The days turned into weeks as weeks turned into months and I fell into a routine with O'Neil. I pretty much knew how every morning and afternoon would go. In the mornings, he'd bother me from the minute he got on the bus. No one dared to try to sit with me anymore, afraid of what he'd do to them.
The afternoons, he would ignore me for the most part until the buses started moving then he would bother me. I learned to just go with whatever and not make a big deal about it. I knew what would happen if I pissed him off or embarrassed him in front of his friends. I would acknowledge him only when he asked me a direct question, otherwise, I'd try to keep to myself.
It was almost Christmas break time again and I was looking forward to it. Another Christmas and birthday with my family, and especially, 2 weeks away from him!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Christmas time came and went way too fast. Before I knew it, it was time to start school again. I dreaded going back, really, I just dreaded the bus rides. I was making new friends since Vanessa and I only had 1 class together. Amy and Leti had a few classes with me and we quickly became close. Amy was an 'Opps' child, her other siblings more than 10 years older than her, so her parents were older and gave her a lot of freedom. Leti, however, was the polar opposite. Her mom was a single Mother of 2 (Leti and her older brother) and worked a lot leaving Leti responsible for a lot of the things around the house. She didn't have a lot of free time, so we hardly hung out outside of school. We had made plans to get together for my birthday after school resumed since they both were unable to hang out on my actual birth day. Knowing we were going to be doing something fun that Friday night, I was keeping that in my mind to get me through the week.
That morning, I dressed in my new outfit. A skirt and a v-neck sweater. While it doesn't get really cold here in the Winter, it is a little chilly in the mornings so I thought it would be a great time to wear it. The morning's bus ride went just like any other day with the exception that O'Neil asked me what I got, if I missed him while we were apart, if I got him anything, etc. Of course, I didn't get him anything, and I used the excuse that I didn't have any money to.
That afternoon, I boarded the bus with the anticipation that the day would play out like so many other days had in the past. When I boarded, I saw O'Neil and automatically went to sit with him; no reason to keep fighting a losing battle, right? Uncharacteristically, he started talking to me right away. I would answer more in a mumble or grunt rather than words.
"Oh.. I forgot to tell you this morning.. I got you something" He said with a strange smile forming on his lips
"mmmm" I responded, trying to act like I was reading a book.
"You wanna see it now? Or wait til we start moving?"
"I don't care" I mumbled into my book
"I'll wait til we start moving" he smirked
Minutes later, the bus started its rocking and we began our ride home. I noticed the bus driver kept looking in his mounted mirror, glancing back towards us but I couldn't figure out why. My thoughts were interrupted by a hand placed on my knee. I looked down and saw that it was O'Neil's. Who's else would it have been, stupid? I thought to myself. I stared at the hand not knowing how I should respond. Should I push him away and risk getting hit or leave it alone? I decided to leave it be, I really wasn't in the mood to be hit. Plus, I was running out of excuses to tell my family why I was always red or bruised.
He hand slowing edged it's way up my thigh and in between my legs. I reached down and put my hand on top of his, urging him to stop. He leaned towards me and whispered, "What have I told you about telling me no?". Though it was a whisper, I could feel the anger rising in his words, so I didn't push his hand away any more. His hand continued to edge higher and higher until I could feel his fingers tracing the hem of my underwear. My body was reacting accordingly despite my mind fighting it. I hated my body. The physical part of me was enjoying the touch, but the rest of me wanted to cry, push him away and throw up.
"Damn, you're so hot down there" he groaned in my ear
"Please.. don't..." I begged
"I bet you're getting wet, aren't you?" He ignored my pleas
I hated my body more and more each second. Why was it enjoying this? Why can't my mind over ride the hormones????
He pushed the hem of my underwear aside and I could feel the flesh of his fingers against my virgin skin. I slammed my eyes shut, hoping this was all a dream. A horrible dream and I'd wake up soon.
"Shit! You're making me so hard. I want to fuck you so bad. That's going to be your gift" I whimpered at the sound of his voice. I could smell the sweat coming from his body and I resisted throwing up once again. I opened my eyes, I wanted to see if anyone was watching. Thankfully, no one was paying attention and since I was sitting near the window and he had turned sideways to face me, no one could really see what was going on anyway. I looked around, then towards the bus driver with pleading eyes. He met my gaze and gave me a crooked evil smile. I couldn't believe me eyes!! Was the bus driver in on it too?
