, if I was 16, that I didn't drive or have a car. I tried to make up a story as best as I could as to why I did't have either. Though I thought I sounded unbelievable, he apparently accepted it and asked if Amy and I would skip school the next morning to spend the day with them. I told him I didn't know if Amy would, but that I'd give her a call to ask then call him back, which I did. Amy was game, of course, so I decided to go along with it. The plan was, they would pick me up first (since my parents left earlier and Vanessa's dad was supposed to be taking us again), then go by and pick up Amy. I called Vanessa the next morning and explained what was going on and asked her to tell her parents that I was sick so they wouldn't ask questions. Lucky for me, our parents never talked so I knew it wouldn't get back to them.

I waited for my parents to leave then called Amy. By 8am, Johhny was knocking on my door and I told her that we'd be there shortly. When I went to get in the car, I noticed a guy sitting in the backseat with Tony that I hadn't met yet. His name was Jasper and though he had a very heavy spanish accent, he looked whiter than me; blonde hair and blue eyes. We arrived at Amy's house and the guys wanted to come in for a bit to wait out some of the morning traffic.

An hour later, we were getting ready to leave when Amy's front door opened. It was her older sister dropping something off for her mom and we all froze. Her sister seemed just as shocked as we were and immediately started yelling.

"What the hell are you doing here! You're supposed to be in school! And who the hell are they!" She pointed in the direction of the 3 guys.

"Elizabeth! Stop yelling! You scared the crap outta us!" Amy was on her feet in a second.

"Hey guys, will you wait outside while I talk to my sister?" Amy gave me a warning look and we nodded and left. We couldn't hear what was going on inside but a few minutes later they both walked out.

"Elizabeth! Please don't tell mom and dad I skipped O.K>? They were just leaving. They just came by to say hi"

Elizabeth gave each of us a long look and nodded as she headed to her car. Once the drivers door shut, Amy walked over to us.

"Hey, can you guys leave and come back in like 10 minutes just so I know she's gone?"

I looked at Johnny since he was the 1 driving. "Sure. It's fine"

"Actually, don't even come back to my house. I'll meet you 1 street over." She said as she glanced over to where Elizabeth was still seated in her car.

We all nodded, got in the car and left. We drove around aimlessly for the 10 minutes, with me giving Johnny directions. This wasn't his area of town, as he lived about 30 minutes away, so he had no idea where he was.

We picked Amy back up without incident and were finally on our way.

"Where we headed?" I asked Johnny, but it was Jasper who answered me.

"My house. It's quiet there and I know no one will be coming home."

I glanced back at Amy who was seated in between Jasper and Tony. She had the same look on her face that I did. This was going to be the 1st time we were ever actually 'alone' with the guys and we didn't know if we were ready for that.

Anticipation

I must have fallen asleep on the couch because the phone woke me up an hour later. My mom was calling to say she was on her way home and to start making something for dinner. I hung up with her and set the water to boil to make spaghetti. I wasn't much in the mood to attempt being a 5 star chef, so they'd just have to do deal with it.

Both of my parents arrived home around the same time, we ate dinner and started to clean up when the phone rang. I didn't even bother racing to get it, I had pretty much given up hope that Johnny was going to call. My mom glanced in my direction and when she realized that I wasn't going to answer it, she dropped the wash rag, I slid into her spot and she went to answer the phone.

"J! The phone's for you!"

"Who is it? Amy?"

"No. Kid said his name was Johnny!" she said as she was reentering the kitchen. "Who's Johnny, J? He sounds old."

I just froze. I honestly wasn't expecting him to call. "Oh! He's just.. umm.. a kid from school"

"He doesn't SOUND like a kid. He sounds like he's in his mid 20's!!" she replied as she took the dish rag from me.

"Oh. Really? You think so? hmm.. strange" I muttered quickly as I left to grab the phone.

I picked up the receiver and said hello.

"Hey, J."

"Hey.. umm.. let me take this in my room. I'll be right back."

I put the receiver down, went in my room, picked up mine and went back to hang up the other one.

"J?"

"Yes?"

"Why you talking to him in your room?"

"Cus it's easier and more comfortable to talk....?" What was I supposed to say? Oh cus.. I want privacy!? So you can't hear that I'm talking to a guy 6 years older than me?? I knew I couldn't say that.

I waited for her to say something else and when she didn't I walked back into my room.

"O.K., I'm back. Sorry about that."

"It's o.k. So, did you miss me?"

"Yes. And I missed your phone call last night. You said you were going to call me, but didn't."

"Yea, I got busy."

"Oh" There was a long pause in the conversation and I wasn't even sure he was still on the line.

"You still there, Johnny?"

"Yea"

"Are you gonna talk?"

"I'm just thinking of what I want to say and how I say it."

"Oh. Well. What does it have to do with?"

Another long pause. "The mall and you telling me no."

"oh" was all I could think of to say. I waited another few minutes and he finally spoke.

"J. I got so mad at you for telling me no. You embarrassed the shit out of me in front of Tony and Amy. Don't do it again."

My first thought was what the hell?!? He had to sit and think about how to say THAT? Really? Then my other thoughts went to things like.... uhh.. I don't think I like being told what to do. But then I realized, he said 'don't do it AGAIN'! As in, I hadn't seen the last of him and that made me happy.

I promised I would never try to embarrass him again and the rest of the conversation was about when we could see each other. I told him I'd talk to Amy to see when she was free and that I'd let him know in the next few days. By the time we hung up, I had a smile on my face. I dialed Amy's number right after and filled her in. She said she was free both Friday and Saturday night so it didn't matter to her. We continued planning our weekend around the guys and after an hour we finally hung up.

Since I was no longer stressed about Johnny not calling, I was finally able to drift off to a deep sleep. As my eyelids were closing, I prayed the rest of the week would fly by.

Shitty Days

**Happy Friday everyone! Just a bonus post 'cus.. well.. really just cus I can't sleep and I'm bored! :)

I waited by the phone the whole night but Johnny never called. Each time the phone rang, I bulldozed everyone over just to answer it, but it was never whom I really wanted it to be. Around 8:45 Amy called to see if I had heard from him. Since I was already in a grumpy mood because he DIDN'T call, her calling and asking if he did, knowing that I'd call her right after IF he had.. just made me even more pissy.

"NO! Amy! He didn't call!" I yelled into the phone. Even though I knew it wasn't her fault that he didn't call, I still kind of took it out on her.

"Oh. Well.. I just got off the phone with Tony.. so I thought maybe Johnny had called you and you tried to call while I was on the phone" I knew her intentions were good but she still irritated me. (and no, she didn't have call waiting) Though I knew she wasn't purposly doing it, I felt like she was rubbing it in my face that she had heard from her boyfriend but I had not. I got off the phone quickly after that and tried to get to sleep.

It's funny really.. that when you're that age, the things that will keep you up at night. Things that you worry about that really don't matter much, but at that point in your life, it matters more than anything else.

After a night of restless sleep, I got up and headed to school. Vanessa and I still rode to school together. Now that my dad was taking us, her parent's like the idea and occationally would take us instead. (again, with her Dad's controlling.) It was her Dad's turn this morning so I called her right before I headed out the door to tell her I was on my way over. As soon as I arrived we piled into the car and were on our way.

"So, J, what did you do this weekend?" I hadn't been spending a lot of time with Vanessa. Mainly because her parent's WERE very controlling and wouldn't ever let her out of the house without an adult chaperone with her at all times. Of course, THAT couldn't happen when I was out meeting up with Johnny so our friendship started to dwindle.

I looked in her father's direction before answering and saw him eye me from the rearview mirror. "Oh, not much really. Spend the night over at Amy's and went to the mall. What did you do?" I figured that would be safe to say for the time being and I'd fill her in later when spying ears weren't around.

"Oh I didn't really do anything either. Just stayed in the house the whole time"

"Oh. Well, if you ever want to go to the mall with me and Amy, just let me know, you're always welcome." I saw her father make an expression along the lines of "Like hell she will" but I just ignored him.

Throughout the day all I could think about was Johnny and the fact that he never called. I was beginning to worry that I had seen the last of him. After school I came home and checked the messages, hoping he had called, but he still hadn't.

I moped around the house for the rest of the day and waited for my parents to return. My brother came home before them, acting a little funny. I asked him what was up.

"J, You know it's my birthday in a few days"

"Yea, but why are you so happy about it? Got something special planned?"

"J! You know damn well! Mom and Dad wouldn't sign my papers to go into the Army early. I'll be 18, school already said I could go early, I have enough credits and that they'd mail me my diploma. Now they can't stop me" He finished as he headed to his bedroom with a slight smug look.

"When would you leave?" I called after him.

"The following weekend" he answered over his shoulder as he shut his door.

