I called by parents to ask if it was O.K. if I spent the day with Amy and after I got their approval and hung up, we quickly got ready. Since I hadn't anticipated seeing them again so soon, I didn't bring any 'cute' outfits so I had to borrow something from Amy. Luckily we were close to the same size and we put our finishing touches on just as the guys called back once more.
Tony informed Amy that they were on the way to the mall and told us where to meet them. Amy's dad dropped us off 20 minutes later and her and I were nervous all over again. We made our way up the escalators and found Tony and Johnny sitting at a table talking intently. Slowly we approached and Tony saw us first, directing Johnny in our direction. They stood as we reached their table and they both greeted us with hugs and kisses. This time, I kissed back. I loved the scent of Johnny. He always smelled of speariment breath mints and Drakkar Noir (hey! It was the 90's!!) and I nuzzled my face in his chest breathing him in.
We sat and talked for a few minutes, recollecting the events of the previous night and how much fun we both had. Deceiding to walk around the mall, each of the guys grabbed our hand and led us around. Looking in store windows, wondering in department stores and then they led us to Fredrick's of Hollywood.
Amy and I gave a worried glance to eachother as we entered. We both knew we weren't the right age to be in that store, ESPECIALLY with two guys older than us. The sales woman gave us a disapproving glance, told us if we needed anything to ask and walked away. The guys had a good time rummaging through the merchandise, holding up lingerie to us that they liked. Amy and I tried to put on a happy face but we were both uncomfortable being in there.
Johnny tried to buy me a bra and panties set but after much begging, pleading and 'no no no' he finally gave in. He instead tried to push me into trying some things on, offering to go in with me to give his approval. Again, it took a lot of no's but he eventually stopped asking. Tony and Amy had walked off to another part of the store and I could hear giggles and see the admiring glances he gave her. We left the store soon after but the mood out our little group had changed. Johnny stopped holding my hand and he began walking 2-3 steps ahead of me. Tony and Amy got in step with me and though they could feel the tension between Johnny and I, neither of them said anything.
Tony continued to be a gentleman for the remainder of the day, though Johnny began acting as if I wasn't even there. It was time for us to leave and Amy and Tony had resumed their lip-locking. I walked over to Johnny timidly.
"Umm.. so.. I guess we're leaving now"
"O.K." he replied without even looking at me
"Did I do something to make you mad?"
"Forget about it"
"No. Please I want to know. What did I do?"
He turned to face me finally. Leaning down until our noses were only an inch apart.
"I don't like being embarressed in front of my boy"
"What do you mean? How did I embarress you?"
"How did you embarress me? What would you call it back there in the store?"
"But Johnny.. I didn't want to try those on. I was too embarressed. Plus.. him and Amy weren't even around. They were off doing their own thing, he couldn't hear us"
"Doesn't matter. He knew you kept telling me no."
I didn't know what else to say except that I was sorry. I stood there a little while longer waiting to see if he would say anything else and all he did was step back and turn away from me again. I sighed and started to walk away.
"I'll call you tonight and we'll talk" he said after me
"O.K." was all I could say and continued to walk.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
To my disappointment, the week seemed to drag on. Amy and I couldn't wait until the weekend to meet up with Johnny and Tony again.
Finally the day came and Amy and I spent most of the afternoon trying to pick out the perfect outfit. Since I was too young to date and I was never one to wear make-up, I had to do my finishing touches at Amy's house. My dad dropped me off with the thought that her dad was taking us to a movie and I was spending the night at her house afterwards. Her dad of course knew we weren't doing that, since he was the 1 that was going to drop us off Down Town and pick us back up later on that night.
Little did any of them know, we were about to go on our very first date.
Her dad dropped us off in front of the teen dance club around 8pm informing us he would be back at 11:30 to pick us up and we better not be a minute late. That only gave us 3 1/2 hours to spend with the guys, but it was better than nothing.
We waved goodbye and started towards the door of the club. Once we saw that he had driven away, we made a beeline for the the designated meeting place. Stopping off once in a bathroom to check our make-up and we were back on our way, nervously giggling and chatting.
Johnny spotted us before we spotted them and he surprised me by wrapping his arms around me from behind. I probably jumped about a foot off the floor and awkwardly accepted his embrace. Tony leaned into Amy for a kiss and she graciously accepted. I did notice that Eric wasn't with them this time... which was fine with me. He seemed more like the loner type anyway, he didn't talk much.
We spent the rest of the evening walking around the town, ducking into shops, clubs and they even snuck us into a bar or 2. They tried to get us to drink some, but neither of us wanted to have to explain the smell of alcohol to her dad so we declined. It never occurred to me to wonder why.. if they were only 18 and 19, why there were able to buy drinks until later that night.
It didn't take long for me to feel very comfortable with Johnny. He just had that way about him. His hands wondered a little too much for my (lack of) experience but I never pushed his hand away. When he leaned in for a kiss after only an hour together, I didn't pull away this time. It was nice to finally kiss someone of my own free will. It was nice to kiss someone that I WANTED to kiss. To have someone that I was attracted to to touch me and hold me
11:20 arrived and it was time to say a reluctant goodbye. We had decided to part ways a block away from where her dad was going to pick us up, just in case he arrived early, we didn't want him to catch us. With promises to talk soon and to make plans to get together the next weekend, we made out like the horny teenagers we were and left.