O'Neil's fingers explored my body under my panties and my body responded again. A new sensation was washing over me and I had no idea what it was. A part of me was still enjoying it, no matter how much I tried to fight it. He spread my lips with his fingers and found my clit. I couldn't help but gasp. Now I was sweating uncontrollably. I reached down and grabbed his hand, I had to make him stop whether my body enjoyed it or not, I hated him touching me. I felt dirty and ashamed. When I did, his other hand came out of nowhere and grabbed me by the hair.
"Haven't you learned your lesson?? DON'T STOP ME!" he roared
"Stop it! Stop touching me! I don't like it!"
"Yea.. well.. your body isn't saying that"
"I don't care what my body says, I say no!"
He let go of my hair and slapped me. The tears welled up in my eyes instantly. Not just because it stung, but because I was embarressed. I looked around, but still, no one paid us any attention except the bus driver. He still had that stupid evil smile on his face. O'Neil followed my gaze and stopped at the driver. They exchanged nods and the driver laughed "Go Neil!!" he said.
Thankfully, my stop was near and I stood up, pushing his hands out of my panties in the process. O'Neil glared at me, "We'll continue this tomorrow" he sneered as I left the bus.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Here we go again..
I finally got my footing and was able to walk the rest of the way to the seat O'Neil wanted to share. The bus ride began like it had so many times before. First, he would ignore me to talk to his friends and family, which I was thankful for, but as soon as the bus started moving he would turn his attention back towards me.
"How was your summer, bitch" He asked while he friends laughed at his vulgarity.
"Fine" I mumbled
"Aren't you even going to ask how mine was??"
"Oh... umm.. how was yours?" I asked, thinking if I kept him talking, he wouln't think about doing anything else to me.
"I thought about you the whole time! Did you cheat on me over the summer?!!!"
What?? Cheat on you?? Whatever fuck head... Is what I thought anyway, instead said nothing just kept staring at my shoes.
"Answer me when I talk to you!!!" He roared
"Nnnn..nnooo.. I didn't" I studdered
"That's a good bitch" He laughed, as his friends joined in.
Someone called his name and for the duration of the ride he was occupied with talking with them. The bus was pulling up to my stop so I stood to exit the seat.
"What? No goodbye kiss?"
I just froze. I didn't know what to do. I didn't turn to face him, but stood as I was with my side towards him. He grabbed my arm to swivel me around.
"Give me a kiss goodbye!" he demanded but I still didn't move.
"Seems like you're gonna have to just take it, man." His cousin said.
And with that, he pulled me to him and forced his tongue in my mouth. His hands moved up my legs exploring. I knew what he was trying to do, the same thing he did last time, so I pushed him away.
"Don't push me, bitch! I'll do what I want to you!" and with that, I felt the all too familiar sting on my face where his hand just was.
He had slapped me hard enough to push me back a few steps so I took advantage and ran off the bus. Vanessa was waiting for me on the sidewalk and the look on her face told me she saw everything.
"Are you O.K.?"
"Yea.. it just stings a little"
"I hate that asshole! I wish he would die!!"
"You and me both, Vanessa. More than you'll ever know..." I trailed off
She made idle chat while we walked to her house but once there, I didn't want to stay. Instead, I went home, I wanted to sit in my room by myself. I was surprised that my brother was home, normally he went to work after school.
"Hey" he acknowledge me as I walked in, without looking up from the T.V.
"Hey..what are you doin' home?" I muddered and walked across the room towards my bedroom.
"Oh I'm off tonight."
"Oh, O.K."
"Hey, J? Why's your face so red?"
"Oh! Umm.. I.. uhh, just bumped it getting off the bus"
"Ohh hahahahahhaha.. you're just as clumsy as Mom"
"Yea.. I guess" I said, the closed my door.