I sat in the livingroom ignoring the T.V. lost in my own thoughts. I didn't want my brother to leave. I surely didn't want my brother to leave while there was a war brewing that they eventually called Desert Storm. My biggest fear was that he'd get sent over there and never come back.

This already shitty day had gotten even shitter.

What's my age again??

Amy and Tony disentangled themselves as I approached, said a last goodbye and her and I walked outside.

"What was up with that?" she asked, motioning over to where Johnny and I had been talking.

"I'm really not sure. He's mad at me because he said I embarressed him in front of Tony."

"Embarressed him how?"

"'Cus I wouldn't try on those things and I wouldn't let him buy me anything from there"

"Oh" was all she could say.

"I don't know why he thinks someone my age should or WOULD wear that stuff anyway!!!"

"Oh.. well....." she trailed off and looked away.

"Well what? What do you know?"

"Well.. I kinda told them we were older than what we are."

"YOU DID WHAT?? How old do they think we ARE!?"

"16"

Now it was my turned to not know what to say. Amy still wouldn't face me and that was fine. There was so many things running threw my head. A lot of things started to finally make some sense but what I couldn't understand is why she would tell them that!

"Amy! Why would you do that?"

She finally faced me again, "Well, they said they were 18 and 19. I figured if they knew our real ages they wouldn't want anything to do with us and I really liked Tony!"

I couldn't believe my ears!! I just stood there stunned all over again.

Amy's dad arrived a few minutes later and the car ride back was silent. The only conversation was when her dad asked us if we had a good time and if we bought anything. When he asked us that, I couldn't help but think about Fredrick's of Hollywood.

As soon as we were back at her house, I gathered up my belongings, gave her back the outfit she let me borrow and asked her dad if he'd drive me home. Amy grabbed me on my way to the car.

"Don't be mad at me. Please. I know you like Johnny and if I hadn't lied, you wouldn't be seeing him now."

She was right and I couldn't help but forgive her even though I was still angry.

"That's true! But! He's mad at me now and I don't know if I WILL see him again!"

She gave me a look that showed sympathy and I told her I'd call her later after I talked to Johnny. IF I talked to Johnny.

Shopping

I called by parents to ask if it was O.K. if I spent the day with Amy and after I got their approval and hung up, we quickly got ready. Since I hadn't anticipated seeing them again so soon, I didn't bring any 'cute' outfits so I had to borrow something from Amy. Luckily we were close to the same size and we put our finishing touches on just as the guys called back once more.

Tony informed Amy that they were on the way to the mall and told us where to meet them. Amy's dad dropped us off 20 minutes later and her and I were nervous all over again. We made our way up the escalators and found Tony and Johnny sitting at a table talking intently. Slowly we approached and Tony saw us first, directing Johnny in our direction. They stood as we reached their table and they both greeted us with hugs and kisses. This time, I kissed back. I loved the scent of Johnny. He always smelled of speariment breath mints and Drakkar Noir (hey! It was the 90's!!) and I nuzzled my face in his chest breathing him in.

We sat and talked for a few minutes, recollecting the events of the previous night and how much fun we both had. Deceiding to walk around the mall, each of the guys grabbed our hand and led us around. Looking in store windows, wondering in department stores and then they led us to Fredrick's of Hollywood.

Amy and I gave a worried glance to eachother as we entered. We both knew we weren't the right age to be in that store, ESPECIALLY with two guys older than us. The sales woman gave us a disapproving glance, told us if we needed anything to ask and walked away. The guys had a good time rummaging through the merchandise, holding up lingerie to us that they liked. Amy and I tried to put on a happy face but we were both uncomfortable being in there.

Johnny tried to buy me a bra and panties set but after much begging, pleading and 'no no no' he finally gave in. He instead tried to push me into trying some things on, offering to go in with me to give his approval. Again, it took a lot of no's but he eventually stopped asking. Tony and Amy had walked off to another part of the store and I could hear giggles and see the admiring glances he gave her. We left the store soon after but the mood out our little group had changed. Johnny stopped holding my hand and he began walking 2-3 steps ahead of me. Tony and Amy got in step with me and though they could feel the tension between Johnny and I, neither of them said anything.

Tony continued to be a gentleman for the remainder of the day, though Johnny began acting as if I wasn't even there. It was time for us to leave and Amy and Tony had resumed their lip-locking. I walked over to Johnny timidly.

"Umm.. so.. I guess we're leaving now"

"O.K." he replied without even looking at me

"Did I do something to make you mad?"

"Forget about it"

"No. Please I want to know. What did I do?"

He turned to face me finally. Leaning down until our noses were only an inch apart.

"I don't like being embarressed in front of my boy"

"What do you mean? How did I embarress you?"

"How did you embarress me? What would you call it back there in the store?"

"But Johnny.. I didn't want to try those on. I was too embarressed. Plus.. him and Amy weren't even around. They were off doing their own thing, he couldn't hear us"

"Doesn't matter. He knew you kept telling me no."

I didn't know what else to say except that I was sorry. I stood there a little while longer waiting to see if he would say anything else and all he did was step back and turn away from me again. I sighed and started to walk away.

"I'll call you tonight and we'll talk" he said after me

"O.K." was all I could say and continued to walk.

To my disappointment, the week seemed to drag on. Amy and I couldn't wait until the weekend to meet up with Johnny and Tony again.

Finally the day came and Amy and I spent most of the afternoon trying to pick out the perfect outfit. Since I was too young to date and I was never one to wear make-up, I had to do my finishing touches at Amy's house. My dad dropped me off with the thought that her dad was taking us to a movie and I was spending the night at her house afterwards. Her dad of course knew we weren't doing that, since he was the 1 that was going to drop us off Down Town and pick us back up later on that night.

Little did any of them know, we were about to go on our very first date.

Her dad dropped us off in front of the teen dance club around 8pm informing us he would be back at 11:30 to pick us up and we better not be a minute late. That only gave us 3 1/2 hours to spend with the guys, but it was better than nothing.

We waved goodbye and started towards the door of the club. Once we saw that he had driven away, we made a beeline for the the designated meeting place. Stopping off once in a bathroom to check our make-up and we were back on our way, nervously giggling and chatting.

Johnny spotted us before we spotted them and he surprised me by wrapping his arms around me from behind. I probably jumped about a foot off the floor and awkwardly accepted his embrace. Tony leaned into Amy for a kiss and she graciously accepted. I did notice that Eric wasn't with them this time... which was fine with me. He seemed more like the loner type anyway, he didn't talk much.

We spent the rest of the evening walking around the town, ducking into shops, clubs and they even snuck us into a bar or 2. They tried to get us to drink some, but neither of us wanted to have to explain the smell of alcohol to her dad so we declined. It never occurred to me to wonder why.. if they were only 18 and 19, why there were able to buy drinks until later that night.

It didn't take long for me to feel very comfortable with Johnny. He just had that way about him. His hands wondered a little too much for my (lack of) experience but I never pushed his hand away. When he leaned in for a kiss after only an hour together, I didn't pull away this time. It was nice to finally kiss someone of my own free will. It was nice to kiss someone that I WANTED to kiss. To have someone that I was attracted to to touch me and hold me

11:20 arrived and it was time to say a reluctant goodbye. We had decided to part ways a block away from where her dad was going to pick us up, just in case he arrived early, we didn't want him to catch us. With promises to talk soon and to make plans to get together the next weekend, we made out like the horny teenagers we were and left.

For the rest of the night and into the wee hours of the morning, all we talked about were the guys. What we considered our real 'first date', our real 'first kisses' and the naughty thoughts teenage girls have that we want to do with our current crushes.

We couldn't wait to talk to them again and see them again and hoped it would be for longer next time.

Our wake-up call the next day came at 10am... from Tony. They wanted to hang out again and we made plans to meet them at the mall.

Cause and Effect

The next few days I tried to make my decision. I knew what I SHOULD do; press charges on all of them, but what I wanted to do was completely different. I wanted to just forget it all happened. I wanted to go back to my old life before any of this had started. I also knew that if I did decide to press charges, the process would not be a quick one. It could take a very long time, years even, before this was all over. I didn't want the WHOLE school to know about what happened to me and I didn't want to be known all over school as the person that got the VP fired. I didn't want the reputation that that would bring to follow me for the rest of my school days, being known as a trouble maker to other teachers and office professionals... at least thats what my brain kept telling me.

The following Sunday, my mom sat me down to ask me what my decision was. I knew she would be disappointed in what I had decided and I was a little nervous telling her. Even though she told me before that her and my dad would be supportive in either decision, I knew what she wanted me to do.

"Mom... I don't want to do it. I just want to forget this all happened. I don't want everyone to know what has been going on. I just want to be a KID. A kid without all this... this.. CRAP!"

She sat there quietly before responding, "I understand, J and I'm not going to talk you into doing anything you don't want to do. BUT! Just think about this.. do you think it's right that they get away with this? Any of them?"

