Sessions

It was the day of my 1st appointment with the shrink. I was really nervous all day at school and the day seemed to fly by though I wished it hadn't. My dad picked me up when school let out and we only had about 30 minutes to rush to the appointment. We arrived in plenty of time at the office and I reluctantly got out of the car. I couldn't understand why I felt the way I did. She was supposed to help me.. so why was I acting like this was my last walk before I was about to be executed?

We entered her office and she appeared shortly from another room and introduced herself with her hand out stretched; "Hi! I'm Dr. Juanita Garcia. Are you J?". Dr. Garcia was a short round women with dark skin and long black hair. She looked to be in her late 40's or more with glasses sliding down her nose and a pleasant face.

"Yes" I replied as I shook her hand.

"It's very nice to meet you." She turned to my dad, "You must be J's dad. Nice you meet you, too"

They exchanged pleasantries while I glanced around the waiting room at all the awards and diploma's on the walls. She must be pretty good if she's received all these...

As she finished talking with my dad, she asked me to follow her into her inner office to begin our session. After a quick glance to my dad, seeing his reassuring smile, I followed. There was a brown leather couch on one wall and a desk on the other. She sat in the desk chair and motioned me to sit on the couch. I thought to my self... how cliche.. a couch. I sat stiffly on the far side, crossed my ankles and folded my hands in my lap. I didn't know what to expect or how these things really worked.

"So, J. Is there anything you want to talk about today?"

"Umm.. no"

"O.K. well.. why don't we start off by you just telling me about yourself? What things do you like? What things do you hate? What things makes you happy or mad or sad?"

I took a deep breath before I began. I felt like I was taking a damn dating survey or something. I stumbled over my words in the beginning but eventually it became easier to talk to her. Before I knew it, our hour was up and we agreed that I would come back in a week to talk some more.

Three weeks and three sessions later we still hadn't approached the real reason why I was there. She was gently easing me into the topic and I appreciated that greatly. The forth session she finally brought up the sensitive topic. Though I felt I had made some sort of connection with her, I still cringed a little when she started talking about it.

As I left her office that day, I felt a little better about the subject. We really didn't talk much about it, we'd dip into it for a few minutes then she'd switch topics to something else and come back to it later. I didn't feel overwhelmed about it like I expected it to.

Week five came and I just had this feeling she was going to be a little more aggressive with her questions.. and I was right. As soon as I sat down on the couch and after she asked me how I was doing, she went right into questions.

"When did it start?" "Did I ever say no?" "How did I act towards him?" "Did I tell anyone?" "What happened when I told"

I tried to answer her questions as best as I could. Occasionally I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as I spoke but I tried my best to push them away. I didn't want to cry. Crying was a sign of weakness and I wasn't weak. I wasn't going to let O'Neil keep making me a victim over and over. I was strong and I was going to over come this.

She continued to ask me questions that too closely resembled the questions the VP asked me. For instance, did I feel that there was anything I thought I did, didn't do, or wore that maybe influenced his actions? The session ended and I left with a tightness in my chest and the remnants of tears on my cheek. This appointment had been the most stressful so far and I didn't like it, but agreed to see her again the following week.

Week six started the same as week five did; hit with question after question. It wasn't even 20 minutes into the session and I was bawling like a baby. I'm sure I was being overly sensitive, but I felt like I again was being blamed for what happened. Just like I felt the VP blamed me. She inquired if what I was currently wearing was the norm for me. I had on a skirt that fit snuggly, but not in a slutty way, that was above my knees and a v-neck shirt and flip-flops. I never dressed slutty, my parents barely allowed me to even WEAR short skirts above my knee. I informed her it was, and she asked if I had ever thought that what I wore around him maybe some how send him the wrong message.

I couldn't believe it!! Another person was insinuating that it was my fault because of what I was wearing!! Maybe it WAS true!??! But, in my mind I kept thinking.. it didn't matter WHAT I wore he had no right! It didn't matter if I was standing there completely naked, he still had no right to touch me without my permission and that NO MEANT NO, no matter what!

Another 10 minutes was all I could take and I fled the office. My dad was still seated in the waiting room, my mom had shown up and was sitting beside him, and I ran to both of them throwing my arms around my mom. I sobbed into her shoulder as they both tried to get me to tell them what happened. I didn't want to talk to either of them at that time, I just wanted to leave. The Dr. followed me out, trying to get me to talk to her. Trying to get me to come back into her office, but I wouldn't go. I wanted to be as far away from her as possible. Without asking any more questions, they gathered up our belongings and we headed for the door leaving the Dr. still standing in her waiting room.