Blah..........

Well, I finally broke down and made a Dr.'s appointment for tomorrow (today if you're reading this Fri).  I just can't take the pain anymore.  Some days are better than others.. but it's not actually better so I'm going.

Lately I've been feeling.. Idk just blah.  Like.. I'll cry at the drop of a hat blah.  I feel like I'm slipping into depression but Idk why.  I've never been depressed before.  I've been sad/depressed when a family member has died.. or when my dog died, but that's understandable.  Idk if it's b/c of being in so much pain.. if that is making me feel this way or not. 

Let me first say that I'm NOT suicidal AT ALLLLL.. but there are times where I honestly just sit and think.. 'hmmm.. life would be so much easier if I wasn't here".  I don't think about over-dosing on pills, or cutting myself or anything like that.  Just think about not being around anymore.  I would not.. COULD not ever commit suicide.  EVER.  But some days I just don't want to be here anymore.  I don't mean like I want to leave this town and start fresh somewhere else.  I mean gone.  POOF! See ya on the other side...

Fucked up to say.. but sometimes I wish I'd have like a massive heart attack and just go.  Least then my family wouldn't be as upset as if I had done it to myself.  It was medical.. nothing anyone could do.  But I wouldn't want my family to suffer.. to hurt b/c I died.  I know my mom and I don't get along some (alot) of the time, but I don't want her to hurt.  Or my dad.  My brother?? Eh.. I'm sure he'd be sad but I don't think it would linger with him like it would my parents or grandparents.  I don't want that for them.. so.. here I am.. sad.  Sad and crying......

There are days when I feel like a complete loser... like recently.  Every. Single. Day.  That I have failed in every way managable in my life.  I'll be 34 yrs old this yr and I've never been married, never had kids.. hell I've never even really been in love!!! How pathetic is THAT?!  I have resigned myself into believing that I will end up alone.... and that makes me sad.  Just add another thing to the list......

I feel like my life is going nowhere.  That I'm wasting my time in school and I don't even want to be there... which is true.. I don't. 

It's almost like I have a little voice inside my head going down the list of reasons why I'm worthless.  (No.. I don't actually HEAR voice.)   But it's just IN there.. going.. 'well.. you failed at this.. you failed at that.. no one wants you.. never really has.. you're pathetic... you can't do anything right..' etc. etc.. etc..

As I'm writing this, I'm crying and I don't even know wtf I'm crying about!! UGH! I know it's not hormonal so it has to be the pain, right?? Right?!?!?

If this is what pain does to ppl.. now I honestly understand why some ppl have done the medically induced suicides.  I could never understand it before, but if I had to live like this for YEEARRASS, like my Uncle did, then yea.. I'd probably consider it too.  And I'm sure my pain is nothing compared to a cancer patient, or some other really sad and horrible disease.

It really does suck. 

Big Time.

I'm gonna go cry in bed now.

Catching Up

O.K.. so this is gonna be another long post.  Sorry! (or you're welcome.. depends on how you look at it lol) And this is only 1 part of the catching up I have to do lol.  I'll post again soon.. PROMISE! (if you care anyway)

So my parents had met with my bro and BIL awhile back and it ended on a good note.  So for Easter, my mom decided to make my nieces little Easter baskets.  She called my bro and asked if he could swing by on that Fri to pick them up.  He said he was about to call to ask dad if he'd like to go to a gun show on Sat. cus he was in the market for a new gun (Yes.. we are a gun loving family lol) and also, BIL was planning on coming over on Easter Sunday. 

News to us!! She has NEVER made any attempt to come over.  We've ALWAYS been the ones asking, but my mom had given up and honestly didn't even want to bother with her.  She just wanted the girls to have the Easter baskets.  Anyhow.... mom told him dad was interested in going to gun show and to let her know for sure about Sunday. 

As soon as I heard that.. immediately my chest got tight, my blood pressure rose and I squinted my eyes, as I often do when I'm starting to get really pissed.  I did not want to deal with this bitch.  I mentally ran thru a dozen ways to get out of seeing them.  I knew I would be expected to be nice to BIL and I was over that.  I shouldn't HAVE to be nice to ANYONE who's done and said the things she has to me.  My mom knew that look though.  That look of "oh HELL no" on my face. 

She waited a bit before talking to me about it, which I appreciate b/c we both know how I get when I'm pissed and start thinking of BIL.  However, my mom surprised me.  She told me that no.. I don't have to be 'nice' to her.  I can just avoid her the whole time.  If she directly speaks to me, answer, but don't engage in conversation.  If I give 1 word answers then leave the room, thats fine.  If she starts her normal shit, I can say whatever.  If BIL brings up that she wants to speak to me about the past and whatever else, to take her either outside if everyone is inside or vice versa, but to also have my dad there as a witness.  That way nothing I do or do not say can be mixed up later... and also.. if my tempter starts to get the better of me, my dad will at least be level-headed enough to tell me to walk away before I hit her.  (they know me wwaaayy too well lol).

To say the day went well is an understatement.  I tried to avoid BIL as much as possible.  For the 1st hr. they were here, she didn't even know I was there.  I heard her ask my mom if I was, cus she wanted to say hi... my mom told her I was out back smoking.  She came out anyway, sat down across from me while I was playing on my laptop, and was all "hi!! How are you?!!?" I just stared at her for a min. before I answered.  That surely wasn't what I had expected.  I answered 'Fine, thanks." and went back to playing my game. She then started rambling on about.. oh I really dont know what cus I started to tune her out.. but whatever. 

Then she started laying on the compliments.  How nice my hair looked, how clear and smooth my skin was.. blah blah blah and she was talking a mile a min.  I could tell she was nervous and I was enjoying watching her fidget.  After about 15 min, sad to say, I forgot I was supposed to be ignoring her and ended up having a 30 min. conversation.  It was nice.  It was pleasant.  It wasn't the same BIL that I have known for the last 13 yrs. 

My parents told me that when they all met up a few months ago that she was different, but I didn't believe them.  Said she was on some new pills and they were really working this time.. again.. didn't believe them.  And I still wouldn't had I not seen it for myself.  She wasn't rude, pushy, mouthy, nothing!! I was shocked.  Now I'm not saying she's my new best friend.  I'm not saying that I now look forward to being around her.  All I'm saying is this time I didn't feel the need to rip off her face and shove it up her ass. 

I hadn't seen my nieces since the older 1 (VAL) was 7 and the younger 1 (MEL) was 2.  They are now 10 (will be 11 in July) and 5.  When VAL was younger, she was kinda bratty and whiny and moody.  I can't stand kids like that so I never really enjoyed being around her.  Now though?  I love it! She has a really cool sense of humor, we like the same music, some T.V. shows and we can giggle at the silliest things.  I had so much fun with her that day.  MEL tho.... ugh.. that child is crazy.  I don't mean crazy in a hyper, funny kind of way.  No.. she's like 10x's worse than VAL EVER was.  The epitome of brat.  I seriously wanted to yank her by her arm and spank her like 10 times that day.  She throws fits when she doesn't get her way, she tattles on VAL if she won't give her something she was using cus MEL wants it and of course gets her way.  She has to be the center of attention or she will start having a temper tantrum.  She demands things instead of asking for them.  I seriously wanted to smack her.  I hope she grows out of it.  I would really like to enjoy hanging with her too.  She has a totally different personality than VAL does.  VAL is a bookworm.  She loves to draw (is quiet good at it.  Her stuff has been on display at national book stores as well as local art shows), and is really mellow.  She isn't the adventurist type, but hey.. neither am I.  MEL.. that girl would jump feet first into a pit of rabid pythons just to see what would happen.  (IS there such a thing as a rabid python?? idk)  Girl has NO fear! She likes to get her hands dirty.. do 'boy' things like helping my bro. change the oil, work on cars, etc.  So they've got the studious one and the tomboy lol. She would be much more fun if she just changed her attitude.. which I completely blame the parents for but whatever. 

So yea.. Easter was great.  Until later that night.

Since VAL is so afraid of dogs, we moved them into the office.. crates and all.  After they left, mom was rearranging family room to make room for crates again while I went to get them from the spare bedroom.  Our hallway and bedrooms have carpet, but the rest of the house has hardwood floors.  I was carrying the 1st 45lb crate back into the family room.... wearing socks.. on a newly polished wooden floor.  I had 1 foot on carpet.. put the other on the wood flooring.. and thats when I involuntarily became a contortionist.  The right lower half of my body stayed still, the left side took a dive to the back, I lost balance of the crate which slammed my top half into the door frame and I ended up in this weird ass split like thing.. except my right foot never moved.  So it was more like.. my right knee bent, helping me to fall, as my left leg slid behind me resulting in some fucked up form of a split while the 45lb crate shoved me like it was pissed at me into the wall.  I sat there for a min like WTF just happened?? Then as, I was untangling myself I started laughing.  I'm not the most graceful person EVER.. so falling isn't abnormal for me.  My mom poked her head in and saw me under the crate and was like ...'umm.. J?? You O.K.?? I heard a yelp then a bang...'  I'm laughing too hard to try to explain WTF just happened so I just tried to pick myself up.  It didn't hurt, so I brushed it off.. (took my socks off) and went back for the other crate.  Lesson learned! No socks on polished wood. 