I threw my bag on the floor and laid across my bed. I hated school. No, I hated the bus ride. I liked school for the most part. But I still missed Carl. Things never progressed with us, I would never talk to him and I couldn't figure out why! I made a mental note that I would talk to him and try to reconnect our friendship, but I knew I really wouldn't. Laying there, I thought back to the summer and at least that put a smile on my face. I knew the bus situation was really getting to me because I would hardly talk to my parents anymore, I wasn't the happy kid I used to be, but I didn't know what to do! I couldn't imaging telling my parents, because I knew they would FLIP! And I didn't want any more issues at school. Their only other option would be to send me to a private school, which I definately didn't want either. But I HAD to figure out soemthing. I couldn't keep living like this.
Lost in my own thoughts, I drifted off to sleep.
"How was your summer, bitch" He asked while he friends laughed at his vulgarity.
"Fine" I mumbled
"Aren't you even going to ask how mine was??"
"Oh... umm.. how was yours?" I asked, thinking if I kept him talking, he wouln't think about doing anything else to me.
"I thought about you the whole time! Did you cheat on me over the summer?!!!"
What?? Cheat on you?? Whatever fuck head... Is what I thought anyway, instead said nothing just kept staring at my shoes.
"Answer me when I talk to you!!!" He roared
"Nnnn..nnooo.. I didn't" I studdered
"That's a good bitch" He laughed, as his friends joined in.
Someone called his name and for the duration of the ride he was occupied with talking with them. The bus was pulling up to my stop so I stood to exit the seat.
"What? No goodbye kiss?"
I just froze. I didn't know what to do. I didn't turn to face him, but stood as I was with my side towards him. He grabbed my arm to swivel me around.
"Give me a kiss goodbye!" he demanded but I still didn't move.
"Seems like you're gonna have to just take it, man." His cousin said.
And with that, he pulled me to him and forced his tongue in my mouth. His hands moved up my legs exploring. I knew what he was trying to do, the same thing he did last time, so I pushed him away.
"Don't push me, bitch! I'll do what I want to you!" and with that, I felt the all too familiar sting on my face where his hand just was.
He had slapped me hard enough to push me back a few steps so I took advantage and ran off the bus. Vanessa was waiting for me on the sidewalk and the look on her face told me she saw everything.
"Are you O.K.?"
"Yea.. it just stings a little"
"I hate that asshole! I wish he would die!!"
"You and me both, Vanessa. More than you'll ever know..." I trailed off
She made idle chat while we walked to her house but once there, I didn't want to stay. Instead, I went home, I wanted to sit in my room by myself. I was surprised that my brother was home, normally he went to work after school.
"Hey" he acknowledge me as I walked in, without looking up from the T.V.
"Hey..what are you doin' home?" I muddered and walked across the room towards my bedroom.
"Oh I'm off tonight."
"Oh, O.K."
"Hey, J? Why's your face so red?"
"Oh! Umm.. I.. uhh, just bumped it getting off the bus"
"Ohh hahahahahhaha.. you're just as clumsy as Mom"
"Yea.. I guess" I said, the closed my door.
I threw my bag on the floor and laid across my bed. I hated school. No, I hated the bus ride. I liked school for the most part. But I still missed Carl. Things never progressed with us, I would never talk to him and I couldn't figure out why! I made a mental note that I would talk to him and try to reconnect our friendship, but I knew I really wouldn't. Laying there, I thought back to the summer and at least that put a smile on my face. I knew the bus situation was really getting to me because I would hardly talk to my parents anymore, I wasn't the happy kid I used to be, but I didn't know what to do! I couldn't imaging telling my parents, because I knew they would FLIP! And I didn't want any more issues at school. Their only other option would be to send me to a private school, which I definately didn't want either. But I HAD to figure out soemthing. I couldn't keep living like this.
Lost in my own thoughts, I drifted off to sleep.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Like a bolt of Lightening
The summer seemed to fly by. Before I realized it, I was leaving the next day to go back home. While I missed my family greatly, I would miss my nights at the Hotel going on rounds with Slim, doing paperwork with my Grandma and taking a late night swim before I drifted off to sleep on the lobby couch.
The following morning I awoke to my Grandmother begging me to get out of bed. I was happy that we hadn't been at the hotel the night before because the hours were wrecking havoc on my sleep patterns and we had a long drive ahead of us. I grudgingly got out of bed and headed for the shower. I was stopped in the hallway by my Grandfather who informed me breakfast was ready and I'd have to shower afterwards.