For the rest of the night and into the wee hours of the morning, all we talked about were the guys. What we considered our real 'first date', our real 'first kisses' and the naughty thoughts teenage girls have that we want to do with our current crushes.
We couldn't wait to talk to them again and see them again and hoped it would be for longer next time.
Our wake-up call the next day came at 10am... from Tony. They wanted to hang out again and we made plans to meet them at the mall.
Finally the day came and Amy and I spent most of the afternoon trying to pick out the perfect outfit. Since I was too young to date and I was never one to wear make-up, I had to do my finishing touches at Amy's house. My dad dropped me off with the thought that her dad was taking us to a movie and I was spending the night at her house afterwards. Her dad of course knew we weren't doing that, since he was the 1 that was going to drop us off Down Town and pick us back up later on that night.
Little did any of them know, we were about to go on our very first date.
Her dad dropped us off in front of the teen dance club around 8pm informing us he would be back at 11:30 to pick us up and we better not be a minute late. That only gave us 3 1/2 hours to spend with the guys, but it was better than nothing.
We waved goodbye and started towards the door of the club. Once we saw that he had driven away, we made a beeline for the the designated meeting place. Stopping off once in a bathroom to check our make-up and we were back on our way, nervously giggling and chatting.
Johnny spotted us before we spotted them and he surprised me by wrapping his arms around me from behind. I probably jumped about a foot off the floor and awkwardly accepted his embrace. Tony leaned into Amy for a kiss and she graciously accepted. I did notice that Eric wasn't with them this time... which was fine with me. He seemed more like the loner type anyway, he didn't talk much.
We spent the rest of the evening walking around the town, ducking into shops, clubs and they even snuck us into a bar or 2. They tried to get us to drink some, but neither of us wanted to have to explain the smell of alcohol to her dad so we declined. It never occurred to me to wonder why.. if they were only 18 and 19, why there were able to buy drinks until later that night.
It didn't take long for me to feel very comfortable with Johnny. He just had that way about him. His hands wondered a little too much for my (lack of) experience but I never pushed his hand away. When he leaned in for a kiss after only an hour together, I didn't pull away this time. It was nice to finally kiss someone of my own free will. It was nice to kiss someone that I WANTED to kiss. To have someone that I was attracted to to touch me and hold me
11:20 arrived and it was time to say a reluctant goodbye. We had decided to part ways a block away from where her dad was going to pick us up, just in case he arrived early, we didn't want him to catch us. With promises to talk soon and to make plans to get together the next weekend, we made out like the horny teenagers we were and left.
For the rest of the night and into the wee hours of the morning, all we talked about were the guys. What we considered our real 'first date', our real 'first kisses' and the naughty thoughts teenage girls have that we want to do with our current crushes.
We couldn't wait to talk to them again and see them again and hoped it would be for longer next time.
Our wake-up call the next day came at 10am... from Tony. They wanted to hang out again and we made plans to meet them at the mall.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Cause and Effect
The next few days I tried to make my decision. I knew what I SHOULD do; press charges on all of them, but what I wanted to do was completely different. I wanted to just forget it all happened. I wanted to go back to my old life before any of this had started. I also knew that if I did decide to press charges, the process would not be a quick one. It could take a very long time, years even, before this was all over. I didn't want the WHOLE school to know about what happened to me and I didn't want to be known all over school as the person that got the VP fired. I didn't want the reputation that that would bring to follow me for the rest of my school days, being known as a trouble maker to other teachers and office professionals... at least thats what my brain kept telling me.
The following Sunday, my mom sat me down to ask me what my decision was. I knew she would be disappointed in what I had decided and I was a little nervous telling her. Even though she told me before that her and my dad would be supportive in either decision, I knew what she wanted me to do.
"Mom... I don't want to do it. I just want to forget this all happened. I don't want everyone to know what has been going on. I just want to be a KID. A kid without all this... this.. CRAP!"
She sat there quietly before responding, "I understand, J and I'm not going to talk you into doing anything you don't want to do. BUT! Just think about this.. do you think it's right that they get away with this? Any of them?"
"NO! Of course not! But Mom! I don't want to be the kid that's responsible for having them punished. I'm just a kid! I don't want that responsibility!"
"I understand. Though you won't be the one responsible for having them punished, that's what the courts and a jury if it came to that, is for. You would only be bringing to light what they let continue to happen to you and make O'Neil responsible for what he did. But, like I said to you the other day... We will stand behind you in whatever decision you decide.I just want you to know that from now on, 1 of us will be taking you to school and 1 of us will be driving you home. You don't have to ride the bus any more."
I thanked her and as I got up to walk away, she reached over and gave me the biggest and hardest hug I had ever felt. I returned the hug and went back into my room very glad that I no longer had to deal with O'Neil or the driver.
I had no idea how that decision would have effected me for a very long time.