Then I woke up the next morning.  Moving my legs caused a horrible piercing pain to shoot to my lower back.  The kind of pain that takes your breath away and causes tears to form.  After about 10 min. I was finally able to move again.  I had to do this whole body roll deal.  In 1 slow, smooth motion, as if I was being rolled to be put on a paramedic board, I rolled until I was close to the edge then did the same thing to get into a sitting position.  Slowly I took the step forward to stand.  Bad idea.  I didn't even get 1/2 up when my lower back said "HAHAH bitch! I don't think so!!" and I feel back onto the bed.  I grabbed my cell and called my mom.. who thankfully was home.. and asked her to come help me.

Since then, there are days when it's been O.K., there have been days when I dont think I could life my legs to even shuffle.  I've had my friend, who is a masseuse and does house calls, to come a few times. After she leaves I feel good, but it doesn't last long.  By the next morning I'm back to stiff again.  It's now May 1st and the past few days have been the worst.  I dont want to go back to the chiro b/c well.. it didn't feel like he was helping.  But the pain is getting baaddd.  So bad that the pain is now radiating towards the front of my body.  My hips in the front now ache like crazy and hurt to be touched in anyway.  Even to wear pants.. lower back hurts as well as front hips and my legs feel super weak.  To stand, I have to have lean on something otherwise it just doesn't happen.... I fall. 

I'd like to return my spine and exchange it for a new and improved one please.  Thank you.

Decisions, Decisions....

If you read Past Lovers, then you'll know a little about this guy. There I call him The Trainer.. not to be confused with The Personal Trainer. 2 TOTALLY different guys in many ways...

Anyhow, if you don't read Past Lovers then I'll give you a little background on him. I originally met him thru my friend Angel back in 200 or 2001.. I can't remember. (and she was anything BUT an Angel.. crazy fucking bitch.. and NOT in a good way..another story for another time) Anyhow.. she had met him, went out with him once and they didn't click but she thought him and I would have better luck. So.. a few weeks later we arranged for him and I to meet at my place. Angel was there since she was the common denominator and he brought a friend along to meet her. Things turned out good and we were all pleased. (*side note, Angel and The Trainers friend only lasted 2 wks lol)

The Trainer and I swapped numbers and talked about getting together again... minus the others. For about 2 wks or so, we talked on the phone and online alot. We tried to make plans but neither schedules permitted. Finally we set a date for dinner and a movie for the following Friday night. Dinner was fun, movie was good and yes.. we eventually hooked up.

Now.. it's 10 yrs later. We've tried to have a 'relationship' throughout this whole time but every time things went bad. Most of the time it was b/c things would start being really good and he'd just disappear for days sometimes weeks and i'd never hear from him. Then he'd call me or IM me or text me whatever and act like nothing happened. I'd go off on him for it.. stop talking to him for awhile but I always seemed to come back. Things would be good for a while... go bad.. it was a cycle. 10 yrs of cycles but for whatever reason I kept coming back. We never actually had a real 'relationship' since the 1st try but we would hook up. During all of this he would tell me how much he cared for me, that I never really told him what I wanted so he really couldn't take all the blame. Which is true, I never actually sat down and told him how I felt or what I was expecting. He was under the assumption, after the 1st time we tried and failed, that I didn't want anything more than a friends with benefits type thing.

I'll admit.. I did use him whenever I wanted to get laid and I wasn't already seeing someone. I've always known that no matter when I'd text him and ask him if he was free.. no matter what he was doing, he would drop it and make time for me.

For the past year now, though I haven't seen him, we have talked on the phone, texted, and IMed more frequently. He's asked me to go away with him for a long weekend to this cabin he was going to rent. He's asked me to go on a cruise with him. Each time telling me I didn't have to pay for anything, it was all on his dime. Each time I declined. His schedule has been super busy, he's in college for pre-med and frankly.. I just hadn't wanted or needed to see him.

More recently, he's been giving me hypothetical situations or questions. Like.. if we were to move in together, where would I want to live? His current house or get a new one? Things like that. I wouldn't live in his house. It's old and in a part of town that I would NEVER live in. (lot of crime.. hell his car has been stolen 3 times since this past Dec.) I answer his questions honestly, as best I can.

Now... well.. I'm torn. He's been telling me again how much he likes me. How he feels that we are 'meant to be together' b/c we always come back to eachother. He gives me reasons why he feels that way and how I make him feel. Sometimes he won't even say much when he IM's me.. just a "I miss you, heard this song and it made me think of you" The latest song IM like that was just a few nights ago. The song was 'Where You Are' by Gavin Degraw. If you have never heard it, check it out on youtube. Try to get the 1 with lyrics on screen so you can read the words. It's a really beautiful song.

Again.. I'm torn. A part of me never in a million years thought I'd get serious with him. There's 1 big problem. He's black. I don't care.. obviously.. but my family will. OHHH it would be like World War 3 if I told them I was going to marry a black guy. Not only would my parents and brother freak, but my grandparents would too. Freak is an understatement but you get the picture. I know.. I know.. it's my life but would I.. AM I willing to lose pretty much my whole family for him? No. Sad, but true.

I just don't know what to do. I know what he wants. He doesn't just want friends with benefits. He doesn't want to just date. He wants to eventually get married and settle down. With ME.

It was him that showed me that a man doesn't have to be huge to satisfy. It was him that showed me that gentle sex can be good too. It was with him that I learned to like snuggling.

Ugh.. I just don't know what to do.

I agreed to have lunch with him this Wednesday. It's been forever since we've actually seen each other and hung out. I can't even remember when the last time was that when we were near each other that we weren't there just to have sex.. maybe it was back when I first met him? Idk. Will we run out of things to talk about being in person? Will it be awkward? I just don't know.. but I guess we'll find out. I hope he doesn't try to get all handsy with me.. cus I'd hate to have to knock him out in the middle of a restaurant lol

So.. what do yall think? Should I tell him we should only stay friends with benefits? Should we just be friends only? Should I see where it goes with him and cross the other bridges when they come? Opinions please!

Busy Busy

Lately I feel like I've been going, going, going none stop. I hate those days where you feel like you haven't gotten a chance to just sit and chill for a few minutes and before you know it, it's time for bed to just wake up and start all over the next day.


My dad had hand surgery a few wks ago. He tore the tendon in his finger and the surgeon 1st thought it was be a quick, simple procedure. However, when they got in they realized that the rip wasn't were they thought it was (in his pinky finger) but actually in the palm of his hand. They moved down to the palm to reattach the tendon to then find out that he had arthritis in his hand so bad that the tendons looked like spider webs. SO.. they had to take some from another part of his palm and put it where the tear was. He was in a cast for the 1st week. From fingertips to elbow. He started physical therapy 4 days after surgery and has to go twice a week for 7 wks. Once he finally got his stitches out they took off the cast and put on a brace that goes from fingertips to the middle of his arm. He can't take it off except to wash it twice a day, to do his exercises and to have it massaged to get the swelling to go down. Today he hit a milestone. He has finally learned how to shower and dress himself lol. My mom's greatful for that. It's pretty hard to do those things 1 handed. He still can't drive so 1 of us has to take him (her) and 1 of us has to pick him up (me or her) daily. Also, take him to his P.T. appointments. It isn't even my own arm and I can't wait for him to get out of the brace and be able to do more things.


Sat. was the last day of class for this semester. We get 2 wks off then go back. Here I thought having a Sat. class from 10-2pm was shitty. Ohhhh no.. next semester?? Another Sat. class, except this time it's from 9am-5pm. Jesus! That's 8 freakin' hours! WTF? I know I'm going to be asleep within the 1st 45 min. AND we have papers due every week! Ugh.. it's not even here yet and I'm already dreading it.


On to other news.. I've seen Bruce a few times since the last time and he STILL hasn't asked me out, called me to hang out or set a time for lunch. I have no idea if he really is interested or not. The other day we took my mom's car up there for an oil change and dropped it off. He wasn't there so I just assumed he wasn't working that day. When we went back to pick it up later, he was there. As we walked in to the front counter he was standing there..

Bruce: Hey! What are you doing here?

Me: Picking up her car.. she had an oil change done.

Bruce: Oh.. I didn't know her car was here. Let me get the paperwork.

He walks back a few minutes later and jokes around with me about the cost and other things. Is he flirting?? I can't tell. Maybe he's just a joker with everyone. Then he says something smartass and my mom goes.. ".. and which truck is his out there?" and I tell her which 1 it is. His boss was also standing there helping another customer and says.. "and how do you know which vehicle is his?" as he laughs. I look at Bruce before answering and his eyes go big.. he looks from me to his boss and back again. I chuckle and say 'well.. we've been here enough times the last few wks it wasn't hard to figure out'. I look back at Bruce and he looks relieved. Guess it ISN'T policy to pick up customers for their cars? lol


Finally we leave and have some errands to run before my mom has to pick my dad up from work. I meet her at Target down the street and when we get there, she tells me that her oil light is still on.. they never reset it. We go inside and I call the shop and ask to talk to him. He gets on and I tell him the deal and ask when I can bring it back.. I say in 1/2 hr, he says 'but i'll be at lunch then. I mean.. you can bring it back any time... whatever is good for you'. So I agree that I'll wait for him to get back. I get there and another shop guy meets me in the parking lot, guess he was waiting for me. He jumps in and resets it real fast.. took all of 60 seconds.. and tells me I'm good to go. I never even got the chance to see Bruce. As I'm trying to back out of the spot, I see him walk behind by car by 1 of the bays. I roll down the passenger window and say "hey! You better watch it! You're gonna get run over"

Him: 'WHAT?' as he walks over to my passenger winder and leans in

Me: 'I saaaiiddd... watch it or you're gonna get run over" (as I laugh)


He says something smart ass, we both laugh and I leave. About 4 hrs later I was out to dinner and didn't hear my phone ring at first. Thought I did.. but wasn't sure. I checked it a few min. later and I had a missed call and a vmail. I listened to the vmail and all he said was 'hey j, it's Bruce. I have a quick question for you, could you please call me back at 407-....." Of course it was the shops number, and I won't lie.. I got my hopes up. I called back, he eventually got on the phone.