"NO! Of course not! But Mom! I don't want to be the kid that's responsible for having them punished. I'm just a kid! I don't want that responsibility!"

"I understand. Though you won't be the one responsible for having them punished, that's what the courts and a jury if it came to that, is for. You would only be bringing to light what they let continue to happen to you and make O'Neil responsible for what he did. But, like I said to you the other day... We will stand behind you in whatever decision you decide.I just want you to know that from now on, 1 of us will be taking you to school and 1 of us will be driving you home. You don't have to ride the bus any more."

I thanked her and as I got up to walk away, she reached over and gave me the biggest and hardest hug I had ever felt. I returned the hug and went back into my room very glad that I no longer had to deal with O'Neil or the driver.

I had no idea how that decision would have effected me for a very long time.

The following morning, I called Vanessa early and asked her if she wanted to ride with me. Of course she said yes and we picked her up as my dad drove us to school. Throughout the rest of the year I had become closer friends with Amy and Leti. They were in a few of my classes with me and though Vanessa was still my best friend, I hardly saw her at school. Soon, the only times I really saw Vanessa was at lunch and the rides to and from school.

My weekends were filled with outings with Amy or Leti or even Angie from down the street. Amy belonged to a church youth group that planned activites for Friday and Saturday nights. Sometimes it was just a trip to the movies, sometimes it was a trip to teen dance clubs and I occasionally tagged along. One Friday night the group was going to the Down Town area. There, they had many clubs, bars, shops and some game rooms. Since we were obviously under age, we weren't allowe into the bars, but the rest of the small town we would always find adventure. There was even a haunted house there that was open year round. The youth group seperated into smaller groups and Amy and I went our own way with promises to meet everyone back in the middle of town by 10:30pm.

We had decided to start in one of the bigger buildings which was 4 stories, and work our way around. Looking in all the shops, going up to the game floor and even ducking into a teenage dance club for a few minutes. During the night, Amy and I had passed by 3 older guys many times. Each time we passed, they would try to flirt with us, try to get us to talk to them, but we would just giggle and keep walking.

By the end of the night one of the three guys finally approached Amy and struck up a conversation while I had ran to grab us some drinks. He introduced himself as Johnny and his friends were Tony and Eric. Tony quickly made it clear he was interested in Amy and while Johnny drilled Amy to get information about me. By the time I had returned, Amy had already given the guys our names and numbers.

Johnny was definately older than us (hell.. we were only 13). He stood about 5'10", hispanic with black wavy hair. Tony looked as though he could be a GQ model. He was taller than Johnny but with a firm muscular body and light brown eyes. You could tell by the way Johnny talked he was the alpha in his group and I found it flattering that he was interested in me. I wasn't old enough to offically start dating yet, so I was pretty nervous around him.

Before either of us had realized it, it was 10:45pm and we were VERY late to meet up with the group. I informed Amy that we had to leave right away and said our goodbyes to the guys. Johnny leaned in for a kiss, but I was startled and turned away, leaving him my cheek to kiss instead. Tony did the same to Amy, however she let him kiss her on the mouth. Shortly after we ran off to meet everyone else.

On the way home, Amy filled me in on the conversation she had with them while I was gone. I never even thought to ask any of them how old they were, but at some point Johnny told her. He said he was 19, Tony was 18 and Eric was 20. My mouth gapped open... he was 6 years older than me! No way would my parents go for that even if I was ALLOWED to date!! I would have to try to keep him a secret if he ever called me.

I didn't have to wait long to hear from him. Sunday night my phone rang and it was him. We had a great 30 min. conversation and made plans to meet back up in the same spot the following Friday night. As soon as I hung up with him, I called Amy. She had just gotten off the phone with Tony and we exchanged stories and made plans for the next weekend.

I had no idea how that decision, just like my other one, would have effected me for the rest of my life.

Monday 9/27/2010

Sorry guys, no post on Monday. I'll try to get it posted later in the week. :)
~J

Decisions, Decisions

By the time we arrived home I had calmed down but wanted to be left alone. My parents kept trying to get me to talk about what happened, but I was able to hold their questions off and retired to my room. I laid in bed thinking that maybe there WAS some truth in what the Dr. said. Especially if the VP basically said the same thing. Deciding to take a better look myself, I opened my closet and began going through my clothes. I sorted them into 2 piles. 1 pile was just 'hanging out' clothes, and the other was clothes that I wore to school.

Finally, once I had a huge pile of skirts and dresses that were in the 'school' pile, I began sifting through those separating them into different piles. Things I thought were too short or too fitting I threw into a pile and what was left I put back into my closet.

I stood back and noticed that once I separated them, there really weren't many skirts and dresses left. I gathered up the too short/too fitting items, got a trash bag from the kitchen and threw them all away. My mom stopped me while I was coming out of the garage and asked what I was doing.

"Mom,... I really don't want to talk about it. I just want to be left alone" passing her and making my way back into my bedroom

She followed, "J! Wait a minute! I want to talk to you!"

"MOM! Please!! I don't want to talk about it right now!"

"I'm sorry you don't want to talk about it right now, but you're going to anyway! Something had you really upset at the Dr's office today and I want to know what's going on!"

We were back in my bedroom and I blocked her from entering. "Mom.. please.." I pleaded, but it was no use. She wasn't going to leave.

"J, for the past year and a half you've being going through some things you didn't want to talk about and it only got worse! Now, I know it's probably embarrassing, but I want you to talk to me. Starting now. Starting with what happened at the office today and ending with what you were throwing away"

I paused, wondering if it was worth arguing over, since I knew I was going to lose the battle anyway... might as well stop fighting it and just tell her what she wanted to know.

I stepped away from the door making way for her to enter completely as I took a seat on my bed. She sat down next to me, put her arm around me and I knew it was my que to start explaining. I told her about all of my sessions, how I thought things were going O.K. until that day. I told her about the comments the Dr. made, how they closely resembled what the VP had said and I eventually told her about me purging my closet. Throwing away any and all skirts. She let me talk without interruption at full length. When I was finally done, I just hung my head and held my breath. It wasn't that I was afraid of her, I was just ashamed.

"J. First, let me say that no matter what ANYONE says, it wasn't your fault. No matter what you wore or didn't wear, his actions are not excusable. There is no fault to be had, except for him. HE did this! You didn't! Even if you were to go to school EVERY SINGLE DAY completely naked, he still had NO right to do what he did. And for the VP and the bus driver, well.. I wanted to talk to you about that. Your Father and I have talked and we know what we want to do, however, you are the victim here. You are the one that will have to continue going to this school when everything is all said and done. So, how we proceed is your decision."

"What do you mean it's my decision? What's my decision"

"Well.. we want to go after both of them for putting you in danger, for allowing it to continue even though you complained. For the bus driver who obviously knew what was going on and did nothing to help... actually, he did just the opposite. For him kicking you and Vanessa off the bus though it wasn't your stop. For all the things that happened to you. We want to press charges on O'Neil. He's 16, he's too old to be in 7th grade. There are so many things that went wrong and we're leaving it up to you how you want to handle it. Do YOU want to go after them? Press charges, all of that?"

"Well.. what's my other option?"

"To just let it go and not press charges. You should know by now what WE want to do, but... it's up to you. I know this will be a very difficult decision, but you need to make the one that is best for you. I can't promise your life at school will be O.K. if we go after the VP, the bus driver and O'Neil. But I can promise you that we will be behind you no matter what you decide."

"Can I think about it?"

"Sure, just don't take too long. If we are going to do something about this.. we can't wait very long" With that, she stood up and walked to the door and looked back "Oh and get those clothes out of the trash and back into your closet. I spent good money on those clothes and there's nothing wrong with them. Don't stop wearing them because of what others say, only stop wearing them when YOU want to. I personally picked them all out and I know they aren't considered provocative or slutty or whatever else. I would never let you walk out of this house looking like a tramp and you should know that."

"K, Mom and thanks."

She turned and shut my door behind her. I had a lot of thinking to do and a short amount of time to do it in.

Sessions

It was the day of my 1st appointment with the shrink. I was really nervous all day at school and the day seemed to fly by though I wished it hadn't. My dad picked me up when school let out and we only had about 30 minutes to rush to the appointment. We arrived in plenty of time at the office and I reluctantly got out of the car. I couldn't understand why I felt the way I did. She was supposed to help me.. so why was I acting like this was my last walk before I was about to be executed?

We entered her office and she appeared shortly from another room and introduced herself with her hand out stretched; "Hi! I'm Dr. Juanita Garcia. Are you J?". Dr. Garcia was a short round women with dark skin and long black hair. She looked to be in her late 40's or more with glasses sliding down her nose and a pleasant face.

"Yes" I replied as I shook her hand.