The following morning, I called Vanessa early and asked her if she wanted to ride with me. Of course she said yes and we picked her up as my dad drove us to school. Throughout the rest of the year I had become closer friends with Amy and Leti. They were in a few of my classes with me and though Vanessa was still my best friend, I hardly saw her at school. Soon, the only times I really saw Vanessa was at lunch and the rides to and from school.
My weekends were filled with outings with Amy or Leti or even Angie from down the street. Amy belonged to a church youth group that planned activites for Friday and Saturday nights. Sometimes it was just a trip to the movies, sometimes it was a trip to teen dance clubs and I occasionally tagged along. One Friday night the group was going to the Down Town area. There, they had many clubs, bars, shops and some game rooms. Since we were obviously under age, we weren't allowe into the bars, but the rest of the small town we would always find adventure. There was even a haunted house there that was open year round. The youth group seperated into smaller groups and Amy and I went our own way with promises to meet everyone back in the middle of town by 10:30pm.
We had decided to start in one of the bigger buildings which was 4 stories, and work our way around. Looking in all the shops, going up to the game floor and even ducking into a teenage dance club for a few minutes. During the night, Amy and I had passed by 3 older guys many times. Each time we passed, they would try to flirt with us, try to get us to talk to them, but we would just giggle and keep walking.
By the end of the night one of the three guys finally approached Amy and struck up a conversation while I had ran to grab us some drinks. He introduced himself as Johnny and his friends were Tony and Eric. Tony quickly made it clear he was interested in Amy and while Johnny drilled Amy to get information about me. By the time I had returned, Amy had already given the guys our names and numbers.
Johnny was definately older than us (hell.. we were only 13). He stood about 5'10", hispanic with black wavy hair. Tony looked as though he could be a GQ model. He was taller than Johnny but with a firm muscular body and light brown eyes. You could tell by the way Johnny talked he was the alpha in his group and I found it flattering that he was interested in me. I wasn't old enough to offically start dating yet, so I was pretty nervous around him.
Before either of us had realized it, it was 10:45pm and we were VERY late to meet up with the group. I informed Amy that we had to leave right away and said our goodbyes to the guys. Johnny leaned in for a kiss, but I was startled and turned away, leaving him my cheek to kiss instead. Tony did the same to Amy, however she let him kiss her on the mouth. Shortly after we ran off to meet everyone else.
On the way home, Amy filled me in on the conversation she had with them while I was gone. I never even thought to ask any of them how old they were, but at some point Johnny told her. He said he was 19, Tony was 18 and Eric was 20. My mouth gapped open... he was 6 years older than me! No way would my parents go for that even if I was ALLOWED to date!! I would have to try to keep him a secret if he ever called me.
I didn't have to wait long to hear from him. Sunday night my phone rang and it was him. We had a great 30 min. conversation and made plans to meet back up in the same spot the following Friday night. As soon as I hung up with him, I called Amy. She had just gotten off the phone with Tony and we exchanged stories and made plans for the next weekend.
I had no idea how that decision, just like my other one, would have effected me for the rest of my life.
The following Sunday, my mom sat me down to ask me what my decision was. I knew she would be disappointed in what I had decided and I was a little nervous telling her. Even though she told me before that her and my dad would be supportive in either decision, I knew what she wanted me to do.
"Mom... I don't want to do it. I just want to forget this all happened. I don't want everyone to know what has been going on. I just want to be a KID. A kid without all this... this.. CRAP!"
She sat there quietly before responding, "I understand, J and I'm not going to talk you into doing anything you don't want to do. BUT! Just think about this.. do you think it's right that they get away with this? Any of them?"
"NO! Of course not! But Mom! I don't want to be the kid that's responsible for having them punished. I'm just a kid! I don't want that responsibility!"
"I understand. Though you won't be the one responsible for having them punished, that's what the courts and a jury if it came to that, is for. You would only be bringing to light what they let continue to happen to you and make O'Neil responsible for what he did. But, like I said to you the other day... We will stand behind you in whatever decision you decide.I just want you to know that from now on, 1 of us will be taking you to school and 1 of us will be driving you home. You don't have to ride the bus any more."
I thanked her and as I got up to walk away, she reached over and gave me the biggest and hardest hug I had ever felt. I returned the hug and went back into my room very glad that I no longer had to deal with O'Neil or the driver.
I had no idea how that decision would have effected me for a very long time.
The following morning, I called Vanessa early and asked her if she wanted to ride with me. Of course she said yes and we picked her up as my dad drove us to school. Throughout the rest of the year I had become closer friends with Amy and Leti. They were in a few of my classes with me and though Vanessa was still my best friend, I hardly saw her at school. Soon, the only times I really saw Vanessa was at lunch and the rides to and from school.
My weekends were filled with outings with Amy or Leti or even Angie from down the street. Amy belonged to a church youth group that planned activites for Friday and Saturday nights. Sometimes it was just a trip to the movies, sometimes it was a trip to teen dance clubs and I occasionally tagged along. One Friday night the group was going to the Down Town area. There, they had many clubs, bars, shops and some game rooms. Since we were obviously under age, we weren't allowe into the bars, but the rest of the small town we would always find adventure. There was even a haunted house there that was open year round. The youth group seperated into smaller groups and Amy and I went our own way with promises to meet everyone back in the middle of town by 10:30pm.