Me: "hey.. it's J. What's up?"


Bruce: 'Oh hey! One of my guys lost his flashlight, he thinks he left it in your moms car... did you happen to see it? It's kinda big and expensive and he's freaking out"


Me: 'No. I'm sorry, I didn't see it and I'm not in that car or at home at the moment but I can check when I get home if that's O.K?'


Bruce: "Sure... of course. Thanks.."


Me: "Anything else?"


Bruce: 'Nope. that was it."

There was a long pause until I finally broke it.


Me: 'Oh. O.k. then.. I'll talk to you later. I"ll call you if I find it"


Bruce: "O.K... thanks. Bye"


And we hang up. That was it. Nothing more. WTF?!?!? UGH! This is driving me crazy!! SO! I've got a plan. It isn't so much as a plan but more of a straight forward approach. My mom needs new shocks and soon. He called around and is getting them at a good price and will give her a BOGO if she goes there. My 'plan' is.. the next time I see him (provided my mom isn't standing within 8ft of me) I'm gonna ask him straight up if he's single.. if he says yes, I'm just gonna straight out ask him if he'll meet for dinner or lunch some time. I will get an actual answer from him this time.. if he says yes, I'll ask for his number and try to set it up right then. No more waiting around for him to call or for him to ask. I want a yes or a no so I can find out how to proceed. If he's got a girl.. fine.. no biggie. I'll still do business there. I hate games.. I hate that whole 'wait around and see if he calls' bullshit.


Thats my plan and I'm sticking to it! :)

Car Repairs

Let me start off saying I kinda hate my car. I loved it when I 1st bought it.. for like 2 months. Then things just kept being wrong with it. Just stupid shit, but expensive to repair b/c it didn't fall under the warranty.

It's technically an 'old' car. It's a 1999 Kia Sportage soft top. In some ways it's really cool.. but expense wise.. it really sucks. It looks just like the 1 in the pic, except mine is green. Not like lime green or anything, but more like a deep emerald green.

Anyhow, I bought it brand new and in the almost 13 yrs that I've had it it's been 1 expense after another. I'll admit, I don't take good care of my cars. I forget to get oil changes until the check engine light comes on, I forget to get gas until the gas light comes on, I don't even think about getting tires until either 1 goes flat or I notice metal sticking thru them. I'm sorry.. I'm a girl. I just don't think about those things. My thing is.. I forget. I forget a LOT of things. So, if you don't remind me or bitch at me to do it, I won't remember. Well.. my car doesn't talk.. though it would be cool if it did! I've always wanted a Transformer car lol. (Hmm.. I take that back. I'd be afraid of what it would say b/c all the things I've done in that car lol)

For the past yr or 2, I haven't really needed to drive it all that much. My dad takes pity on me so he drives it to the airport and parks it while he's away and I take his truck. Someone is almost always home at my house and I just use 1 of their cars if I need/want to go anywhere.

Well, my dad has been telling for a looonnngg time that I need to get it in and have the spark plugs changed. I couldn't even tell you IF they've ever been replaced in the 13 yrs I've had it. I called around and the lowest price I could get was the Tire Kingdom by my house. I never even thought about going there. I mean, DUH.. it's called TIRE Kingdom. I just assumed they did tires only. Stupid me.

So, 1 afternoon I dropped my car off and the guy working the counter, Bruce, was really nice and asked me all these questions I had no answer to. Sorry dude,.. I don't speak mechanic. I tossed him my keys when he said we were done and that he'd call me after they took a look.

Let me just say.. I don't 'usually' go prowling for mechanics. Yea.. I've had my fun with a mechanic before (see: Past Lovers blog - Mr. Just Breaks) but that was a 1 time thing. But there was something about Bruce. For a lack of a better description.. he was hot. Light eyes, dark hair, tall, thin and all around yummy. We joked around here and there but that was it and I left. My luck lately when I meet a guy is either 1) he's already taken 2) too old/young to date 3) is a professor at my school and can't date. (yes.. #3 is really currently a professor at my college and when we first met was in the parking lot. My school shares the building with 4 other companies so we both could have been going to some place else.. unfortunately we weren't)

Bruce called me about an hr later to explain the current health status of my car. There was like 6 things wrong and before he found some 'discounts' and coupons it was going to be over $400. Ech. That sucked. After discounts and coupons, he got it down to a little over $200. How nice! I told him to do it and let me know when it was done. He called a few hrs later to tell me I could pick it up and I did. More joking/flirting ensued but I was with my parents (dad was picking up the bill thank GOD) so that was all. Bruce told me about a few other things they found but said it wasn't vital that I get them fixed now. We said our goodbyes and we left.

But I couldn't stop thinking about him. I liked his personality. He laughed at my corny jokes and smart ass comments and I laughed at his. I had to see him again.

Dad had to get the A/C belt fixed on his truck. He had planned on just taking it back to the dealership but asked me to call Tire Kingdom the next day to see if they'd do it cheaper. My luck!?? Bruce answered the phone.

me: Hey, I'm not sure you remember me.. I'm sure you see tons of ppl everyday, but you worked on my Kia last night....

Him: OH! Hey! Yep, I remember you. What can I do for you? Is there something wrong?

Me: Nope, it's good. Just had a question about an a/c belt for a Chevy Avalanche.

He gave me his prices, which were suprisingly more than the dealership. I asked if they did price comparisons and they did. He also said he'd throw in a free oil change. SOLD! Instead of being able to just drop it off, I had to wait for it since there was no one to pick me up. I didn't mind. It just meant I was able (possibly) to talk to Bruce more. Unfortunately, the store manager was there and kept Bruce busy. Only time I got to talk to him was when he checked the car in and checked the car back out to me. Damn. Plan failed. How was I going to see him again???

2 wks later I decide that my breaks needed checking. You seriously had to push the damn pedal to the floor to get it to stop. Was that normal??? I couldn't remember. I hadn't driven the car in over 6 months. It was time to go see Bruce again. On my way home from a job interview on Wed. (2 days ago) I pulled into Tire Kingdom's parking lot hoping he was working. He saw me pulling in, in my dad's truck and came out to great me.

Him: what do you want?!? (he asked laughing)

Me: Dont get shitty with me. I'm making your paycheck. I know you've missed me (as I laughed back)

I go on to inquire about prices for my breaks. He gives me prices and walks me back to my car asking when I'll be bringing it in... would it be that day? I told him I had other things going on but I could bring it by tomorrow (Thursday). He informed me that he was working 7am til 5pm so to bring it in sometime during those hours. Now the shop is open from 7am til 9pm. Was he flirting with me? I couldn't tell.

Thurs. came (technically this morning though it's now after midnight) and I didn't even get out of bed until after 11am. When I stress out, my shoulders ache like crazy and I get a headache. Well, after that interview on Wed. I had been super stressed since. (I think I totally bombed the interview.. sad cus I really wanted the job). When I woke up this morning, my shoulders hurt so bad it hurt too much to even raise my arms up to brush my teeth. My head was pounding, my jaws hurt (I also grind my teeth and clench my jaws when I stress), and I felt like I had just come down from a wk of hard drinking. My face was all puffy and all I wanted to do was down 1/2 a bottle of Aleve and go back to bed. No such luck. I had things to do.

By 1pm I was finally feeling a little better and decided to drop my car off. Bruce was there to greet me but he wasn't very chatty. Maybe b/c my mom was with me? Idk. We joked a little but nothing like before. I shrugged it off, signed what I had to and left to go have lunch with my mom. By the time he called back to tell me what was wrong (long list off shit again) but my mom had left and I had no one to drive me back up there when it was done. He offered to pick me up, I thanked him but declined. I didn't want to put him out any. He said he'd call back when the repairs were finished. In the mean time, I had to pick my dad up at work by 4:30. (he had surgery and isn't allowed to drive for 12 wks). Got back home about 5, mom was still out and Bruced called back to tell me my car was ready. Told him that I still didn't have a ride up there, that I'd have to wait until tomorrow if that was O.K. He again offered to pick me up.

Me: Nawww.. that's O.K. I dont' want to put you out any. Plus, you got off at 5...

Him: Really! It's fine! I don't mind! Give me directions. (I gave him directions) That's not far at all. I'll be there in a few minutes

I thanked him again and hung up. I got ready, grabbed my purse and headed out to wait in the drive way. Just as I was about to push the button to open the garage door.. my mom came home.

SHIT SHIT SHIT!! Couldn't she have waited another 10 minutes! Fuck it. I'm not calling him back.

Her and I chatted a few minutes and she went inside, saying she'd be back out in a few. Before she came out tho, Bruce pulled up in his big ass Dodge Ram pick up. This thing was a monster. It looked like he had a lift kit on it cus it was jacked up off the ground super high. I walked over to the passenger door as he leans over to open it for me while saying hi.

Me: holy crap man! Do you have a ladder to get in this thing? (I'm only 5'2". The door handle was higher than my head)

Him: (laughing) you need a boost??

Me: Seriously dude.. did you need to bring a vehicle I can't get into? Oh.. thankfully you have a runner to step on and an oh shit handle to pull my ass up.. otherwise I'd be shit outta luck! (still laughing)

I finally get in and close the door.