"It's very nice to meet you." She turned to my dad, "You must be J's dad. Nice you meet you, too"

They exchanged pleasantries while I glanced around the waiting room at all the awards and diploma's on the walls. She must be pretty good if she's received all these...

As she finished talking with my dad, she asked me to follow her into her inner office to begin our session. After a quick glance to my dad, seeing his reassuring smile, I followed. There was a brown leather couch on one wall and a desk on the other. She sat in the desk chair and motioned me to sit on the couch. I thought to my self... how cliche.. a couch. I sat stiffly on the far side, crossed my ankles and folded my hands in my lap. I didn't know what to expect or how these things really worked.

"So, J. Is there anything you want to talk about today?"

"Umm.. no"

"O.K. well.. why don't we start off by you just telling me about yourself? What things do you like? What things do you hate? What things makes you happy or mad or sad?"

I took a deep breath before I began. I felt like I was taking a damn dating survey or something. I stumbled over my words in the beginning but eventually it became easier to talk to her. Before I knew it, our hour was up and we agreed that I would come back in a week to talk some more.

Three weeks and three sessions later we still hadn't approached the real reason why I was there. She was gently easing me into the topic and I appreciated that greatly. The forth session she finally brought up the sensitive topic. Though I felt I had made some sort of connection with her, I still cringed a little when she started talking about it.

As I left her office that day, I felt a little better about the subject. We really didn't talk much about it, we'd dip into it for a few minutes then she'd switch topics to something else and come back to it later. I didn't feel overwhelmed about it like I expected it to.

Week five came and I just had this feeling she was going to be a little more aggressive with her questions.. and I was right. As soon as I sat down on the couch and after she asked me how I was doing, she went right into questions.

"When did it start?" "Did I ever say no?" "How did I act towards him?" "Did I tell anyone?" "What happened when I told"

I tried to answer her questions as best as I could. Occasionally I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as I spoke but I tried my best to push them away. I didn't want to cry. Crying was a sign of weakness and I wasn't weak. I wasn't going to let O'Neil keep making me a victim over and over. I was strong and I was going to over come this.

She continued to ask me questions that too closely resembled the questions the VP asked me. For instance, did I feel that there was anything I thought I did, didn't do, or wore that maybe influenced his actions? The session ended and I left with a tightness in my chest and the remnants of tears on my cheek. This appointment had been the most stressful so far and I didn't like it, but agreed to see her again the following week.

Week six started the same as week five did; hit with question after question. It wasn't even 20 minutes into the session and I was bawling like a baby. I'm sure I was being overly sensitive, but I felt like I again was being blamed for what happened. Just like I felt the VP blamed me. She inquired if what I was currently wearing was the norm for me. I had on a skirt that fit snuggly, but not in a slutty way, that was above my knees and a v-neck shirt and flip-flops. I never dressed slutty, my parents barely allowed me to even WEAR short skirts above my knee. I informed her it was, and she asked if I had ever thought that what I wore around him maybe some how send him the wrong message.

I couldn't believe it!! Another person was insinuating that it was my fault because of what I was wearing!! Maybe it WAS true!??! But, in my mind I kept thinking.. it didn't matter WHAT I wore he had no right! It didn't matter if I was standing there completely naked, he still had no right to touch me without my permission and that NO MEANT NO, no matter what!

Another 10 minutes was all I could take and I fled the office. My dad was still seated in the waiting room, my mom had shown up and was sitting beside him, and I ran to both of them throwing my arms around my mom. I sobbed into her shoulder as they both tried to get me to tell them what happened. I didn't want to talk to either of them at that time, I just wanted to leave. The Dr. followed me out, trying to get me to talk to her. Trying to get me to come back into her office, but I wouldn't go. I wanted to be as far away from her as possible. Without asking any more questions, they gathered up our belongings and we headed for the door leaving the Dr. still standing in her waiting room.

Breaking it to Mom

**Sorry this is so late guys. I was being a MAJOR procrastinator this week.** :)

While we all waited for my mom to get home, things around the house were the same as usual; laying in front of the T.V. contemplating what we were having for dinner. Just before 5pm the phone rang and it was my mom letting us know she was on her way home. You could feel the tension rise in the air again as we all waited for her to arrive.

Within a half an hour the garage door began to open and my dad went out to meet her in the garage. They made idle chat while coming into the house and I tried to act nonchalant about her being home.

"Hey J"

"Hey mom. How was your day"

"Mine was O.K., but more importantly.. how was yours?"

"Fine" was all I could muster up at the moment. I didn't know when or how the subject was going to come up, but I knew it was and soon.

"Where's your brother and has anyone decided what we're going to do for dinner?"

"He's in his room and I was just saying to Dad that I was in the mood for pizza"

"Sounds fine to me, someone order it" and with that, she headed towards her room to change. My dad gave me a quick glance and followed behind her.

I headed over to the phone to order the pizza, but not before I went to tell my brother that mom was home and to expect the conversation any time.

"I'll just stay in here until she calls for me or the pizza gets here.. whatever comes first" He said without looking from the T.V. I nodded my head and closed the door behind me.

Ordering the pizza didn't take as long as I had hoped. I was really dreading the upcoming conversation about today's activities. As I hung up the phone I heard coming from the other side of the house, coming from my parent's bedroom..

"WHAT!" It was my mother and I knew then that my dad had started the conversation. I stayed seated at the desk in the family room not wanting to venture out and come face to face with my mother at that time. I heard their bedroom door fling open and she was calling for my brother. Using his FULL name. I knew then he was in deep shit. I ran from the family room through the dining room then the kitchen and got to the living room just as my mom was passing headed towards my brother's room.

"Mom" I wanted her attention. I wanted to talk to her before she talked to my brother. I wanted to tell her it wasn't his fault. O.K., yea.. they shouldn't have tried to attack O'Neil the way the did, but still.. the rest of the day wasn't his fault exactly. The shootings DEFINITELY weren't his fault anyway.

However, she kept walking. "MOM!! Please!! Just listen to me for a second!! I want to tell you what happened!"

"I want to hear it from your brother!" turning away from me, she called for him again. He slowly opened his bedroom door and stood in the doorway, not knowing what to expect. "Come out here. I want to talk to you!"

We all gathered around the table, just like my brother and I had with my dad just a few hours ago. "So, tell me what happened and don't leave out a THING!"

My brother began the story from when he received her phone call just after he got home from school leading up to when my dad came home. Of course.. thankfully, he left out the part about me smoking. Guess he didn't want to be in even MORE hot water than he already was. Throughout our conversation, the pizza had arrived and we started eating with the only interruption being my mom going out to look at his car. To every one's surprise she wasn't all that upset after she heard the entire story. At least, she wasn't all that mad at me or my brother anyway.

As we cleaned up our dishes from dinner, my brother had gone back into his room and my dad revisited the topic of me seeing a shrink. Though I had earlier agreed to go see someone, the thought of spilling my guts was starting to make me nervous.

Would it be easier to talk to someone about this that I don't know? Will they really be able to help? Do I really NEED the help? Can't I just forget all this happened???

I guess I was soon going to find out. The next day my dad made me an appointment with a local psychologist, my first appointment was 2 days away.

Surprise, Surprise

My father parked in the garage and my brother and I followed him into the house. He excused himself to change and I was thankful, that gave my brother and I some time to talk privately.

"What are we going to tell him" I whispered

"I don't know. We can't tell them the truth though. You know they will freak."

"I don't know. Maybe not. I mean, yea.. it got all crazy, but it wasn't actually our fault we got shot at. WE didn't have a gun"

Before my brother could answer, my dad came out of his bedroom and asked me to join him at the dinning room table to talk. I gave my brother one last glance and reluctantly followed, sitting across the table from my dad.

"So, tell me what's going on" he asked

"Umm.. well.. there's this kid on the bus.. umm.. his name is O'Neil and umm.. he started out being just mean to me. But, um.. then after a while.."

My dad interrupted me, "How long has been a while? When did it start?"

"The beginning of 6th grade. That's when it 1st started"

"It's been going on all this time and you never said anything? Why?"

I continued to tell my father everything that had happened since the beginning. He was appalled, disgusted but mostly, he was angry. VERY angry. Not just with O'Neil but with the bus driver as well as the VP. I don't think I've ever seen my dad THAT angry before. He rose from his seat and began to pace. Muttering only to himself. I wish I knew what was going through his mind, but maybe I didn't want to know.

At one point, I heard something along the lines of him wanting to kick O'Neil's ass but that he couldn't because O'Neil was still considered a child and I kind of chuckled.

"What's so funny?" He turned to me

"Oh.. umm.. nothing"

"Spill it, J. What? What's so damn funny? You think it's funny that I want to find this kid and beat him until he takes his last breath? Is it funny that I want to do the same thing to the driver and the VP? Do you think it's funny that I am fighting the urge to hunt them all down like a madman and kill every last 1 of them? DO YOU?" His voice began to rise and his hands were in fists at his side.