We had decided to start in one of the bigger buildings which was 4 stories, and work our way around. Looking in all the shops, going up to the game floor and even ducking into a teenage dance club for a few minutes. During the night, Amy and I had passed by 3 older guys many times. Each time we passed, they would try to flirt with us, try to get us to talk to them, but we would just giggle and keep walking.
By the end of the night one of the three guys finally approached Amy and struck up a conversation while I had ran to grab us some drinks. He introduced himself as Johnny and his friends were Tony and Eric. Tony quickly made it clear he was interested in Amy and while Johnny drilled Amy to get information about me. By the time I had returned, Amy had already given the guys our names and numbers.
Johnny was definately older than us (hell.. we were only 13). He stood about 5'10", hispanic with black wavy hair. Tony looked as though he could be a GQ model. He was taller than Johnny but with a firm muscular body and light brown eyes. You could tell by the way Johnny talked he was the alpha in his group and I found it flattering that he was interested in me. I wasn't old enough to offically start dating yet, so I was pretty nervous around him.
Before either of us had realized it, it was 10:45pm and we were VERY late to meet up with the group. I informed Amy that we had to leave right away and said our goodbyes to the guys. Johnny leaned in for a kiss, but I was startled and turned away, leaving him my cheek to kiss instead. Tony did the same to Amy, however she let him kiss her on the mouth. Shortly after we ran off to meet everyone else.
On the way home, Amy filled me in on the conversation she had with them while I was gone. I never even thought to ask any of them how old they were, but at some point Johnny told her. He said he was 19, Tony was 18 and Eric was 20. My mouth gapped open... he was 6 years older than me! No way would my parents go for that even if I was ALLOWED to date!! I would have to try to keep him a secret if he ever called me.
I didn't have to wait long to hear from him. Sunday night my phone rang and it was him. We had a great 30 min. conversation and made plans to meet back up in the same spot the following Friday night. As soon as I hung up with him, I called Amy. She had just gotten off the phone with Tony and we exchanged stories and made plans for the next weekend.
I had no idea how that decision, just like my other one, would have effected me for the rest of my life.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Decisions, Decisions
By the time we arrived home I had calmed down but wanted to be left alone. My parents kept trying to get me to talk about what happened, but I was able to hold their questions off and retired to my room. I laid in bed thinking that maybe there WAS some truth in what the Dr. said. Especially if the VP basically said the same thing. Deciding to take a better look myself, I opened my closet and began going through my clothes. I sorted them into 2 piles. 1 pile was just 'hanging out' clothes, and the other was clothes that I wore to school.
Finally, once I had a huge pile of skirts and dresses that were in the 'school' pile, I began sifting through those separating them into different piles. Things I thought were too short or too fitting I threw into a pile and what was left I put back into my closet.
I stood back and noticed that once I separated them, there really weren't many skirts and dresses left. I gathered up the too short/too fitting items, got a trash bag from the kitchen and threw them all away. My mom stopped me while I was coming out of the garage and asked what I was doing.
"Mom,... I really don't want to talk about it. I just want to be left alone" passing her and making my way back into my bedroom
She followed, "J! Wait a minute! I want to talk to you!"
"MOM! Please!! I don't want to talk about it right now!"
"I'm sorry you don't want to talk about it right now, but you're going to anyway! Something had you really upset at the Dr's office today and I want to know what's going on!"
We were back in my bedroom and I blocked her from entering. "Mom.. please.." I pleaded, but it was no use. She wasn't going to leave.
"J, for the past year and a half you've being going through some things you didn't want to talk about and it only got worse! Now, I know it's probably embarrassing, but I want you to talk to me. Starting now. Starting with what happened at the office today and ending with what you were throwing away"
I paused, wondering if it was worth arguing over, since I knew I was going to lose the battle anyway... might as well stop fighting it and just tell her what she wanted to know.
I stepped away from the door making way for her to enter completely as I took a seat on my bed. She sat down next to me, put her arm around me and I knew it was my que to start explaining. I told her about all of my sessions, how I thought things were going O.K. until that day. I told her about the comments the Dr. made, how they closely resembled what the VP had said and I eventually told her about me purging my closet. Throwing away any and all skirts. She let me talk without interruption at full length. When I was finally done, I just hung my head and held my breath. It wasn't that I was afraid of her, I was just ashamed.
"J. First, let me say that no matter what ANYONE says, it wasn't your fault. No matter what you wore or didn't wear, his actions are not excusable. There is no fault to be had, except for him. HE did this! You didn't! Even if you were to go to school EVERY SINGLE DAY completely naked, he still had NO right to do what he did. And for the VP and the bus driver, well.. I wanted to talk to you about that. Your Father and I have talked and we know what we want to do, however, you are the victim here. You are the one that will have to continue going to this school when everything is all said and done. So, how we proceed is your decision."