Me: My mom showed up about 5 min after we hung up but I didn't have a way to call you back to tell you you didn't need to make the trip. Thank you tho. It's really nice of you.

Him: No problem. I don't mind at all.

Silence....

Him: Wow. You smell really good!!

Me: (blushing) Thanks. I had been out back playing with my dogs and was getting all sweaty. I didn't want to stink up your car (laugh)

Him: Sweaty can be good (he turns and looks at me)

Me: (blushing again) Yea.. it can be when you have a good reason.... (pause) but I don't have a good reason. Well.. not a FUN good reason. (I shoot him a look out of the corner of my eye and he smiles)

We had idle chitchat on the way. He asks me how long we've lived there, if I had any kids (me no, him yes. 4 yr old boy). I find out he's originally from a small town in Indiana, moved down when he was 12, and swapped some funny stories about Indiana. (I had been there once a few yrs ago) We chatting about other things until we got back to the shop. It was no 5:30. He had been off work for 1/2 hr, but yet picked me up anyway. Was he trying to tell me something? Was he interested?? I still didn't know for sure. I wanted to ask him out.. but I didn't know if he had a girlfriend. I was hoping not, I mean.. that would be pretty shitty of him if he was doing this and had a g/f. Wasn't like he used a work vehicle to pick me up.. not like I was aware that they did 'pick ups' for anyone else.

We got back to the shop and I followed him in to pay. There was another customer in there getting checked out and Bruce was all professional. As I was leaving, I told him I owed him lunch or dinner for giving me discounts again. He smiled and said O.K. I didn't want him to think I was just bullshitting, so I turned back to the counter and said "No, I really mean it. You have my cell. Call me. I'll take you to lunch.. or dinner or whatever. Seriously.. call me"

He said O.K. and I left.

Will he call??? I have no idea. Do I want him to??! HELL YES!! Will he end up as another post for Past Lovers? Maybe :D But I think this time, I'd really like to have a relationship with him.

Wish me luck!!!!!!

Things That Piss Me Off pt. 2

1. So.. I'm a smoker. I have been for too many years to count. (I had my 1st cigarette when I was in 6th grade and never really stopped afterwards.) I hate that when I'm standing in the designated smoking area, a non-smoker comes over and stands by me and starts that OBVIOUS fake cough/choke. Making comments about how they can't stand the smell.. do I REEALLLYY need to be doing that there.. blah blah blah. MOVE THEN FUCKER! I was here 1st AND this is the only spot I CAN smoke jackass.

OH! And what about the comments: 'You know smoking is bad for your health?' or "Smoking kills". REALLY ASSHAT?!?! I NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE!!!! Gee.. I really wish someone would have told me that a long time ago.. or even written it on the box so I knew that every time I picked up my pack. OH WAIT!! IT IS ON THERE! Shut your cum catcher and leave me the hell alone douchebag.

2. We have a sign on our door that says NO SOLICITING. Thankfully, the people selling alarm systems have finally stopped coming by when they're met at the door by two 65lb Tervuren Shepherds and me with a gun. I think they got the picture. We're covered, thanks anyway.

However.. we need to modify our sign. It needs to also say "This includes religion". I cannot.. CANNOT stand Jahovah's witness, the mormons and any other religions knocking on my door wanting to convert me. Why is it that they expect you to stand there and listen to their shit, but when you try to talk to them about YOUR religion.. they don't want to hear it? OHHH you can knock on my door at 730am on a Sat. to vomit your beliefs into my groggy face, but I can't try to convert you!?

I so want to install a shocking door bell. You ring it? You get zapped. Leave me the fuck alone.

I will see you in hell..(since that's were you believe I will be going when I die) b/c there is no such thing as 'paradise' or 10,000 virgins or whatever.. in my religion. So.. noisy 730am knockers... if I'm going to hell SO. ARE. YOU. Save me a seat, order me a lemonaid and make sure I have enough cigarettes... I get cranky without them lol

Another thing that pisses me off is when they say.. "have you found Jesus?". 'Uhh.. I didn't know he was lost..' is always my reply.

3. Idiot drivers. I think Florida is the capitol of idiot drivers. You see me waiting patiently, with my blinker on, trying to change lanes.. yet you feel the need to drive like a mixture of Mario Andretti and Evel Knievel so that I can't come over. WTF?! Fine.. I'll wait and get in behind you. OH!! But now.. you drive 6 blocks, 15 miles UNDER the speed limit, with your fucking turn signal on b/c you can't figure out where the hell YOU need to turn. Get the hell outta my way jockstrap.

And those lovely people who just HAVE to merge into your lane in front of you, cutting you off, missing your bumper by only a flea's dick to stop at the red light you were arriving at. Thanks a lot cocksucker. My answer to that? I don't give the bastard 2 seconds to hit their gas pedal when it turns green. As soon as it does.. I'm laying on the horn.. HARD and for a long time like "let's go shithead! The light's green! WTF you waitin' for?!?!' as I throw my hands up in disgust.

Yes.. it's those little pleasures that make my day. :D

What about you?? What are some things that piss you off?

Things that piss me off (caution)

**Warning** This will probably be a really sensitive subject for some. It's not to hurt anyone's feelings or piss anyone off. But I had to get this off my chest.

I hate when you (you meaning general ppl.. or usually it means me lol) make an innocent statement and it gets turned all around. Example: on fb there's this thing going around about how if you imput the last 3 #'s of your cell in a comment it will appear as a name. Like: @[792:0], it gave me: Ekua K. Nkyekyer. So I responded to a friends post and did it with a comment that said: "umm wtf kind of name is THAT?? Sounds like I come from Africa or something..." and within seconds this chick comes at me about it. Apparently she was born in a small town in Africa or something, I really dk, nor do I care. But she's all.." nothing wrong with coming from Africa bro...what kinda name did u want? James Camron?" O.K... from that I took away feeling like she was insulted and had to insult me by giving me a more 'american' name. Though, other ppl had commented and said stuff about their name.. 1 person said something about how she had an Italian sounding name.. but did SHE get attacked? NO. And the 1 that attacked me.. who claims she's from Africa.. got the name Kathryn Andersen but did I attack her b/c of it? B/c she had a 'american' name. No.. I didn't.

So guys, was I in the wrong with what I commented? Was I being racist or something? Cause to me, I wasn't.... but that doesn't mean that someone else wouldn't take it that way.

It's shit like that that pisses me off. Why do ppl have to pull the race card when what was said (to me anyway) wasn't racist. I really had to stop, breathe, and think about what to respond to her b/c I was PIISSEEDD! And when I'm angry, I spout off at the mouth quickly and hit below the belt. So after collecting my thoughts, this is what I responded: 'Never said anything was wrong with it, was only referring to the name I got, that is all. Nothing more.' Of course she hasn't said anything since. A part of me hopes she does cus I'm always ready for a fight.. but the other part hopes that she doesn't b/c I know how I can get and I really don't want to get into a pissing match with some chick I don't even know who currently lives in Canada and I will never meet. She really isn't worth my time or even to be pissed about.. but it still rubs me the wrong way when ppl HAVE to always throw in race.

Another thing that pisses me off, which also goes along with race is politics. I am a republican. I don't hide it, I'm proud to be a republican. If you're a democrat, that's cool. No party affiliation, that's cool too. I really don't care as long as we all make decisions that are whats best for the country. So.. why is it that when someone who isn't a republican finds out that you (me) ARE a republican, you are automatically a racist who hates blacks and the poor? (Most often it has been black democrats that have called me that)

I think it's time for those who think that way get a quick history lesson.
1) Whites didn't sell you into slavery. Your own ppl did from Africa. They would raid villages and towns and take who ever they could catch to trade with whites for our guns and weapons and anything else we had that they wanted.

2) The majority of the black population is democrat. Who freed the slaves? Republicans. Who DIDN'T want to free the slaves? Democrats. Who fought to give freed slaves voting rights? Republicans. Who would stand at voting halls and threaten to beat or kill blacks who tried to vote? Democrats. Who fought to get freed slaves land of their own? Republicans. So look.. republicans weren't the problem, don't blame us. If you want anyone to blame, blame your own.

3) Vertus Hardiman. Not familiar with him? Look him up, there's videos about him. In a nutshell, when he was 5, in 1927, his parents took him to a county hospital to have experiments done on him for money. The experiments were for radiation. He spent over 80 years with a hole on the top of his head, it never healed. HIS PARENTS DID THAT for money. Apparently money was worth more than their child's health. No white men came and kidnapped that poor boy from his family, forcing his parents to give him up at gun point. Nope, they went voluntarily.

Lastly, I get that slavery was bad. People were treated horribly. Some were killed. Some had worse fates than death. Yes, it was by the hands of white folks. But we saw the error of our ways and fix it. There hasn't been slaves since 1865.

July 1862, Lincoln mentioned his Emancipation Proclamation to his cabinet. Jan. 1863 he put the law into effect. April, 1865 all slaves who were not yet freed, were freed. So please.. stop using slavery as a argument. It was 147 yrs ago. No one in your family that is still alive has ever been a slave. Stop blaming the whole world for it. No one alive today had anything to do with it.

Just b/c I'm not black doesn't mean my family hasn't been descriminated against. My family tree is a mix of backgrounds. On my mother's side is Italians and Scottish. My fathers side is American Indian and Irish. I'm a mutt. All of which have been called names, been descriminated against and hated. Look what the English did to my American Indian ansestors. Barged into American, stole their land and killed them if they wouldn't give it up.