"N.. N.. no..." I stumbled out looking down. "No, that isn't funny, dad. But what I was laughing at is.. well.. Joe showed up at my bus stop today with some friends.. and umm.. I guess he was thinking the same you were cus.." I trailed off. I didn't know if I should finish even though I badly wanted to tell my dad everything that happened that day.

"WHAT?! What did he do?" My father was yelling again, which made me really nervous. I could probably count on one hand that amount of times I ever heard my dad yell. Without waiting for my responce, he called my brother into the dinning room as well.

As my brother entered, he shot me a look that said "Thanks a lot big mouth!" and again I just lowered my head.

"What happened today? And I want the WHOLE STORY! From the time you heard about what was going on with J til I pulled up. Now.. start talking"

My brother relayed our afternoon activities with as much aprehension as I did when telling my dad about what was going on with me. When they were through talking, my dad asked my brother to show him the damage to his car. The two of them started for the door and I was right behind them, "No, J. Stay here" my father ordered and I listened. I didn't want to anger him any more.

Watching from the window I saw my brother walk my dad around his car showing him the bullet holes. I half expected my dad to go into a rage, both from what my brother did and the fact that his car was shot twice. However, to my surprise, I saw my dad put one hand on my brother's shoulder calmly. I couldn't hear what they were saying but I could tell by their body language my dad wasn't mad. What surprised me even more was seeing my dad lean in and hug my brother, pat him on the back once more and they started walking back towards the house. By the time they reached the front door, I had moved away from the window and was sitting quietly on the couch.

"I'm just glad no one was hurt. I know what happened probably scared the shit out of all of you and I hope you learned your lesson, but I'm not going to lecture you. You know I would have done worse if I could have so I'm not going to punish either of you for what happened today." He told both of us

"What about Mom? She's going to freak out when she sees it" I interjected

"Don't worry about your mom, I'll talk to her. Just don't say anything to her until I get a chance to talk to her. Now J, we still need to talk so let's go back into the dinning room"

I nodded and followed my dad again, glancing at my brother with a half smile. He looked relieved that the truth had been told and excused himself to his room.

My dad and I talked some more about the unfortunate events in my life for the past year and a half, talked about how I felt about everything and I just wasn't comfortable getting that detailed with him. He suggested setting me up with a therapist to talk things out and to try to make sure I wouldn't have any long term affects from it all. I agreed that might be a good idea and he said he'd call tomorrow to find one. As our conversation came to a close the phone rang. It was my mom saying she was on her way home.

The whole house took a collective sigh, now we had to tell mom. Out of my two parents, she is sometimes the hardest to tell things to. She has the typical Italian tempter and unlike my father, she raises her voice quick. I knew there was going to be some yelling in my house again and it was going to be a looooonngg night tonight. My only thought was...

Are we ordering pizza?

Mario Andretti would be proud

I closed my eyes even tighter as I heard the screeching of the other car's tires approaching. I was just waiting for the bone breaking noise cars make when they collide. But it never came. The screeching stopped and horns were honking so I opened my eyes. Though I was afraid of what I might see still coming towards me, I wanted to know why it was taking so long to come.

To my surprise, the vehicle that I thought would make us all into roadkill stopped directly beside our car. The driver was obviously shaken and quiet mad.

"What the fuck is your problem! Why they hell did you come flying out of that street!??" the pissed of driver yelled at us.

Before any of us answered, my brother hit the gas again and we speed away. Hoping and praying the other driver didn't get our license plate number. To say I was scared is an understatement, but I was also filled with adrenaline. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it would fly out of my chest. My hands were shaking, my palms were sweaty and I thought I was going to throw up. My brother kept a pace that would make Mario Andretti impressed as we speed all the way home, constantly checking his rear view mirror.

No one spoke until we arrived at our house and were exiting the car, then every one of my brother's friends spoke in rapid succession.

"Jesus man.. that shit was crazy!"

"No shit! I really thought someone was gonna get shot!"

"Who knew that shit was gonna happen?"

"What did you think was gonna happen you dumbass! You started screaming about niggers in an all nigger town!!"

"Hey man... how's your car?"

"I'm kind of afraid to look actually" my brother said, as he lit a cigarette.

They all started circling his car checking for damage, I however sat on the front lawn still in shock. To every one's surprise, there was no visible body damage from the impact with the ditch, however there were 2 bullet holes. One was in the trunk just to the right of the lock and the other bullet hole was on the passenger side just above the rear wheel. I said a silent prayer of thanks that his gas tank wasn't on that side, otherwise we all would have been on fire.

"Who was that guy shooting at us anyway?" Someone asked

"J, do you know who that was? Was that that nigger's dad?" another asked

"I don't think so. I don't think his Father's still in the picture but everyone in that town is related somehow so it could have been an uncle or something, I don't know" I answered

"Well, I don't think he'll be messing with you anymore, if he knows what's good for him anyway" my brother said, trying to act like he wasn't shaken by what transpired. However, I could see that his own hands were just as shaky as mine still were.

"Umm.. can I have a cigarette?" I asked my brother without looking up to meet his eyes.

"WHAT?"

"I asked if I could have a cigarette, too"

"J, you're not old enough. Plus, they're bad for you"

"Yea.. says the guy who's been smoking long before you were the age I am now. Please?"

"Fine, but don't tell mom or dad I gave you one. They'll freak for sure!"

I had never had a cigarette before and wasn't even quiet sure how to smoke it right. I didn't want to look like a fool in front of my brother's friends who just almost gave their life for me. My brother handed me an unlit cigarette from his pack with words of advice, "Don't inhale real deep, you'll cough and probably throw up. Here, I'll light it for you"

I was really surprised he was being so nice about it. I figured he'd give me more of a fight, but he handed me the lit cigarette and I slowly took a drag. The thing tasted horrible and I wanted to puke, but to save face in front of everyone, I swallowed the bile rising in my throat.

"Yea.. well.. who's gonna tell them about the bullet holes?" I asked, attempting to take another drag.

"Shit! I don't know. They're gonna flip the fuck out when they see them, though"

We all tried brainstorming to figure out a good lie. Obviously there weren't ANY lies that would cover up that story convincingly. Just as my brother's friends were piling in their cars to leave, leaving my brother and I alone to figure out the mess, my father pulls up and parks directly beside my brother's car.

"Hey" my dad addressed us as he gathered his briefcase and coffee cup from the car.

"Uh.. hey. What are you doing home so early?" I cautiously asked, thankful I had already put out my cigarette before he arrived.

"Well, your mom called me at work and said there was a situation going on with you and some boy on the bus. I wanted to come home and talk about it and see what we were going to do to handle the situation"

My brother and I looked at eachother nervously. Little did my dad know.. we had already attempted 'handling' the situation. I was starting to wonder if cops were going to show up at the house any minute, if anyone from the bus or that town had gotten his license plate number OR the guy that almost hit us. Worry about that alone made me want to throw up again.

**Sorry this is late and shorter than my other posts usually are. I got home early this morning and was too tired to write it then. Hope you enjoy it anyway. Happy Monday all!**

Two shots rang out and the yelling stopped. Everyone looked around to see where the shots were coming from and saw an older black man walking from his front porch with a pistol in his hand aimed right at us. The screaming picked back up, but this time it wasn't racial slurs or threatening words, it was panic. Everyone was scrambling to hide. Car doors flew open, kids rolled over hoods and some dove under the bus. I didn't know what to do or what to say, I was in complete shock. This had gone too far!

My brother shoved his door open and began to climb out but I grabbed him by his sleeve and tried to pull him back in.

"Don't go! You'll get shot!" I pleaded

"J, I can't just leave my friends out there!!" he yelled back

"Drive over to them and try to get them! But don't get out of the car! PLEASE!!"

"What if they're hurt!? What if they're shot!!!!!" I could hear the panic in his voice and it was making me even more afraid

"PLEASE!! JUST DON'T GET OUT!! You won't be any good if you get shot too!!"

He paused briefly, apparently trying to decide if he should chance it, make a run for his friends or take my advice. I was relieved when he slid back into the driver seat and put it into gear. I looked to my right and the black man was approaching fast.

"GO! GO! GO!" I yelled, willing his little 4 cylinder car like it was a race car

He punched the gas and we took off, swerving around the bus missing it within inches. He stopped just on the other side of the bus and his friends scrambled to get inside. I don't know how we did it, but we had 8 people inside the car, everyone checking for bullet wounds. The other car that belonged to his friend pulled up beside us, honked and speed away. My brother hit the accelerator once more and we began to speed around the front of the bus. Just as we rounded the corner another shot rang out, hitting the trunk with a loud bang. Everyone screamed and my brother lost control of the car.