"What do you mean it's my decision? What's my decision"
"Well.. we want to go after both of them for putting you in danger, for allowing it to continue even though you complained. For the bus driver who obviously knew what was going on and did nothing to help... actually, he did just the opposite. For him kicking you and Vanessa off the bus though it wasn't your stop. For all the things that happened to you. We want to press charges on O'Neil. He's 16, he's too old to be in 7th grade. There are so many things that went wrong and we're leaving it up to you how you want to handle it. Do YOU want to go after them? Press charges, all of that?"
"Well.. what's my other option?"
"To just let it go and not press charges. You should know by now what WE want to do, but... it's up to you. I know this will be a very difficult decision, but you need to make the one that is best for you. I can't promise your life at school will be O.K. if we go after the VP, the bus driver and O'Neil. But I can promise you that we will be behind you no matter what you decide."
"Can I think about it?"
"Sure, just don't take too long. If we are going to do something about this.. we can't wait very long" With that, she stood up and walked to the door and looked back "Oh and get those clothes out of the trash and back into your closet. I spent good money on those clothes and there's nothing wrong with them. Don't stop wearing them because of what others say, only stop wearing them when YOU want to. I personally picked them all out and I know they aren't considered provocative or slutty or whatever else. I would never let you walk out of this house looking like a tramp and you should know that."
"K, Mom and thanks."
She turned and shut my door behind her. I had a lot of thinking to do and a short amount of time to do it in.
Finally, once I had a huge pile of skirts and dresses that were in the 'school' pile, I began sifting through those separating them into different piles. Things I thought were too short or too fitting I threw into a pile and what was left I put back into my closet.
I stood back and noticed that once I separated them, there really weren't many skirts and dresses left. I gathered up the too short/too fitting items, got a trash bag from the kitchen and threw them all away. My mom stopped me while I was coming out of the garage and asked what I was doing.
"Mom,... I really don't want to talk about it. I just want to be left alone" passing her and making my way back into my bedroom
She followed, "J! Wait a minute! I want to talk to you!"
"MOM! Please!! I don't want to talk about it right now!"
"I'm sorry you don't want to talk about it right now, but you're going to anyway! Something had you really upset at the Dr's office today and I want to know what's going on!"
We were back in my bedroom and I blocked her from entering. "Mom.. please.." I pleaded, but it was no use. She wasn't going to leave.
"J, for the past year and a half you've being going through some things you didn't want to talk about and it only got worse! Now, I know it's probably embarrassing, but I want you to talk to me. Starting now. Starting with what happened at the office today and ending with what you were throwing away"
I paused, wondering if it was worth arguing over, since I knew I was going to lose the battle anyway... might as well stop fighting it and just tell her what she wanted to know.
I stepped away from the door making way for her to enter completely as I took a seat on my bed. She sat down next to me, put her arm around me and I knew it was my que to start explaining. I told her about all of my sessions, how I thought things were going O.K. until that day. I told her about the comments the Dr. made, how they closely resembled what the VP had said and I eventually told her about me purging my closet. Throwing away any and all skirts. She let me talk without interruption at full length. When I was finally done, I just hung my head and held my breath. It wasn't that I was afraid of her, I was just ashamed.
"J. First, let me say that no matter what ANYONE says, it wasn't your fault. No matter what you wore or didn't wear, his actions are not excusable. There is no fault to be had, except for him. HE did this! You didn't! Even if you were to go to school EVERY SINGLE DAY completely naked, he still had NO right to do what he did. And for the VP and the bus driver, well.. I wanted to talk to you about that. Your Father and I have talked and we know what we want to do, however, you are the victim here. You are the one that will have to continue going to this school when everything is all said and done. So, how we proceed is your decision."
"What do you mean it's my decision? What's my decision"
"Well.. we want to go after both of them for putting you in danger, for allowing it to continue even though you complained. For the bus driver who obviously knew what was going on and did nothing to help... actually, he did just the opposite. For him kicking you and Vanessa off the bus though it wasn't your stop. For all the things that happened to you. We want to press charges on O'Neil. He's 16, he's too old to be in 7th grade. There are so many things that went wrong and we're leaving it up to you how you want to handle it. Do YOU want to go after them? Press charges, all of that?"
"Well.. what's my other option?"
"To just let it go and not press charges. You should know by now what WE want to do, but... it's up to you. I know this will be a very difficult decision, but you need to make the one that is best for you. I can't promise your life at school will be O.K. if we go after the VP, the bus driver and O'Neil. But I can promise you that we will be behind you no matter what you decide."
"Can I think about it?"
"Sure, just don't take too long. If we are going to do something about this.. we can't wait very long" With that, she stood up and walked to the door and looked back "Oh and get those clothes out of the trash and back into your closet. I spent good money on those clothes and there's nothing wrong with them. Don't stop wearing them because of what others say, only stop wearing them when YOU want to. I personally picked them all out and I know they aren't considered provocative or slutty or whatever else. I would never let you walk out of this house looking like a tramp and you should know that."
"K, Mom and thanks."