My SIL is Jewish. Her mother (my neices grandma) was born in a concentration camp. My SIL's grandmother had her ID# tatoo on her when she died. She (and her sister) were 1 of the lucky ones that made it out of Auschwitz alive. However, thier mother, grandmother, brother and father weren't. They had to stand there and watch them being led in like cattle to the gas chambers. They were only children at the time.

Every background has had their fair share of misery and hardships. But you don't see me going around blaming 'whites' for how they treated my family tree. My SIL and her mother don't go around blaming the world for killing their family and it was a hell of a lot more recent than slavery. (the last camp was closed in 1947)

So, my point is not to 'get over it' b/c it's a part of history, it's a part of someone's family tree, it was someone's loved one. But please.. for God's sake.. stop making EVERYTHING about racism. Stop pulling 'the race card'. Stop blaming everything that's wrong with the world on shit that happen almost 200 years ago. Stop blaming 'the whites' for everything. Stop blaming the republicans for everything. It happened, yes. But it isn't happening now. We have a black president for Christ sake. Obviously we aren't as 'racist' as you claim we are.

That is all.

More Random Stuff

So I know I haven't made a new post regarding my past much and honestly, I don't know when I will. The more I wrote about it, the more I thought about it and it wasn't a very happy time in my life. I don't really like rehashing those things, at least right now. I promise I will get back to that soon though. Just give me some time.

I do want to add in real quick that DOES have to do with my past. I don't live in a 'small town'. I live in Orlando, Florida. It's big. It may not be NYC, but it isn't some po' dunk town either. That being said, O'Neil has resurfaced in my life. Well, not HIM him, but his family.
My mom belongs to a few churches.. (i know.. that sounds weird.) But it's b/c her main church does not offer a week day bible study class. Anyhow.. she met an older lady there and they became fast friends. Meeting for lunch, getting together to work on projects for the community,.. stuff like that. Well, the lady moved to a new house and my mom was going over there but needed directions. She forgot the lady's number and called me to ask if I'd look it up online. I asked for the lady's last name and she gave it to me and I froze. It was O'Neil's last name. I asked my mom where the lady had just moved from and she told me... it was O'Neil's neighborhood when we were in school. I started asking more questions and found out that my mom's new 'BFF' is O'Neil's mom. I told my mom, she said she'd ask to make sure her son was infact O'Neil... which she did and was told yes. SO.. Is it wrong of me to not like the fact that my mom is so friendly with my abusers mom? I told my mom that I didn't like it and she told me that I shouldn't judge people by what their children do and that it was a long time ago when it happened.

OH! I'm sorry.. I should have a time limit of how long I can hate the person that abused me? Or hate anyone in that family for raising an abuser?

Am I wrong in feeling this way? Is my mom right? Should I not judge the mother for what her son did? I need advice here people.


O.K... on to other things. So my neighbor across the street is a lovely woman. She's lived across from us for about 13 yrs. I've watched her children grow up to be wonderful people. I've watched her go through a divorce, find love again, to be decieved by that man and left broken hearted. I've watched her find love AGAIN and get married to a man that was a good provider, nice to her children and seemed to treat her nice.
The only fault I ever found in her was that she rushes into every relationship. She meets a man and within months she moves him in to her house. A few short months after that and they are getting married. I would have thought that she would have learned her lesson after the man she met shortly after her 1st husband. They went to the courthouse to get married.. they went throught the ceremony. They had to file a paper (I have no idea exactly what paper) for it to be legal. For whatever reason.. they guy 'told' her he filed it so she assumed they were married. A week or 2 after that he had to return to his country (Columbia I think?) b/c he said his family needed him.. his mom or dad or whatever was really sick and might die. He returned a month later.......

With some other chick. Apparently, no one was sick. He had a wife there that he was sending money to and he went back to bring her to America. But he STILL didn't tell my neighbor when he returned. He came back to her like nothing was going on and stayed with her for a few more months. Then he told her he was leaving her out of the blue, telling her he couldn't take her kids anymore, etc. etc. etc. Making up all kinds of bs reasons. It was only when she went to file for divorce that she learned that they were never legally married.

On to current husband. Just like the man before this one, they didn't know eachother longer than 2 months when she moved him in. A few months later and they were married. At the time he was making tons of money working for Lamborghini doing body work. I have to say, the man has talent. A few years later he decides he can make it on his own and opens up his own shop, borrowing $100,000 from the bank. He was doing wonderful until the economy went south. Slowly, work declined, he had to lay people off. To save his business, he went and found 'investors'. Sadly, that only helped for a small time.

The bills at the house weren't being paid. She became months behind on her mortgage, her utilities started to get turned off. They were struggling. He would occationally get a car that was wrecked but the owner no longer wanted. He would fix it up and sale it himself. But where was the money going??? No one knew. He told her he had 'bills' to pay and didn't have enough left over to give her money to get the mortgage caught up or anything else. She started selling off things around the house. Couches, tables, T.V.'s.. whatever she felt she could do without. During these years, she found out more things about him.. and they weren't good. Found out that he was in the US illegally. He had knowingly bought a deadman's social when he was in his 20's. He had been chaced out of Conn. by the towns sheriff for whatever reason and fled to Florida.

So she decides she wants to leave him. He has just been too dishonest over the years and she can't take it.. plus she's going to lose her house anyway. She she makes plans with her son to move in with him until she can either get the house caught up, they foreclose on it or she can sell/rent it out. Before she moves, she finds out that those 'investors' he had weren't legitimate investors. It was the Mob... and they're coming to collect.

They tried to find her husband first but he left the state however they were able to get a message to him. They want their money.. they want him and they won't stop until they either get their money or him. They were so kind to make sure they also said that if they find her, they will take her, torture her and kill her if needed to get information about where he is. They already broke in and trashed the business as a warning.

They showed up at her house on Tuesday. I didn't know what was going on and who they were, but I saw them go up to the door and wait for an answer. I figured it was just a friend of theirs. No. It was them. I didn't know she was inside hiding, I thought she just wasn't home. After waiting a few minutes, the guy got back in the car and him and the guy driving pulled away. But they stopped a few houses down. I was driving away at the time and didn't think anything of it.

Until she called that night. Thankfully she made it out of there without them knowing. Her son is a cop and he came to get her. The Mob guys have been coming by daily since then.. a couple of times a day actually.. looking for them. They have even started to ask the neighbors now. I feel so bad for her. She's had to go into hiding. She ditched her cell phone and got a untraceable, disposible cell. She sold her car and is using 1 of her sons cars and her son has now rigged up his place with cameras and all kinds of 'bad-guy-catching' technology. Her daughter, who just moved back from NYC had to leave as well, I'm not sure where she went though. Hopefully back out of state, that seems like the safest place for her right now.

I'm just shocked to find out about this. I never in a million years would have thought something like this would happen in my neighborhood. You hear about things like this on the news, but never think it will happen to someone you know.

I hate her husband for doing this to her. She had no idea that he made a deal with the devil, yet she'll probably be the 1 paying the pound of flesh. I don't like the guy, but I don't want him dead. BUT!! You better believe that if I knew where he was, I'd tell them ONLY to save her and her kids. She shouldn't have to suffer the consequenses for his actions. Not with dealing with the Mob anyway. They'll kill you as easily as anyone else killing a roach.

My mom's family is Italian. When we lived up north, thats all we were surrounded by. And yes.. they were in the Mafia. I've heard about some of the things they've done. I have an uncle who was in prison for being the 'fall guy' for their criminal behaviors... though he went voluntarily. Everyone at one time or another has to take 1 for the team and it was his time. You ever seen the movie 'Goodfella's'? There was a scene where Henry, as a teen, is setting fire to a line of cars? Yep.. that's what my uncle did. Except it wasn't cars, it was businesses. In some ways, I'm glad I don't live up there and around that. But in others, I wish I did. At least I knew someone would always have my back and things that happened to me wouldn't of. Or.. even if they did, the person that did those things would be a 'missing person' forever.

Anyhow.. what I'm getting at is... these guys aren't to be messed with and she's caught up in it for something she didn't even do. Everyone knows my family was close with her and her kids. What if the mob guys come here? I of course would never tell them where she is... but to what extent will they go to find out? Should me and my family be a little nervous now? A little cautious? To be honest, I am really surprised they HAVEN'T come to my house yet. They've gone to all of the other surrounding houses asking about her and her husband. The fact that they haven't scares me a little too. Why haven't they???? Not that I want them to.. but still.. out of 10 houses, we're the only ones they haven't visited...

Well.. that's all for now. Again I'm sorry if you're disappointed that again a post wasn't a continuation of my story. I promise I'll get back to it soon.

Leave me some advice guys! Please and Thank You! :)

Another random ramble

Ok.. so who has ever used the expression "God! I want to slap the shit out of you!!"??

It's an expression, right? Yea, thats what I thought too.

Let me explain first. So, finally after a few years my bro and his wife have finally decided to sit down with my parents and talk things out. Of course, just like last time, I wasn't 'allowed' to join. They met at a local park earlier today and, as far as what my parents said, everything is fine between them all now.

I asked my mom to ask my brothers wife WHY she doesn't like me. She said it's not that she doesn't like me, it's that she's not comfortable around me. When asked why, she said my brother showed her a text or whatever where I said I wanted to slap the shit out of her. Apparently my brother didn't show her the WHOLE conversation and now she says she's afraid to be around me b/c I might do her physical harm. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!

The whole conversation that she DIDN'T get to see was about 1 day when I went over to her house to pick up something and my brother was at work. She was pregnant with my youngest neice, and she's going on and on about how she can't even afford to buy diapers or anything else for the baby b/c my brother won't stop spending. How b/c of his spending, their baby won't have anything, blah blah blah. So when I get home, I send my bro. a msg and tell him what she said and that she pissed me off. She should know better than to talk shit about someone to their own family member and how I wanted to slap the shit out of her for talking bad about him. But apparently she didn't see any of that.