His right tire slammed into the curb and he over corrected, sending us into the other side of the road. When we hit the curb on that side, we were going too fast and instead of bouncing off the curb we went flying into a small ditch. He apparently never took his foot off the gas because the impact of the curb OR the ditch didn't slow us down.

None of us had our seat belts on so bodies were flying all over the car as we did a 360, bouncing off each side of the embankment. Our car took flight and we landed in the middle of an intersection, everyone yelling and screaming. I looked out the window to see a car headed straight for us. The driver side of the car. The side I was on AND my brother. I closed my eyes and braced for the impact.

Out of town

Hello ladies! I had to make an unexpected trip to Alabama this week. The only internet I have is thru my phone. I am hoping to be back home by Sunday to get a post up on Monday but incase I don't I just wanted to give ya'll a heads up.

Hope everyone has a great week!

You're nothing but trouble

*** WARNING! There is racial slang used in this post. It is not to offend anyone, I am just quoting what was said.***

I tried to look away, thinking if I ignored them, they would walk right past me. But I knew better. I was the only one on the bus that was having issues with the two people walking towards me. I glanced at Vanessa and she looked as puzzled as I felt scared. The VP and bus driver stopped directly infront of the seat I was sharing with Vanessa and I was glad I was closer to the window than the walk way.

Neither of them said anything for a long minute and I finally glanced up to meet them in the eye.

"You are nothing but trouble!" The VP yelled, then the driver interupted; "This is all your fault! I shouldn't even let you back on MY bus today! But let me tell you something LITTLE GIRL, if I so much as hear a peep out of you, you're off my bus for good! I don't care WHERE we are! Do you understand me!!?"

The entire bus fell quiet and everyone was staring at the 3 of us. I didn't know what to do, but I knew what I WANTED to do. I wanted to stand up and go off on the both of them, but knowing I would then not have ANY way home, I silently shook my head yes and they turned and walked back outside. The 2 of them chatted a little longer then the driver got back on the bus and we left.

"What was that about?" Vanessa whispered to me

"I'll tell you later" I whispered back

The other students were all buzzing with gossip while we rode home. I kept quiet for the remainder of the ride, I didn't want to call the driver's bluff about leaving me somewhere again. As we turned the last corner before our stop, I saw 2 cars parked at the bus stop. 1 car was my brother's but I didn't recognize the 2nd vehicle. Quickly but quietly I gathered my belongings and headed for the exit. Just as I left the last step I heard my brother call me over. I wondered what he was doing there, he NEVER picked me up from the bus stop. Before I reached his car 6 people piled out of it, including 5 more from the other car that was parked there.

"J, which one is he?" my brother yelled

"What?"

"You know what I'm talking about! Which one IS HE!"

"Oh.. umm.. he's sitting 3 seats down from the door.... why? What are you going to do?"

No sooner had I asked the question, 11 of his friends rushed the bus and began pounding on it and rocking it back and forth. 1 of his friends, a blonde kid I had never met before attempted to break the glass window where O'Neil sat with a wooden baseball bat.

"Come out here you fucking nigger! You want slap someone around!? Slap ME around!" the blonde kid screamed

"Yea! Come on out nigger! We're gonna beat you like the fucking slave you should be!" another one of my brother's friends yelled, trying to reach into the window to grab onto O'Neil.

"You worthless piece of burnt dog shit! We're gonna beat the shit out of you for touching her!" A tall dark-haired boy said

"Hey! Get the driver too! He let it happen!" Another boy yelled as he tried to pry open the bus doors.

I just stood there in complete shock. It was all happening so fast. So many of my brother's friends were trying their hardest to get in that bus, or get the driver and O'Neil out.

"J! J! J! What the hell is going on!" Vanessa kept asking me, pulling me by the sleeve to get out of the way

"Uhh... I guess my mom told my brother?" Was all I could think of to say.

"When did you tell your mom?"

I didn't answer, I didn't have time. The bus was begining to move, the driver obviously not caring if he ran over anyone.

"J! GET IN THE CAR NOW!" My brother hollered as all his friends were rushing back into the cars.

I didn't want to go. I wanted to go home, I didn't want to be apart of this.

"GET IN THE FUCKING CAR!!" my brother said once again, as he pushed me in the back seat.

Vanessa was left standing there bewildered; "I'll call you later!" I said as we peeled out. I looked behind us and the other car was following close behind, poor Vanessa was still standing there looking confused.

A few streets over the bus slowed for another bus stop, but since we were still behind them, he wouldn't open the doors. A kid from the car behind us got out and ran up to the bus again, "We don't want anyone else but that fucking nigger and you!" He yelled to the driver. The driver just sat there, doors still not opening.

Finally, we passed the bus and waited around the corner out of sight. The driver finally opened the doors and let the passengers out and turned the corner a few minutes later. We let him pass and got behind him once more. At the next traffic light, the driver opened the doors and walked towards us. I was afraid that either my brother or the car behind us was going to try to run him over, luckily there was too much traffic and we were blocked in.

"I don't know what your problem is man, but you need to leave my riders alone" The driver yelled from a few feet away and ran back to the bus. The light turned green and we continued to follow the bus to the next stop. Finally, 3 stops later we were at O'Neil's stop. The area O'Neil lived in was a very black neighborhood. Actually, it was an ALL black neighborhood. The neighborhood itself was fairly small, and almost everyone was related one way or another.

The bus pulled up to the stop but wouldn't open the doors. Just then, my blonde boy sitting next to me reached behind the seat (into the hatchback area) and grabbed another baseball bat. The boy to on the other side of me grabbed metal nunchucks.

OH sweet Jesus! What's gonna happen??

The other car pulled in behind us and all of the passengers started running for the bus again. I made my brother promise me he wouldn't get out, mame him promise he'd stay inside with me.

It seemed like an eternity of screams and yells coming from my brother's friends.

"Get out here nigger! You're gonna see what a beating really feels like!"

"If you're lucky, we'll leave you for dead instead of killing you right now you dirty nigger!"

Two shots rang out and the yelling stopped.

"I am THIS close to calling the authorities on you, not just the school, but YOU!! My child came to you about a problem and what did you do? You made her feel like is was her fault! Basically saying she asked for it, then making the situation WORSE!! What kind of VP ARE YOU? What kind of PERSON are you to do that to a CHILD! After she brought it to your attention and your lack of concern or WHATEVER, the way I view it.. anything that happened to her AFTER that is YOUR FAULT! YOU put my child in danger! You contributed to harming a child!!" My mom's voice was getting louder and louder as her face turned an unfamiliar red. She was begining to shake in her chair out of anger, and I began shaking out of fear. I seriously thought my mom was going to come over the desk and choke the woman.

"She told me she never actually said no.." The VP started

"WHAT?! Are you seriously going to try to justify your actions with that statement?? Are you honestly going to say that because she didn't say the exact word.. she didn't say 'NO' to him, that it's her fault? She came to YOU to make it stop and what did you do?? Not a Goddamn thing! You made the situation worse! Do you know what he did to her after you talked to him? He HIT HER!"

"Well, she never came back so I thought.."

"EXCUSE ME?? She never came back??? Why the hell would she?!? She came to you 1st, she saw what happened when she did come to you.. why didn't YOU follow up? YOU ARE THE ADULT! YOU ARE THE VP! IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!!"

"Ma'am, if you would just calm d.."

"Don't you DARE tell me to calm down! This is my DAUGHTER! You want to know what ELSE he's done to her?"

Before the VP was able to respond, my Mother went into detail of the things I told her that morning. Before she was finished, the VP interupted her..

"Well, did your DAUGHTER also tell you she was kicked off the bus yesterday for assulting a student?" The VP asked with her arrogance coming back to her.

"OH! Thank you for bringing that up! Yes, as a matter of fact she DID tell me! And do you know WHY she 'assulted' him, as you so want to put it. She was defending herself! HE was ASSULTING HER! So, again! This school has failed my child and her safety! Not only have you not stopped the abuse she was receiving from another student, who I might add is WAY too old to be in her own grade, but then the bus driver KICKS HER OFF THE BUS MIDRIDE?? Where in your policy does it state that THAT is acceptable? Because of the business I am in, I know for a FACT you are NOT allowed to KICK a child off the bus once it leaves the school. If there is a problem with a child, the parents are called and the child has to wait at the school for a ride. You better hope to GOD you don't lose your job, the bus driver doesn't lose his, and you don't have criminal charges brought against BOTH of you for this! If I do proceed with charges, you BOTH can kiss your careers goodbye!"

"Ma'am, if you would just.."

By now my mother was standing up again, leaning over the desk about 3 inches from the VP's face, "Just shut up! It's obvious you are a complete idiot and don't know how to do your job right! I'm done speaking with you! I just wanted to come in here to let you know you pissed off the wrong parent! If my child comes home with so much as a red mark on her body from that boy, there WILL be hell to pay and you might as well pack up your things and leave town because I'm coming back FOR YOU! I expect that from now on, it will be made sure that this boy does not come in contact with her at all. He better not even sit on the same side of the bus with her. J, grab your things, we're leaving."