She turned and shut my door behind her. I had a lot of thinking to do and a short amount of time to do it in.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Sessions
It was the day of my 1st appointment with the shrink. I was really nervous all day at school and the day seemed to fly by though I wished it hadn't. My dad picked me up when school let out and we only had about 30 minutes to rush to the appointment. We arrived in plenty of time at the office and I reluctantly got out of the car. I couldn't understand why I felt the way I did. She was supposed to help me.. so why was I acting like this was my last walk before I was about to be executed?
We entered her office and she appeared shortly from another room and introduced herself with her hand out stretched; "Hi! I'm Dr. Juanita Garcia. Are you J?". Dr. Garcia was a short round women with dark skin and long black hair. She looked to be in her late 40's or more with glasses sliding down her nose and a pleasant face.
"Yes" I replied as I shook her hand.
"It's very nice to meet you." She turned to my dad, "You must be J's dad. Nice you meet you, too"
They exchanged pleasantries while I glanced around the waiting room at all the awards and diploma's on the walls. She must be pretty good if she's received all these...
As she finished talking with my dad, she asked me to follow her into her inner office to begin our session. After a quick glance to my dad, seeing his reassuring smile, I followed. There was a brown leather couch on one wall and a desk on the other. She sat in the desk chair and motioned me to sit on the couch. I thought to my self... how cliche.. a couch. I sat stiffly on the far side, crossed my ankles and folded my hands in my lap. I didn't know what to expect or how these things really worked.
"So, J. Is there anything you want to talk about today?"
"Umm.. no"
"O.K. well.. why don't we start off by you just telling me about yourself? What things do you like? What things do you hate? What things makes you happy or mad or sad?"
I took a deep breath before I began. I felt like I was taking a damn dating survey or something. I stumbled over my words in the beginning but eventually it became easier to talk to her. Before I knew it, our hour was up and we agreed that I would come back in a week to talk some more.
Three weeks and three sessions later we still hadn't approached the real reason why I was there. She was gently easing me into the topic and I appreciated that greatly. The forth session she finally brought up the sensitive topic. Though I felt I had made some sort of connection with her, I still cringed a little when she started talking about it.
As I left her office that day, I felt a little better about the subject. We really didn't talk much about it, we'd dip into it for a few minutes then she'd switch topics to something else and come back to it later. I didn't feel overwhelmed about it like I expected it to.
Week five came and I just had this feeling she was going to be a little more aggressive with her questions.. and I was right. As soon as I sat down on the couch and after she asked me how I was doing, she went right into questions.
"When did it start?" "Did I ever say no?" "How did I act towards him?" "Did I tell anyone?" "What happened when I told"
I tried to answer her questions as best as I could. Occasionally I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as I spoke but I tried my best to push them away. I didn't want to cry. Crying was a sign of weakness and I wasn't weak. I wasn't going to let O'Neil keep making me a victim over and over. I was strong and I was going to over come this.
She continued to ask me questions that too closely resembled the questions the VP asked me. For instance, did I feel that there was anything I thought I did, didn't do, or wore that maybe influenced his actions? The session ended and I left with a tightness in my chest and the remnants of tears on my cheek. This appointment had been the most stressful so far and I didn't like it, but agreed to see her again the following week.
Week six started the same as week five did; hit with question after question. It wasn't even 20 minutes into the session and I was bawling like a baby. I'm sure I was being overly sensitive, but I felt like I again was being blamed for what happened. Just like I felt the VP blamed me. She inquired if what I was currently wearing was the norm for me. I had on a skirt that fit snuggly, but not in a slutty way, that was above my knees and a v-neck shirt and flip-flops. I never dressed slutty, my parents barely allowed me to even WEAR short skirts above my knee. I informed her it was, and she asked if I had ever thought that what I wore around him maybe some how send him the wrong message.
I couldn't believe it!! Another person was insinuating that it was my fault because of what I was wearing!! Maybe it WAS true!??! But, in my mind I kept thinking.. it didn't matter WHAT I wore he had no right! It didn't matter if I was standing there completely naked, he still had no right to touch me without my permission and that NO MEANT NO, no matter what!
Another 10 minutes was all I could take and I fled the office. My dad was still seated in the waiting room, my mom had shown up and was sitting beside him, and I ran to both of them throwing my arms around my mom. I sobbed into her shoulder as they both tried to get me to tell them what happened. I didn't want to talk to either of them at that time, I just wanted to leave. The Dr. followed me out, trying to get me to talk to her. Trying to get me to come back into her office, but I wouldn't go. I wanted to be as far away from her as possible. Without asking any more questions, they gathered up our belongings and we headed for the door leaving the Dr. still standing in her waiting room.
We entered her office and she appeared shortly from another room and introduced herself with her hand out stretched; "Hi! I'm Dr. Juanita Garcia. Are you J?". Dr. Garcia was a short round women with dark skin and long black hair. She looked to be in her late 40's or more with glasses sliding down her nose and a pleasant face.
"Yes" I replied as I shook her hand.
"It's very nice to meet you." She turned to my dad, "You must be J's dad. Nice you meet you, too"
They exchanged pleasantries while I glanced around the waiting room at all the awards and diploma's on the walls. She must be pretty good if she's received all these...