So my parents come back from their meeting today and is all.. you need to be the bigger person and move on from the past. She doesn't remember saying any of the things she said to you in the past and well.. since she's bipolar, thats 1 of the side effects. She can't help it.. you have a choice. You can either move on or hold a grudge and not see your brother.

How fair is that?? So just b/c she CLAIMS she hasn't said shit to me, I'm supposed to just deal with it? Oh.. BUT she can remember all this shit (she made up in her head) that I've done to her, but she can't remember a single thing she's done to me and I'm supposed to just 'DEAL'? Am supposed to just 'move on'? How can I even DO that when I haven't even been given the chance to talk things out with her? Why is it that it was O.K. for my parents to hold shit against her until they talked it all out, but I'm not given that chance and just have to do it? I don't think so.

My parents can't understand why I'm so mad. My mom basically called me a bitch today when I got mad at what she told me. I had asked my mom to address some things that his wife has said/done to me on my behave, but did she? No. My mom said she didn't want it to feel like they were ganging up on her. WHAT. THE. FUCK. EVER. How can you clear the air when you can't even talk about the shit that's making everything bad?? UGGHHH

Anyway, my mom asked her to sit down with me and talk, she said no, she wasn't comfortable doing that. But my mom tells me I need to email her. WTF FOR?! She doesn't to talk to me, I'm fine with that. I don't like and never will. She won't apologize for the shit from the past b/c 'she can't remember doing that'... so how can I move on? I know I'm probably being stubborn but fuck.... she needs to take responsibility for her actions, whether she remembers them or not... that's not my problem. Her mental illness isn't my problem. What comes out of her mouth sometimes is offensive and I shouldn't have to just turn the other cheek b/c she can't control her mouth.

Am I wrong? Should I contact her?? I need advice people. B/c apparently talking to my parents isn't doing any good. I'm serious when I say I wish I could just get in my car and leave. Move away and not be bothered with ANY of them ever again. I'm over it. I'm over being the 1 getting blamed for everything. I'm over being told I need to be the bigger person and forgive and forget. I guess my feelings don't fucking count in this fucking family.

Emotionally stressed

Saturday

After I hung up with Johnny, I didn't feel like talking to or explaining anything to Amy so I never called her back. Instead I laid on the couch and watched boring TV shows. Around 530 my neighbor Angie and her sisters stopped by and we chatted for a bit but I still didn't feel like talking to anyone. I cut the visit short and went back to the couch. A little after 7 I heard the garage door open and new my parents were home. I had no idea how my mom would be feeling since my brother left that morning, but I hoped she would be in good spirits. I didn't want to cry any more and hoped that she wasn't either. I also hoped she didn't want to sit around and talk about it.

Lucky for me, she was still in 'wedding' mode and seemed some what happy. We chatted about the wedding, ate dinner and before long I was ready to go to sleep. I had had a long, stressfully emotional day and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. Thankfully, Johnny never called that night. A part of me didn't ever want to hear from him again, but a sadistic part of me wished we could work it out. That he was all talk and I had nothing to worry about. Never mind the fact that he was too old for me... it was just exciting that a man liked me. Not a boy.. but a man.

Sunday

The next morning I woke up feeling better than I had when I went to bed. Thoughts of my brother; how he was doing, what he was doing, where he was, kept me pretty occupied for most of the day. Amy called around noon to ask if I wanted to go to the mall with her, and possibly meet up with Tony and Johnny. I lied and said I couldn't, that my parents had already made plans for me for the day but to go without me and have fun. She said she'd call me later with details once she talked to Tony incase I wanted to show up anyway. As I hung up the phone, I wished for the thousandth time that I had hooked up with Tony instead of her.

My mom asked if I'd like to go with her to do some shopping and I thought that would give me something to do instead of sitting around the house wondering things I probably would never have an answer to. Of all the places she decides to go shopping???? The MALL!! The SAME mall where Amy, Tony and Johnny would be hanging out. I freaked. I couldn't run into them with her! She could NEVER meet them. I knew once she did, all hell would break loose. I had to think quick and try to get her to go to a different mall. One that I KNEW they wouldn't be at. So I picked a store that I was certain wasn't in that mall and asked to go to that store. Greatfully she agreed and I was in the clear.

I didn't return home until the evening and couldn't wait to show my dad all the things we bought. As soon as I walked in, my dad told me that Amy had called numerous times while I was gone and said it was 'really important' that I call her immediately. Figuring she was just having another diva, drama queen moment I didn't bother calling her back. Instead, I put on a mini-fashion show for my parents while we ate left overs. By 9pm I just wanted to crawl into bed and veg infront of the T.V. and that's exactly what I did. Told my parents that if anyone called for me to tell them I was in bed, that I'd call them the next day or I'd just see them at school.

Monday

My mom came in to wake me up for school and I seriously felt like I had been run over by a truck. Everything ached and I wanted to stay in bed. Unfortunately, my parents made me get up and ready for school anyway. As soon as Amy saw me in the hall by my locker at school she laid into me. "What hell, J!?!? I called you over and over and over and you never called me back!! It was important!!"

I looked away to roll my eyes at her Divaness...'Sorry. I was busy all day with my mom and when I finally got home all I wanted to do was go to sleep. What's going on?"

"Tony was in an accident! HE'S IN THE HOSPITAL!! It's bad, J. Really REALLLYYY bad.." she yelled at me.

Randomness

Ok.. so I know I've been seriously slacking on posts for this blog. All I can say is I'm sorry. I really don't have any excuse other than I just didn't feel like posting. I can't blame school for all of it, as I have had some breaks and could have written then. When I do have down time, I think "Ok.. I WILL post tomorrow", but tomorrow never comes.

I'm sorry! :(

This post.. as you can already see.. isn't going to be a continuation from the regular posts on here. It's just me venting and bullshitting about whats been going on with me lately. Sorry if I bore you. :)

So, we got new puppies back in April. They were 9 wks old.. yes.. I said they. We 'THOUGHT' it would be a good idea to get 2. At the time it sounded like a good idea anyway. They'd always have someone to play with, they'd never be lonely.. blah blah blah. WELL! Let me just tell you.. I feel like I have two 2 yr old twin children. I sometimes feel like they're ganging up on me and it's very overwhelming! Some times they are great.. other times I want to strangle them both! lol We finally decided to call in some professionals to help with some training since they are now 9 mo. old and some things are just getting out of hand. Tonight was the 1st visit... 4 hrs of training.. and it has already made a HUGE improvement! I highly recommend the company. It's called Bark Busters and they are currently in 8 countries. Yes.. COUNTRIES! Not states. They started in Australia and have since expanded and so far I can't say enough good about them! I can't wait til we have perfectly behaved dogs who walk great on a leash and don't try to rip my arm off!!! lol

Have any of you ever known someone who, as soon as you just think of them, you instantly get angry? Your heart starts to pound like crazy and you seriously get a surge of adreniline and have to fight the urge to wrap your hands around their neck and squeeze until their eyes pop out? Yea.. I have that. And she's called my sis-in-law.. or rather how I like to refer to her as my bitch-in-law. Just the thought of her and I instantly start to shake, my heart starts beating fast, my neck tenses up and my breathing changes. I wish I didn't hate her. I really wanted to have a sister-in-law whom I adored. Who would be like a 'real' sister to me. Someone to go shopping with, someone who was a friend, someone I could talk to, who I could relate to. But unfortunately I don't. I have a selfish, self-absorbed, narcisitic, bitch sister-in-law who thinks she's better than me and my family. Who makes up lies about me to my brother and he actually BELIEVES HER!! They have been married for.... 13 yrs I think?? And for the longest time I just bit my lip, turned the other cheek, let it all roll off my back b/c I was asked (by my parents) to just let it go and to keep peace in the family. Actually, at 1 point my mom told me to stop being such a bitch about things and that I was taking everything the wrong way. Well.. eventually they FINALLY saw her for what she really is, thankfully. So now I don't look like the bad guy to them.. just my brother now, and I hate that. Don't get me wrong. I can be a HUUGGEEE bitch! I have no problem getting in someone's face and telling them off. I fight dirty and will hit below the belt when pushed to my limit. BUT! I've NEVER done that to her. I've never confronted her about the things she has said or done to me. I have only made it clear to both my parents and my brother that I want nothing to do with her anymore. I don't want to see her, talk to her or deal with her in any way. I know I've bitched about her (them) in the past.. but it still really bugs me that I can't see my brother or neices b/c of her. B/c ever since I said that I didn't want anything to do with her, she has refused to let my brother or my neices have anything to do with us. Us as in.. my parents aren't allowed to see their own son and grandkids. A part of me feels bad b/c I feel like it's my fault. But the other part of me is like.. WHAT BITCH!? Just b/c I don't like you doesn't mean you should take it out on my parents! I've told all of them that if they want to come over with the kids, I will go hang out somewhere else, it's really not that big of a deal to me. Bitch-in-law still won't let my parents see any of them. Sadly, I really don't miss my neices at all. When my oldest neice was younger (the last time we saw her she was about 6 or 7.. she's 11 now) she was a brat and I really couldn't stand to be around her anyway. My youngest neice was only a baby so I really never got to know her.