With that, I picked up my bag and followed my mom out of the office into the hallway.

"J, I'm really sorry, but you're going to have to ride the bus home today after school, we'll figure something out for the rest of the time. But I just can't come back and pick you up and your dad's in meetings all day. He doesn't even know what's going on, I couldn't reach him, otherwise he'd be in here too. But call me as soon as you get home and let me know how it goes."

She gave me a long hug and a kiss and walked out. School had already started so I ran back into the office to get a pass for being late. The secretary, who obviously heard most of the conversation, didn't argue with me and slid the pass across the counter without making eye contact.

As I walked to class, I said a silent prayer, wishing Vanessa was there, even if it was only for moral support. The rest of the day went by in a fog and I was nervous about the ride home. The only thing that kept me going was knowing that this was going to be the last day I had to ride the bus. I went to my locker to grab the rest of my things and started towards the bus when I heard someone calling my name. I turned around and was shocked to see Vanessa running after me, "What are you doing here? I thought you weren't coming in today?"

"Well, my last appointment got canceled so my dad brought me in so I could at least go to my last 2 classes. Stupid if you ask me, but you know my dad. Did I miss anything today?"

I wanted to fill her in on what happened in the office that morning, but we were already at the bus, waiting our turn to get on so I decided to tell her on the walk home. As we found our seats and waiting to leave, her and I both noticed that O'Neil sat only 3 seats away from the front. Vanessa and I looked at each other quizatively and I just shrugged, I didn't have time to explain. Now that O'Neil wasn't sitting with me, Vanessa snuck up to my seat and sat down. It was nice to have a seat mate I enjoyed talking to.

We felt the bus lurch forward as it started to move but then pulled over to the curb and stop. The bus driver parked and walked down to the VP who was waiting on the sidewalk. They chatted a few minutes, each taking turns to look in our direction. We couldn't hear what they were saying, but it was evident neither of them were happy.

Minutes later the driver and the VP boarded and started walking directly towards me with a stern look. I had no idea what they were going to do or say, but I was about to find out.

Butterflies... take me away..

I tried to finish my breakfast while waiting for my mom to get to work, but I just couldn't eat it. The butterflies in my stomach were starting to make me sick. I hated directly lying to my parents and I had a really hard time doing it. I would stumble over my words and it would be a dead give-a-way.

I threw the rest of my breakfast in the trash, took a deep breath and dialed her work number. One the 3rd ring she answered:

"Hey Mom, I uhh, was calling because I feel like crap and uhh don't want to go to school."

"Hmm.. oh really? Well, what's wrong?"

"My stomach hurts really bad and I feel like I'm going to throw up" Which WAS the truth, but it was my nerves and nothing more.

"Does this have anything to do with Vanessa calling you this morning?"

"No"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes"

"What's really going on? Did you not do your homework last night?"

"No, I did it. I really, honestly, don't feel good"

"Do you have a test you didn't study for?"

"No. Really!! Mom!! I don't feel good and don't want to go!" I was starting to lose my patients! Why couldn't she just say O.K.??

"I don't believe you're really sick, J. What's going on? Tell me right now!!" Apparently she was starting to lose her patients as well. I don't know why, if it was her yelling at me or what, but I broke down crying.

"J, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"I.... (sob).. don't.. (sob).. want to.. (sob).. ride the..(sob).. bus (sob)."

"WHAT? I can't understand you. Settle down. Now.. what are you trying to say?"

I took a deep breath and tried to start again. "Mom, there's a guy on the bus. He's mean to me and I'm afraid of him"

"What do you mean he's 'mean' to you?"

"He hits me sometimes and touches me"

"Hits you?? Touches you where?"

"Up my skirt or shorts, down my shirt, what ever he decides and yes, hits me. Especially if I try to push him away or tell him no."

"I'll be home in 15 min, be dressed! You're going to school and I'm taking you!" She yelled then hung up the phone before even saying goodbye. I held the phone to my ear wondering what was going to happen now. Did I make the right decision? Of course I did, but at what price? Oh my God! What was my father going to do when he found out??

I showered in record time and threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I was in no mood to dress up for school. Just as I was sliding my shoes on I heard my mother practically bust the garage door leading into the house down.

"J!" She shouted

"Yea! I'll be right out"

I slinked out of my room. avoiding all eye contact with her. I was too embarressed to look at her and didn't want her looking at me.

"Sit down and I want you to tell me EVERYTHING. From the time it started to now." My mom demanded

I took a deep breath and started at the very begining. I explained the bruises I lied to her about before, I explained my foul moods and I explained what really happened with the bump to my head. To say she was mad would be an understatement. Thankfully though, she decided to overlook my drinking episode for the most part with only a comment: "Don't EVER do that again"

After I finished the whole story, I was in tears and was shaking. She walked over and sat next to me on the couch and hugged me. Finally, she pulled away and said we were going to my school and she was going to have a chat with the VP. I also explained what happened when I TRIED to talk to the VP. With nothing more than a pursed lip, she turned and walked back to the garage. I knew when my mom was in this mood to not say too much, it would only make her angrier.

We pulled up to my school shortly after and I didn't want to get out of the car. The butterflies in my stomach felt like they were going to take flight and I wished they would take me with them. I didn't want to be there and surely didn't want to go inside. But, like all mom's, she forced me out of the car and we went inside.

At the counter of the front office my mother made her presence known; "I want to speak to the VP, NOW!" She leaned over the counter, gripping it like it was the only thing holding her up at that moment.

"The VP is out at the bus ramps still and won't be in for another 20 minutes. If you tell me why....." The secretary started but was cut off by my mother's growing temper.

"I don't care WHAT she's doing! You get her in here RIGHT NOW! And NO I will NOT WAIT and NO I will NOT tell YOU why I'm here! It involves my child and that's all you need to know!" My mother's grip on the counter was tighter and her knuckles were starting to turn white. I knew my mom had a temper but I never witnessed it before.

"Yes ma'am. I'll call her. If you would just take a seat please.."

Without another word, my mother found a chair in the waiting room and sat down. I followed behind her quietly.

A few minutes later the VP walked into the office with an arrogance. "You requested to see me? What can I do for you?"

"First, you can take this to your office. I'm not having this discussion out here" My mother snapped back as she stood. Guess my mom noticed the VP's arrogance, too.

The VP looked a little surprised but ushered us into a small private office a few doors down.

"Please... have a seat"

My mother and I sat across from the arrogant women and I waited for someone to speak. It wasn't a surprise that it was my mother who spoke.. or rather.. yelled first.

Mom's always know....

I gained my footing and began pulling away from the driver but he had a death grip on me. I was no where near strong enough to fight back and reluctantly began walking on my own. He stood at the bottom step blocking my path to re-enter. I turned around throwing daggers with my eyes but it didn't seem to phase him. Before he stepped back, Vanessa was standing directly behind him, "I'm getting off too!" she squared her shoulders and said.

"You're not allowed! Go sit back down" he bellowed

"If she has to go, I'm going too!!" Vanessa shot back

I just stood there with my mouth open, amazed at my normally docile friend. I wanted to tell her to go back and sit down, to not get in trouble because of me but my mouth wouldn't form the words my brain instructed. The driver moved to the side and let her exit, to everyone's astonishment.

"Anyone ELSE want to play hero?" He grumbled as he resumed his spot behind the wheel. Before anyone was able to answer, with Vanessa and I standing just outside the bus, he slammed the door shut in our face and the bus rumbled on.

There was a silence... an eery silence between Vanessa and I as we still stood there in the same spot where we were abondoned. Looking to the right, I could see the other passengers staring at us through the windows as the bus follwed the rounding curve. They all had a look of disbelief.

I finally turned to look at Vanessa, half ashamed half relieved she was there. I knew if she got in trouble for anything her Father was going to punish her severly. He was just a very strict man like that. A resigned sigh escaped both of us as we looked to each other for hope.

"Might as well start walking" I said, though it still seemed as if Vanessa was still not listening.

"Yea.. I guess. Where are we, anyway?"

We both took a few minutes to finally look at our surroundings as I started to chuckle.

"What's so funny?? I don't find it humerous to have to walk all the way home"

"Vanessa!! Don't you realize where we are!?" I couldn't help but to start laughing uncontrolably. Vanessa looked at me like I was on drugs.

"Oh my GOD Vanessa! Wake up!!" I snapped my fingers near her nose, "We're only on the street behind my house!! Hell, this walk is even closer to my house than the actual BUS stop is!! If we could climb the fence in my backyard, we'll be there within seconds!!" I was still laughing, trying hard to catch my breath.