I dragged myself into the kitchen just as my Grandmother was putting down a big plate of homemade buttermilk biscuits. No matter how groggy you were, the smell of those biscuits would perk you right up. After too many eggs, bacon and biscuits, I excused myself to shower and finish packing.
About an hour later, we were saying out goodbyes to my Grandfather as we put the last piece of luggage into my Grandmother's car. Normally my parents come back to pick me up, but this time, my Grandma decided she'd like to drive me back down and stay a few days. We were on the road shortly and I became sad as I watched the town speed past the passenger window. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to return to my life. I wanted to stay there and start new, but I knew I couldn't. I missed my parents badly and even though my brother and I fought, I missed him too. I also missed my dog, Pepper. I leaned back in the seat and closed my eyes while my Grandmother listened to some Church service on the radio. Even though I was brought up going to Church every Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night, vacation Bible School in the summers, and every Church function in between, I hated listening to it on the radio. Actually, as I sat there with my eyes closed, I realized I hated Church in general. I couldn't understand when that happened. I decided I'd think that over during the drive home since I had plenty of hours to do it.
A few hours later I realized we were getting off the highway and coming to a stop. I don't know when I feel asleep, but it was obvious I had. I was groggy and had no idea where we were. My Grandmother was getting out of the car at some run down gas station off the highway and I decided to take this time to stretch my legs and relieve my bladder. When I came back to the car, my Grandma was leaning next to it smoking a cigarette.
"I wondered when you'd wake up" she said as she flicked an ash onto the ground.
"How long have I been asleep? Where are we anyway?"
"We're over 1/2 way there. You slept almost the whole ride!" she laughed
Hmmmm, I thought. Either I've been asleep a really long time or my Grandma was driving like Richard Petty.
"You gettin' hungry, honey?" she asked as she stomped her cigarette butt into the ground.
"Yea.. a little. Did you want to stop and eat? Or just eat in the car and keep driving?"
"We'll stop. I think I saw a Waffle House on the other side of the highway. We'll eat there, then get back on the road"
We piled back into her car and found the Waffle House within minutes. About an hour later we were back in the car and heading home again. I settled back against the seat, determined to think about why I hated Church when she informed me I couldn't go back to sleep because she would need help finding my house. It had been a few years since she had come down and the scenery in my town changed frequently. I promised I wouldn't, if she'd change the station on the radio. We compromised on a "Golden Oldies" station and feel into a comfortable silence. I was able to return to my Church thoughts uninterrupted for a few more hours.
I tried to think back to when it was that I stopped enjoying going to Church Services. Since I was still young, I went to youth group while the adults stayed in the main hall for their service. It had always been fun; doing arts and crafts, singing, putting on plays. I decided to start at an earliest memory of Church and go forward. Taking time with each memory, as some were more entertaining than others. I finally realized that it had been about 9 months ago that my feelings had changed. But why? I wondered. What was different? What around me or in me changed that I started to pull away. Then it hit me like a bolt of lightening.
That was around the time O'Neil really started 'paying attention' to me. It was then that I realized that I blamed God for letting those things happen to me. Even when I tried to do the right thing, it never got any better. In my young feeble mind, I decided that God had given up on me, had turned his back on me and so, I was doing the same to him. Thinking about O'Neil and all the shit I had gone through made me even more mad, justifying my feelings about Church and God and everything else.
I was pulled from my inner turmoil by my Grandmother swearing..
"Shit, shit, shit!"
I looked at her, mouth gaped open. "Grandma! What's wrong!" I could probably count on one hand the amount of times I had ever heard her swear.
"I think I got off on the wrong exit and I have no idea where we are!"
Shit, Shit, Shit! Is right! I thought to myself. Fuck, if she doesn't know where we are, we're both screwed 'cus neither will I!
After some more swearing on her part, we finally realized we had somehow gotten onto the property of a Theme Park. Luckily, I knew how to get home from there since my parents would drag us here EVERY. SINGLE. WEEKEND! When we first moved down. A few minutes later I had navigated her back onto the correct highway and made sure I stayed alert to assist her in directions.