My mom says I need to learn to forgive people more. But.. how do you forgive someone who believes they didn't do anything wrong and they keep doing the same things over and over or more? More insults, more jabs, more rude comments about me AND my family.. more everything?!? Why should my feelings not matter? Why should I have to subject myself to the verbal abuse just to keep peace?? How is that fair to me? And why is that selfish of ME to feel that way just b/c I don't want to be around someone to cuts me or my family down? Ughh.. she just makes my blood boil and even more so when my family tells me I should learn to be more accepting, understanding and forgiving of people!! Why can't people just be freakin' nice and if they don't have anything nice to say.. just don't fucking say anything!!!

Anyhoo!! I'm getting myself all worked up again so I need to change topics.

Have I mentioned I hate school? I hate the degree I'm getting, I hate the classes and I hate the professors. I got into a yelling match with my Tues. night professor b/c well.. he's an ass lol. We have a report due in a few weeks and the syllabus says it has to be 6-8 pages. Every week though, this dick keeps upping the pages. Most recently, he upped it to 20 pages! 20 FUCKING PAGES!! WHAT THE FUCK!! THIS ISN'T A DAMN THESIS YOU ASS! It's just a damn report! AND it's due in 3 weeks. I'm afraid to go to class next week.. will it be upped to 30 pages then?? What pisses me off even more is.. the rest of the time, he says the syllabus came from the University and he can't change anything when we bitch about all the homework and stuff we have to do. BUT! He can't change it NOW?!?! B/c HE wants to? What the fuck ever. He can bite me.

Next topic!

A few weeks ago my lower back started to ach a little bit. I blew it off figuring I slept funny or something. But it just kept getting worse and worse. I have always had back problems since I was a kid. I was diagnosed with scoliosis in 7th grade. Had the school not been doing tests for it, it would have never been found. It wasn't very noticable unless you were really looking for it and even then, as long as I had my shirt on and I wasn't trying to bend at the waist, you wouldn't see it. Then about 10-11 years ago I hurt my back. I won't go into details about that on this blog.. that's more for my 'other' blog (past lovers) lol. Anyway, as always I kept blowing it off. I'm not 1 that complains about aches and pains, nor do I usually take any pills for pain. I try to just deal with it. I hate taking pills and will usually try everything else 1st. Well, this pain was in my lower back and kept getting worse and worse. One night I was at my friends house and we had been sitting out by her pool smoking (yes.. pot.. it was a long time ago.. don't judge lol). Well I went to stand up and fell right to the floor in major pain. My left leg wouldn't work and at first I thought I had a damn stroke. (weed will make you think funking things.. again.. don't judge me lol).

Anyway, after we figured out that I did NOT have a stroke, she drug me to the car and took me to the ER. Many x-rays and MRI's later I was sent on my way with some pain killers and told to follow up with a specialist as they couldn't see anything wrong. I made an appointment with my old scoliosis Dr. for a few days later, grabbed my x-rays and was on my way. At the Dr's appointment I was informed that I had pinched my sciatic nerve (don't ask lol) and that was all. The Physician Assist. that I saw (since my Dr. was on vacation) mentioned in a way that sounded more like he was saying it's windy out, that it had nothing to do with my Spina Bifida. Umm wait a damn minute.. WHAT?! Who the hell has Spina Bifida? Not me.. couldn't be me. The only thing I knew about Spina Bifida was that it affected the spine (duh) and the only people I had EVER seen with it were wheelchair bound, handicapped and pretty much parapalegic. That wasn't me at all. I was too dazed to ask any questions and went on my way. I researched it when I got home and apparently there are 3 levels of it. I had the least severe. Basically my sacrum (the back side of your hip bone that covers your spine) never fused together before I was born. My sacrum looks like a puzzle piece and my spine in my lower back down to my tailbone is exposed. Only covered by skin pretty much. To say that I'm pretty damn lucky that I have never had an accident that hit me there and haven't been paralyzed b/c of it is an understatement. Who knew I had so many back issues? lol

Anyway.. so back to my current back issues. After over 2 wks of dealing with the pain, I tried to get out of bed 1 day and couldn't. My mom brought me a 'pain pill' she had, and swore it would help. I took it b/c that's how bad it was hurting. I drifted off to sleep in about 10 min. and had the weirdest dreams of my life. (flying cartoon dragons outside my window, making stakes to kill zombies out of popscicle sticks..) Yea.. I'm a lightweight when it comes to pills and apparently it made me hallucinate! About 5 hrs later I woke up and still felt like shit. Every time I tried moving either of my legs a severe white hot pain shot up my legs to my back that took my breath away. I asked my mom to call her chiropractor and set up an appt. ASAP. Luckily he's a good friend of my mom's and he could see me in 30 min. With help from her, I got up, got dressed and wabbled like an old women to the car. As soon as we walked in, he was ready for me and asked me to sit on a chair so he could eval me before doing anything. He touched the small of my back with 1 finger (no lie) and I shot up like the chair had burned my ass. (Who know I could move so fast?? I sure didn't lol). WELL! After a few more minutes of his horrible probing fingers, he hooked me up to some machine that looked like it came from outter space. Seriously people.. I thought I had left Earth and landed on some foreign planet and apes were going to jump out of the closet to inspect me. Was I hallucinating again? Uhh.. No. The machine really was that freaky.

So.. he read the results.. blah blah blah.. and informed me that the disk between my L5 and sacrum had slipped and is swollen to the size of a large grapefruit. Lovely. Just freakin' lovely. No wonder my shit hurts so bad! He said he was going to try to aleave some of the swelling before he put me on the tinge unit. I should of asked HOW he was going to do that BEFORE he tried doing it. Stupid me. He laid me down on those famous chiropractor beds, told me to relax and started to just rub my back. It was heaven! I was getting so relaxed I thought I was going to drift off to sleep. Then WHAM!! This motherfucker presses on the small of my back with all of his weight. My eyes shot open, I opened my mouth to scream but nothing came out, and I saw stars. I tried to roll off the little bed thingy but his body was pinning me down. When I was finally able to speak, "Sweet mother of god! WHAT THE FUCK! Get the hell off me asshole" was the 1st thing that flew out of my mouth. Of course, as soon as I said it I felt bad about it. He didn't intentionally hurt me.. but Christ all mighty it hurt like a son of a bitch! He went back to rubbing my back again, apologizing for hurting me.. yadda yadda yadda. It didn't matter... it still fucking hurt. He had to do it a few more times but at least I was prepared for it. When he was done he helped me up and put me on the tinge unit with an ice pack. That was lovely. Little electrical currents were shocking my muscles and the ice was freezing it. I had no pain. I left walking more like a human should and less like a caveman and I was happy. I didn't have any more pain the rest of the night. The next day though? It was all back again.

I've been back to him a few times since. The swelling still hasn't gone down so I still have a grapefruit sized disk just chillin' back there. Next week I'm on the decompression machine (basically it stretches your spine to realign it and help the disk to move back into place). It looks even more sci-fi than the 1st machine did. I asked him if it would make me taller.. he said no so now I'm bummed. But.. if it will help this fruit stand I have in my back go away, I'm willing to give it a try even if it means I'll still be 5'2" when I'm done.

Ok.. I'm done rambling now I guess. This post is longer than Heidi Fleiss' client list.

Farewell

***Warning! Long post since I haven't posted anything in a while.. hope you don't mind!*** :)

The next morning at school I asked Amy about having Johnny pick her up and spending the day at my house on Sat. Of course, she was all for it! Spending time alone with Tony?? She said she'd walk there if she had to.

The rest of the week dragged on and finally Friday arrived. As the final bell rang releasing school and I darted for the door, I yelled a promise to Amy that I'd call her later after I spoke to Johnny to confirm the plans. She returned an excited smile as I dashed outside and into my mom's car.

"What are you so happy about today, J?" My mom asked as I jumped in.

"Nothing. Just glad it's Friday is all."

"I'm surprised. I figured you'd be at least a little upset that tonight is your brother's last night with us."

That comment instantly made me lose the excitement for the weekend. Throughout the whole week I couldn't wait for the weekend because that meant I'd be spending time with Johnny, but I had completely forgotten about my brother. Now I was feeling sad and depressed.. because my brother was leaving and even more so because I had totally forgotten that tonight was the last night I'd see him for a while.

We drove the rest of the way home in silence. How could I have been so thoughtless? How could I have been so self-centered and selfish?

When we finally arrived home, my Dad and brother were already there getting things ready for a cook-out. There were a stack of movies sitting by the TV and some board games on the coffee table. Apparently they had already planned the whole evening.

I set my things down in my bedroom and joined everyone else on the back patio. When the food was finished, we grabbed our plates and headed back inside to watch a movie. The evening was spent stuffing our faces, watching movies, playing monopoly and retelling funny stories of things my brother and I did when we were little. The night couldn't have been any better, however there was a weight in the room. We all knew that this was the last time we'd have a night like this for a very long time, if ever. As of that night, our family dynamics were going to change in a huge way. The later it got, the more emotional everyone got.

My brother excused himself so he could finish packing. My parent's started to clean up and I followed my brother into his room. He was stuffing more things into a duffle bag so I flopped on his bed and watched for a long time without saying anything. When I finally drew in a breath to speak, he cut me off..

"Don't say it J." He said with his back towards me while he rummaged through some more drawers.

"Don't say what?"

"You know..."

I sat up, "Nooo.. I don't. What? What don't you want me to say?"