It was like someone turned Vanessa's brain back on and she started to look around, finally realizing where we were.

"Oh now THAT'S better!! I thought we were closer to school!" she let a little giggle.

"Umm.. I don't think I want to attempt the fence, we'll just walk around, O.K.?"

"Sure"

We arrived at my house faster than we would have if we had actually MADE it to the bus stop. I offered her to come inside, but she said her Father was waiting for her. Your Father's ALWAYS waiting for you I thought to myself, but told her it was fine and we parted ways.

I was surprised to see my brothers car in the drive, but shrugged it off and went inside. He was sitting on the couch, stuffing his face with cheese sandwhiches and milk. How the hell does he stay SOOO thin eating all that crap? He can eat 1/2 a loaf of bread and a 1/2 gallon a milk in 1 sitting.. and yet he's tall and slender. Umph..

"Hey J" He said, without taking his eyes off the T.V.

"What are you doing home? Thought you had work?" I dropped my bag by the door and joined him on the couch, stealing a slice of cheese.

"Well..."

"Don't tell me you got fired!!??"

"No, nothing like that.. I've finally made up my mind. I'm joining the Army. I went and met with the recruiter today after school. Work gave me the day off to do that."

"You WHAT?!? I didn't even know you were thinking about it! Does Mom and Dad know?"

"Yea, they know, well.. they know I had been thinking about it. It's kind of a tradition in our family, you know that. All the men in our family have been in the service, even if it was for only a little bit."

"Oh. Well, yea.. but that was a different time. There were wars going on, they HAD to go. You don't HAVE to go. When are you leaving? What about school?" I had so many questions for my brother.

"Well, I want to, even IF there isn't a war. Which may come anyway.. I overheard the recruiter on the phone, talking about Desert Storm or something, I don't know. Anyway, I'll be leaving in 2 weeks. I have enough credits to graduate right now. All the classes I'm taking right now are just fillers or AP classes since I already finished the required classes. School said that they would let me go now, with my diploma, if I showed them proof I was leaving for the Army."

I didn't know what to say. I didn't want him to leave. Even though at the time, there was no war, I was afraid he'd get injured or die. I didn't want to lose my brother. Yes, we may fight, like all siblings do, but really.. we were pretty close. Suprising too, since we were 5 years apart. I was going to miss him more than I would ever know.

I needed to gather my thoughts, so I left the livingroom to lay down in my bed. Pepper didn't need to go out, and I wasn't hungry for a snack. I rested my head on my pillow with the intent to just relax but at some point I drifted off to sleep.

I woke up a few hours later to my Dad asking if I was going to eat dinner with them. I got up and followed him into the dinningroom. There was tension in the air, my mother was busy fussing over the pots on the stove, my brother with his slumped shoulders was sitting at the bar and my father wasn't making eye contact with anyone. I knew he had already told him about his plans but not another word was spoken in my presence.

After dinner we all went our seperate ways in the house, no one speaking to the other. I didn't even bother with my homework, but instead decided to go back to sleep.

Early the next morning I heard the phone ring and wondered who could be calling at that time.

"J! The phone's for you!" My Mother shouted from the other side of the house.

I went to the kitchen to answer it, figuring I'd kill 2 birds with 1 stone. Eat breakfast and see who it was.

"Hey, sorry to call so early" Vanessa's voice sounded in my ear

"No problem, what's up?"

"I won't be in school today"

"WHAT!? WHY!" I tried to keep my voice down. So many thoughts were running threw my head. The kitchen began to swirl and there was an aching in my stomach. I thought I was going to throw up.

Before I could hear Vanessa's answer, my mom breezed in, grabbed her coffee, gave me a kiss and said she was leaving. The house was empty now, everyone else had already left.

"Sorry, my mom was talking to me. What did you say? Why aren't you going?"

"I forgot I had a dentist and a Dr's appointment today. By the time I get down with both of those, it'll be almost time for school to be out... so I won't be going"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This can't be happening! I can't face the driver all by myself today! We finished our conversation and as I hung up the phone, I was trying to figure out what I was going to do. Skip school? Call my mom and tell her I was sick and didn't want to go? Lie? Oh God.. what was I going to do, because I SURELY couldn't go all alone.

I decided to call my mom and tell her I was sick. I just had to give her time to get to work.

Why is it Mom's ALWAYS know when you're lieing?

Hung over and fed up

I awoke the next morning in more pain than I had when I went to bed. My head was throbbing for various reasons and my body felt like it had been run over by a dumptruck. I didn't want to go to school but I knew if I asked to stay home my parents would be worried and insist on taking me to a doctor. The last thing I wanted to was to go see a Doctor because in my young mind, I thought they would surely know I had gotten drunk the night before and all hell would break loose in my house.

I slowly edged myself out of bed and made a beeline for the shower hoping the hot water would releave some of my aches. When I emerged I didn't feel any different and again wished I could stay home. I was in no mood to put up with anyone, ESPECIALLY O'Neil. I felt like I was moving in slow motion as I got dressed, tried to shove some toast in my mouth and walk to Vanessa's. When her father answered the door, he said something in spanish then snickered. I could only imagine it was along the lines of "Damn girl, you look like shit", but I didn't reply. Vanessa walked out a few minutes later and by the look on her face, I assumed she thought the same thing.

"What the hell happened to you??" She asked

"I kinda, sorta, got drunk last night with Angie then fell in the tub and whacked my head"

"What the hell made you drink??"

"I don't know.. but I don't want to talk about it. My head is STILL pounding and I feel like I'm gonna be sick"

"Yea, you look like you're gonna be sick"

With that, we ended the conversation and made our way to the bus stop chatting about upcoming tests and homework assignments. As the bus pulled to a stop, I took a deep breath and boarded. I knew O'Neil wasn't going to be there yet, but that still didn't make me any less tense. I found my seat, sat down, leaned my head against the window and closed my eyes. The sunlight was making my headache even worse and I dreamed of being back in bed.

Before I knew it, we were pulling up to O'Neil's stop. I kept my eyes closed hoping he would ignore me... and it worked for a short time. The closer we got to school, the more he tried touching me but I didn't move. I tried to act like I was asleep hoping he would get bored and stop. He got as far as sliding his hand up the pant leg of my shorts, however wasn't able to touch anything important. The bus came to a stop at school and we all began to leave. I waited a few more minutes, giving O'Neil and his friends time to exit before I grabbed my own belongings and left. Vanessa met me outside and we continued on our way.

The day seemed to drag and with every hour my head throbbed harder. By the end of the day I seriously thought my head was going to explode. I shut my locker and slowly made my way to the bus, still dreaming of being in bed thinking it was only a little longer and I could be laying down. I climbed the steps to the bus puzzled as why the driver was starring at me but I just shrugged it off and kept walking. My mood hadn't improved throughout the day, infact, it had gotten worse.

Finding the same seat I had that morning, sat down with my eyes closed and my head against the window. The bus was starting to spin and I fought to keep my lunch down. I heard O'Neil as he stomped up the bus steps and wished he would fall and break his neck. He and the bus driver exchanged words, a chuckle, then O'Neil made his way to me. I closed my eyes again prepared to ignore him and act like I was sleeping like I had that morning.

The bus lurched forward and we were finally on our ride home. It didn't take long for O'Neil to pick up where he left off the day before. His disgusting hands roaming by body, assulting me with his fingers. I don't know what pissed me off more.. that he thought he could (still) get away with it or that it was O.K. to touch someone who obviously was (acting) asleep. Whatever it was, it sent me over the edge. The pain in my head and body temporarily left and I was consumed with anger. Wild, scary anger. I saw only red.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME YOU FUCKING PIECE OF DOG SHIT!! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU FUCKING ARE?!! YOU WORTHLESS ASSHOLE!! I HATE YOU!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!! I WISH YOU WOULD FUCKING DIE!!" I stood up and screamed as my hands violently waved in the air. I knew I had made contact at least 3 times because the wail O'Neil let out made the entire bus quiet. They all turned and looked at me. I looked at O'Neil, but I could feel 100 pairs of eyes burning into me. I didn't care, I had had enough.

"IF YOU TOUCH ME 1 MORE FUCKING TIME I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!" I ranted and continued swinging until I felt the bus come to a hard stop. I looked around and new we weren't at my bus stop, but couldn't figure out WHY we had stopped. The bus driver was already stomping down the walkway with a red face. He was pissed.

"Get off my bus! Get off right now!" he screamed at me while all the other riders looked in amazement

'What??" I turned toward him

"You heard me! Get off! RIGHT NOW! I won't tolerate that on my bus!"

"You won't tolerate THAT but you'll tolerate what he does to me??" I yelled back

He grabbed me by the back of my shirt and began to drag me. "But we're not even close to the bus stop!"

He said nothing as he continued to pull me towards the doors. I had no idea what I was going to do.