As she finished talking with my dad, she asked me to follow her into her inner office to begin our session. After a quick glance to my dad, seeing his reassuring smile, I followed. There was a brown leather couch on one wall and a desk on the other. She sat in the desk chair and motioned me to sit on the couch. I thought to my self... how cliche.. a couch. I sat stiffly on the far side, crossed my ankles and folded my hands in my lap. I didn't know what to expect or how these things really worked.
"So, J. Is there anything you want to talk about today?"
"Umm.. no"
"O.K. well.. why don't we start off by you just telling me about yourself? What things do you like? What things do you hate? What things makes you happy or mad or sad?"
I took a deep breath before I began. I felt like I was taking a damn dating survey or something. I stumbled over my words in the beginning but eventually it became easier to talk to her. Before I knew it, our hour was up and we agreed that I would come back in a week to talk some more.
Three weeks and three sessions later we still hadn't approached the real reason why I was there. She was gently easing me into the topic and I appreciated that greatly. The forth session she finally brought up the sensitive topic. Though I felt I had made some sort of connection with her, I still cringed a little when she started talking about it.
As I left her office that day, I felt a little better about the subject. We really didn't talk much about it, we'd dip into it for a few minutes then she'd switch topics to something else and come back to it later. I didn't feel overwhelmed about it like I expected it to.
Week five came and I just had this feeling she was going to be a little more aggressive with her questions.. and I was right. As soon as I sat down on the couch and after she asked me how I was doing, she went right into questions.
"When did it start?" "Did I ever say no?" "How did I act towards him?" "Did I tell anyone?" "What happened when I told"
I tried to answer her questions as best as I could. Occasionally I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as I spoke but I tried my best to push them away. I didn't want to cry. Crying was a sign of weakness and I wasn't weak. I wasn't going to let O'Neil keep making me a victim over and over. I was strong and I was going to over come this.
She continued to ask me questions that too closely resembled the questions the VP asked me. For instance, did I feel that there was anything I thought I did, didn't do, or wore that maybe influenced his actions? The session ended and I left with a tightness in my chest and the remnants of tears on my cheek. This appointment had been the most stressful so far and I didn't like it, but agreed to see her again the following week.
Week six started the same as week five did; hit with question after question. It wasn't even 20 minutes into the session and I was bawling like a baby. I'm sure I was being overly sensitive, but I felt like I again was being blamed for what happened. Just like I felt the VP blamed me. She inquired if what I was currently wearing was the norm for me. I had on a skirt that fit snuggly, but not in a slutty way, that was above my knees and a v-neck shirt and flip-flops. I never dressed slutty, my parents barely allowed me to even WEAR short skirts above my knee. I informed her it was, and she asked if I had ever thought that what I wore around him maybe some how send him the wrong message.
I couldn't believe it!! Another person was insinuating that it was my fault because of what I was wearing!! Maybe it WAS true!??! But, in my mind I kept thinking.. it didn't matter WHAT I wore he had no right! It didn't matter if I was standing there completely naked, he still had no right to touch me without my permission and that NO MEANT NO, no matter what!
Another 10 minutes was all I could take and I fled the office. My dad was still seated in the waiting room, my mom had shown up and was sitting beside him, and I ran to both of them throwing my arms around my mom. I sobbed into her shoulder as they both tried to get me to tell them what happened. I didn't want to talk to either of them at that time, I just wanted to leave. The Dr. followed me out, trying to get me to talk to her. Trying to get me to come back into her office, but I wouldn't go. I wanted to be as far away from her as possible. Without asking any more questions, they gathered up our belongings and we headed for the door leaving the Dr. still standing in her waiting room.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Breaking it to Mom
**Sorry this is so late guys. I was being a MAJOR procrastinator this week.** :)
While we all waited for my mom to get home, things around the house were the same as usual; laying in front of the T.V. contemplating what we were having for dinner. Just before 5pm the phone rang and it was my mom letting us know she was on her way home. You could feel the tension rise in the air again as we all waited for her to arrive.
Within a half an hour the garage door began to open and my dad went out to meet her in the garage. They made idle chat while coming into the house and I tried to act nonchalant about her being home.
"Hey J"
"Hey mom. How was your day"
"Mine was O.K., but more importantly.. how was yours?"
"Fine" was all I could muster up at the moment. I didn't know when or how the subject was going to come up, but I knew it was and soon.
"Where's your brother and has anyone decided what we're going to do for dinner?"
"He's in his room and I was just saying to Dad that I was in the mood for pizza"
"Sounds fine to me, someone order it" and with that, she headed towards her room to change. My dad gave me a quick glance and followed behind her.
I headed over to the phone to order the pizza, but not before I went to tell my brother that mom was home and to expect the conversation any time.
"I'll just stay in here until she calls for me or the pizza gets here.. whatever comes first" He said without looking from the T.V. I nodded my head and closed the door behind me.
Ordering the pizza didn't take as long as I had hoped. I was really dreading the upcoming conversation about today's activities. As I hung up the phone I heard coming from the other side of the house, coming from my parent's bedroom..