45 minutes later we were pulling into my subdivision and it felt like a huge weight had crashed down on me. I could see my house in the distance as we rounded a curve and I quickly was aware of how soon the school year was going to start. In two weeks, I would be starting 7th grade. I was excited in some ways, but still deathly afraid of the bus ride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The two weeks pasted quicker than I wanted and I had woken up dreading the day. It was the first day of school and I was thankful of my family's long standing tradition. My mom was driving me (and Vanessa) to school so I wouldn't have to deal with O'Neil until the end of the day. The section of school that had burned down had been completely rebuilt so finding our classes were going to be tricky. No one was familiar with the new layout but it didn't long to get acclimated. Surprisingly, the day went by quickly. Far too quickly for me. The closer it got to the end of 6th period, the more my stomach ached.
When the final bell rang, I went to my locker, deposited my books and slowly made my way to the bus. By the time I found the correct bus, it was already over 1/2 way full. I mounted the steps with a heavy sigh as the driver looked over at me.
"We missed you this morning" he said, laughing and looking in his giant mirror that allowed him to see the inside of the bus in it's entirety. Looking directly back to where O'Neil was sitting.
"Hmmm.." I grunted, acknowledging his comment that seemed to make the bus erupt in laughter. I had a feeling I was missing something, like an inside joke I wasn't privy to.
I quickly scanned the bus for an open seat, begging that there wasn't anything available near O'Neil. Much to my disapointment, O'Neil called to me, telling me 'my seat' was right beside him. I stood there for a moment, pondering my next move. I could easily just sit in the front since no one was there yet, but before I was able to make my decision O'Neil was coming down the isle.
"I SAID your seat is RIGHT THERE!" his voice raising as he pointed to where he was standing a second ago.
I still didn't move, but that didn't stop him from grabbing my arm and half dragging me down the isle. I tried to get my footing as I looked at the other students while I passed them. None of whom would make eye contact with me and it was then I realized I had no more allies.
I wondered how much worse this could get.
The following morning I awoke to my Grandmother begging me to get out of bed. I was happy that we hadn't been at the hotel the night before because the hours were wrecking havoc on my sleep patterns and we had a long drive ahead of us. I grudgingly got out of bed and headed for the shower. I was stopped in the hallway by my Grandfather who informed me breakfast was ready and I'd have to shower afterwards.
I dragged myself into the kitchen just as my Grandmother was putting down a big plate of homemade buttermilk biscuits. No matter how groggy you were, the smell of those biscuits would perk you right up. After too many eggs, bacon and biscuits, I excused myself to shower and finish packing.
About an hour later, we were saying out goodbyes to my Grandfather as we put the last piece of luggage into my Grandmother's car. Normally my parents come back to pick me up, but this time, my Grandma decided she'd like to drive me back down and stay a few days. We were on the road shortly and I became sad as I watched the town speed past the passenger window. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to return to my life. I wanted to stay there and start new, but I knew I couldn't. I missed my parents badly and even though my brother and I fought, I missed him too. I also missed my dog, Pepper. I leaned back in the seat and closed my eyes while my Grandmother listened to some Church service on the radio. Even though I was brought up going to Church every Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night, vacation Bible School in the summers, and every Church function in between, I hated listening to it on the radio. Actually, as I sat there with my eyes closed, I realized I hated Church in general. I couldn't understand when that happened. I decided I'd think that over during the drive home since I had plenty of hours to do it.
A few hours later I realized we were getting off the highway and coming to a stop. I don't know when I feel asleep, but it was obvious I had. I was groggy and had no idea where we were. My Grandmother was getting out of the car at some run down gas station off the highway and I decided to take this time to stretch my legs and relieve my bladder. When I came back to the car, my Grandma was leaning next to it smoking a cigarette.
"I wondered when you'd wake up" she said as she flicked an ash onto the ground.
"How long have I been asleep? Where are we anyway?"
"We're over 1/2 way there. You slept almost the whole ride!" she laughed
Hmmmm, I thought. Either I've been asleep a really long time or my Grandma was driving like Richard Petty.
"You gettin' hungry, honey?" she asked as she stomped her cigarette butt into the ground.
"Yea.. a little. Did you want to stop and eat? Or just eat in the car and keep driving?"
"We'll stop. I think I saw a Waffle House on the other side of the highway. We'll eat there, then get back on the road"
We piled back into her car and found the Waffle House within minutes. About an hour later we were back in the car and heading home again. I settled back against the seat, determined to think about why I hated Church when she informed me I couldn't go back to sleep because she would need help finding my house. It had been a few years since she had come down and the scenery in my town changed frequently. I promised I wouldn't, if she'd change the station on the radio. We compromised on a "Golden Oldies" station and feel into a comfortable silence. I was able to return to my Church thoughts uninterrupted for a few more hours.
I tried to think back to when it was that I stopped enjoying going to Church Services. Since I was still young, I went to youth group while the adults stayed in the main hall for their service. It had always been fun; doing arts and crafts, singing, putting on plays. I decided to start at an earliest memory of Church and go forward. Taking time with each memory, as some were more entertaining than others. I finally realized that it had been about 9 months ago that my feelings had changed. But why? I wondered. What was different? What around me or in me changed that I started to pull away. Then it hit me like a bolt of lightening.
That was around the time O'Neil really started 'paying attention' to me. It was then that I realized that I blamed God for letting those things happen to me. Even when I tried to do the right thing, it never got any better. In my young feeble mind, I decided that God had given up on me, had turned his back on me and so, I was doing the same to him. Thinking about O'Neil and all the shit I had gone through made me even more mad, justifying my feelings about Church and God and everything else.
I was pulled from my inner turmoil by my Grandmother swearing..
"Shit, shit, shit!"
I looked at her, mouth gaped open. "Grandma! What's wrong!" I could probably count on one hand the amount of times I had ever heard her swear.
"I think I got off on the wrong exit and I have no idea where we are!"
Shit, Shit, Shit! Is right! I thought to myself. Fuck, if she doesn't know where we are, we're both screwed 'cus neither will I!
After some more swearing on her part, we finally realized we had somehow gotten onto the property of a Theme Park. Luckily, I knew how to get home from there since my parents would drag us here EVERY. SINGLE. WEEKEND! When we first moved down. A few minutes later I had navigated her back onto the correct highway and made sure I stayed alert to assist her in directions.
45 minutes later we were pulling into my subdivision and it felt like a huge weight had crashed down on me. I could see my house in the distance as we rounded a curve and I quickly was aware of how soon the school year was going to start. In two weeks, I would be starting 7th grade. I was excited in some ways, but still deathly afraid of the bus ride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The two weeks pasted quicker than I wanted and I had woken up dreading the day. It was the first day of school and I was thankful of my family's long standing tradition. My mom was driving me (and Vanessa) to school so I wouldn't have to deal with O'Neil until the end of the day. The section of school that had burned down had been completely rebuilt so finding our classes were going to be tricky. No one was familiar with the new layout but it didn't long to get acclimated. Surprisingly, the day went by quickly. Far too quickly for me. The closer it got to the end of 6th period, the more my stomach ached.
When the final bell rang, I went to my locker, deposited my books and slowly made my way to the bus. By the time I found the correct bus, it was already over 1/2 way full. I mounted the steps with a heavy sigh as the driver looked over at me.
"We missed you this morning" he said, laughing and looking in his giant mirror that allowed him to see the inside of the bus in it's entirety. Looking directly back to where O'Neil was sitting.
"Hmmm.." I grunted, acknowledging his comment that seemed to make the bus erupt in laughter. I had a feeling I was missing something, like an inside joke I wasn't privy to.
I quickly scanned the bus for an open seat, begging that there wasn't anything available near O'Neil. Much to my disapointment, O'Neil called to me, telling me 'my seat' was right beside him. I stood there for a moment, pondering my next move. I could easily just sit in the front since no one was there yet, but before I was able to make my decision O'Neil was coming down the isle.
"I SAID your seat is RIGHT THERE!" his voice raising as he pointed to where he was standing a second ago.
I still didn't move, but that didn't stop him from grabbing my arm and half dragging me down the isle. I tried to get my footing as I looked at the other students while I passed them. None of whom would make eye contact with me and it was then I realized I had no more allies.
I wondered how much worse this could get.
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