"WHAT!" It was my mother and I knew then that my dad had started the conversation. I stayed seated at the desk in the family room not wanting to venture out and come face to face with my mother at that time. I heard their bedroom door fling open and she was calling for my brother. Using his FULL name. I knew then he was in deep shit. I ran from the family room through the dining room then the kitchen and got to the living room just as my mom was passing headed towards my brother's room.
"Mom" I wanted her attention. I wanted to talk to her before she talked to my brother. I wanted to tell her it wasn't his fault. O.K., yea.. they shouldn't have tried to attack O'Neil the way the did, but still.. the rest of the day wasn't his fault exactly. The shootings DEFINITELY weren't his fault anyway.
However, she kept walking. "MOM!! Please!! Just listen to me for a second!! I want to tell you what happened!"
"I want to hear it from your brother!" turning away from me, she called for him again. He slowly opened his bedroom door and stood in the doorway, not knowing what to expect. "Come out here. I want to talk to you!"
We all gathered around the table, just like my brother and I had with my dad just a few hours ago. "So, tell me what happened and don't leave out a THING!"
My brother began the story from when he received her phone call just after he got home from school leading up to when my dad came home. Of course.. thankfully, he left out the part about me smoking. Guess he didn't want to be in even MORE hot water than he already was. Throughout our conversation, the pizza had arrived and we started eating with the only interruption being my mom going out to look at his car. To every one's surprise she wasn't all that upset after she heard the entire story. At least, she wasn't all that mad at me or my brother anyway.
As we cleaned up our dishes from dinner, my brother had gone back into his room and my dad revisited the topic of me seeing a shrink. Though I had earlier agreed to go see someone, the thought of spilling my guts was starting to make me nervous.
Would it be easier to talk to someone about this that I don't know? Will they really be able to help? Do I really NEED the help? Can't I just forget all this happened???
I guess I was soon going to find out. The next day my dad made me an appointment with a local psychologist, my first appointment was 2 days away.
While we all waited for my mom to get home, things around the house were the same as usual; laying in front of the T.V. contemplating what we were having for dinner. Just before 5pm the phone rang and it was my mom letting us know she was on her way home. You could feel the tension rise in the air again as we all waited for her to arrive.
Within a half an hour the garage door began to open and my dad went out to meet her in the garage. They made idle chat while coming into the house and I tried to act nonchalant about her being home.
"Hey J"
"Hey mom. How was your day"
"Mine was O.K., but more importantly.. how was yours?"
"Fine" was all I could muster up at the moment. I didn't know when or how the subject was going to come up, but I knew it was and soon.
"Where's your brother and has anyone decided what we're going to do for dinner?"
"He's in his room and I was just saying to Dad that I was in the mood for pizza"
"Sounds fine to me, someone order it" and with that, she headed towards her room to change. My dad gave me a quick glance and followed behind her.
I headed over to the phone to order the pizza, but not before I went to tell my brother that mom was home and to expect the conversation any time.
"I'll just stay in here until she calls for me or the pizza gets here.. whatever comes first" He said without looking from the T.V. I nodded my head and closed the door behind me.
Ordering the pizza didn't take as long as I had hoped. I was really dreading the upcoming conversation about today's activities. As I hung up the phone I heard coming from the other side of the house, coming from my parent's bedroom..
"WHAT!" It was my mother and I knew then that my dad had started the conversation. I stayed seated at the desk in the family room not wanting to venture out and come face to face with my mother at that time. I heard their bedroom door fling open and she was calling for my brother. Using his FULL name. I knew then he was in deep shit. I ran from the family room through the dining room then the kitchen and got to the living room just as my mom was passing headed towards my brother's room.
"Mom" I wanted her attention. I wanted to talk to her before she talked to my brother. I wanted to tell her it wasn't his fault. O.K., yea.. they shouldn't have tried to attack O'Neil the way the did, but still.. the rest of the day wasn't his fault exactly. The shootings DEFINITELY weren't his fault anyway.
However, she kept walking. "MOM!! Please!! Just listen to me for a second!! I want to tell you what happened!"
"I want to hear it from your brother!" turning away from me, she called for him again. He slowly opened his bedroom door and stood in the doorway, not knowing what to expect. "Come out here. I want to talk to you!"
We all gathered around the table, just like my brother and I had with my dad just a few hours ago. "So, tell me what happened and don't leave out a THING!"
My brother began the story from when he received her phone call just after he got home from school leading up to when my dad came home. Of course.. thankfully, he left out the part about me smoking. Guess he didn't want to be in even MORE hot water than he already was. Throughout our conversation, the pizza had arrived and we started eating with the only interruption being my mom going out to look at his car. To every one's surprise she wasn't all that upset after she heard the entire story. At least, she wasn't all that mad at me or my brother anyway.
As we cleaned up our dishes from dinner, my brother had gone back into his room and my dad revisited the topic of me seeing a shrink. Though I had earlier agreed to go see someone, the thought of spilling my guts was starting to make me nervous.
Would it be easier to talk to someone about this that I don't know? Will they really be able to help? Do I really NEED the help? Can't I just forget all this happened???
I guess I was soon going to find out. The next day my dad made me an appointment with a local psychologist, my first appointment was 2 days away.
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