"Don't get all mushy on me. Don't start crying. Don't say something that will make me feel bad about leaving 'cus I'm already feeling bad"

I didn't say anything for a few minutes. I just sat there trying to think of something TO say that didn't fall in any of those categories. Instead of saying anything, I just walked up behind him and hugged him. He didn't turn around.. he didn't say anything either, he just put his arms on mine. I heard the phone ring, but didn't even move to go answer it. I really didn't care who it was right then. But a minute later I heard my mom yell that the phone was for me... which came at the right time because I felt tears forming and I didn't want to cry in front of my brother.

I let go of my brother and walked out, trying to pretend I wasn't crying. I took the phone call in my room and once I heard my mom hang the other line up, I said hello.

"Hey" It was Johnny. Such a way with words...

"Hey" I said, trying to make sure my voice didn't sound like I was upset... it didn't work.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing" Good thing about guys, when you say nothing.. they usually drop it.

"So... we still on for tomorrow? Tony's definately coming. Am I picking Amy up?"

I filled him in on the time, when and where to pick up Amy and got off the phone shortly after. As I hung up and got ready to call Amy, I realized I just wasn't as excited as I had been before. I tried to push the sadness away for the time being and called Amy.

Of course, she was excited. REALLLYY excited. I listened to her go on and on about how excited she was, what she was going to wear and everything else in between. I had to interupt her a few times to make sure she understood that they could NOT have sex in any of the bedrooms since that's what she was insinuating she wanted to do. I let her ramble on for awhile then got off the phone. I wanted to spend a little more time with my family before the night was over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My mom woke me up around 6am the next morning. I definately was suffering from an emotional hangover and felt like crap but I drug my body out of bed anyway. We all sat down and had a quick breakfast before packing my brother's things in the car.

I couldn't help it. When it was time to say goodbye, I broke down and cried. Cried like a baby. Cried like I was never going to see him again, though he'd be back for a week or two after he completed basic training. I kept hugging him and crying. I could tell by the look in his eye that a part of him didn't want to leave, but he was going to anyway.

Finally my dad pulled me away and said they had to go if they were going to make it in time. I stayed out on the porch and waved until they drove out of sight. I went back inside, grabbed my pack of cigarettes and sat back on the porch for hours just smoking. Around 9:30am the phone rang and it was Amy asking if I was ready yet. I couldn't believe I had sat out there so long and rushed to get off the phone to get ready. The guys were picking her up at 10:30 and I still had to shower. She said she'd call when she was leaving her house and we hung up. I ran around like a crazy person trying to get ready and find something 'cute' to wear. I finally decided on a pair of overalls and a tiny t-shirt. (don't laugh.. it was the early 90's.. it was in style then! lol)

Just as I was putting the finishing details of make-up on, my phone rang again. It was Amy and she was leaving her house. They would be here in less than 20 min. I hung up the phone and tried to calm my nerves. My heart was beating a mile a minute and I felt like I was going to hyper-ventilate. Grabbing my cigarettes again, I headed outside. I smoke 2 more cigarettes and went back inside and paced. I tried to calm down but nothing helped. Just as I looked at the clock and knew that they would be arriving any minute, I heard a car pull into the driveway and honk.

I swung open the door just as they were walking up. Johnny came up and gave me a big hug and kiss. Of course I returned the kiss, but tried to play it down some in front of everyone else. Tony had his arm drapped over Amy's shoulders while he whispered something in her ear and she giggled. I led them into the house and we all found a seat. Right away Amy and Tony started making out on the couch and Johnny asked for a tour. Not that my house was all that big.. just a standard 3 bedroom/2 bed house with a living room, family room, dinning room and kitchen, 2 car garage. That's it. Nothing special.. not even a 2 story house.

I gave him a quick tour, showing him my brother's room, the bathroom and my bedroom first and tried to quickly walk through to the rest of the house so we could end the tour back with Amy and Tony. However, Johnny had other plans. He grabbed my hand and led me back to my bedroom; closing the door behind me, pulling me towards him and started kissing me. I felt his hands begin to wonder down lower and lower to rub my ass. I didn't pull away or try to move his hand thinking he'd be happy with that. I was wrong. His other hand slid down to move under my shirt. When I felt his hand make contact with my bra and still try to go under that, I gently pushed his hand down. He made sort of a unhappy grunt and slid his hand back up. His other hand left my ass and began to undo the straps of my overalls. When he got one off and moved on to the second one, I would go and connect the other again. We did this back and forth for a few minutes. I tried to giggle a little, acting like I was being playful though I told him no a few times.

At first he seemed to be okay with it, then his face changed. He went from half smiling to having an angry look on his face. I knew that face and I went to step back. He grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me onto the bed. I was so shocked I just laid there for a second before trying to get back up. He pushed me down again, saying nothing. He didn't need to, his face said it all. As I was laying on my back on my bed, he leaned over me, pinning my legs with his and stared at me as if daring me to try to get up again. I stared back at him, meeting his angry eyes and squirmed under his weight.

The phone started ringing and I let it ring a few times before speaking.

"I need to get that in case it's my parents"

He still didn't say anything but he let me get up and answer the phone. It WAS my parents. They were calling to say they just saw my brother off and were on their way to the wedding. Johnny was standing in front of me still as I sat on the bed, but he wasn't close enough to hear the conversation, only my side. My mom filled me in on my brother's departure and told me again that they wouldn't be home until after 7pm. We said our goodbyes and when I heard her side of the phone click, letting me know she had hung up, I said into the reciever:

"O.K... well.. I'll see you soon then. How soon do you think you'll be here?"

Pause...

"Wow.. that soon. O.K. well see you in about 20 minutes then. Bye"

And I hung up the phone and looked at Johnny. He had a quizative look on his face, as if he didn't completely believe me, but I didn't care.

"Looks like they aren't going to the wedding. My mom's not up for it now... they'll be here in about 20 minutes."

I just sat there and looked at him as he stared a hole through my head. He took a few steps back to let me stand, and when I did he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me.

"No one tells me no! NO ONE!"

My head flopped back and forth like a ragdoll. He shook me some more then let go. I fell back onto the bed as he stormed out.

"TONY! WE'RE LEAVING! NOW!" Johnny roared as he entered the livingroom and went straight for the door. I was coming out of my bedroom as I saw Johnny swing open the front door and storm to his car. Amy looked at me and asked what happened.. I told her I'd tell her later and that they better go before Johnny leaves without them. With a promise to call me as soon as she got home, her and Tony sprinted for the car. Johnny had already had it started and was backing out when they made it to the driveway. Amy waved goodbye and jumped in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

About 4pm Amy called to find out what had happened. Saying Johnny drove like an idiot all the way back to her house in silence. Tony had asked him a few times what had happened and why he was so mad but he wouldn't answer. Amy sat in silence and prayed she made it home without any accidents.

I was in the middle of explaining what had happened when my phone beeped. Thinking it might be my parents, I told her I'd call her back and switched over to the other line. As soon as I answered, I heard Johnny's booming voice yelling...

"Don't you EVER tell me no again! If you do.. you will regret it! The next time your parents see you will be when you're sitting in a hospital room! Do you understand!!?"

Very quietly I said "Okay."

"WHAT?"

"I said O.k."

"Is that all you have to say???"

"Umm.. I'm sorry?"

"I can't talk to you right now. I'm still pissed off. I'm going to call you either later tonight or tomorrow and you better answer the phone! Remember.. I know where you live now!" he yelled and hung up.

I sat on the floor and wondered.. what in the hell had I gotten myself into.. and how do I get myself out of it? Did I really want to get out of it... didn't I?

Going away

My parents arrived home around 6pm and as we all sat down to eat dinner, my brother made his big announcement.

"Mom, Dad.. I have to leave for bootcamp this weekend."

My mother dropped her fork and my father chocked on his water.
"WHAT?!" my mom asked as she shot my dad a look to see if he was O.K.
My brother explained to them what he told me either.
"What about school?" My dad asked him after he recovered from the coughing fit.
"I have enough credits to graduate now. I'm just there because I was going to walk with the rest of my class. I don't actually NEED to be there. You know that. I showed you all that paperwork before."

My father got quiet and looked at my mom. We all expected her to flip, but she didn't. She was sitting there quietly sliding her food around her plate. I kept to myself.. no need to draw attention in my direction. When I finished eating, I asked to be excused and let my parents talk in private with my brother. I knew they wouldn't be happy, but really.. what could they do? Who tells 'Uncle Sam' no??

When I heard the conversation was winding down and the clatter of plates I walked back in to help with the dishes. My mother was alone in the kitchen, I had no idea where my dad or brother had gone off to.
"Hey.. you need any help?" I asked tentively. She didn't answer me right away and I just waited, not wanting to leave but didn't want to probe either. Eventually she did say yes and we worked in silence for the most part until I finally spoke.
"Where'd everyone go?"
"Your brother's in his room starting to pack and your dad went to the store. Said he needed something, but I know he really just went to have a cigarette." Though my mom knew my dad smoked, she hated it so he wouldn't smoke at the house.

We finished up the dishes and I retreated back to my room. My brother was leaving in less than 2 days for boot camp.. I couldn't believe it. Though I knew he had said he wanted to join the Army, I guess I never really thought he actually would and now the time came. Come Saturday morning, my parents were dropping him off on their way to a wedding in Tampa. I wasn't going to the wedding, so I was going to have to say my goodbyes at the house. Which was fine with me because I knew I was going to have a hard time saying goodbye not knowing when I'd see him again.

As I sat in my room thinking about my brother leaving, the phone rang. My mom knocked on my door to tell me it was for me. I had 2 guesses who it would be.. Amy or Johnny. I was hoping it was Johnny. I picked up the phone in my room and asked my mom to hang up the other line. When I heard the phone finally click I said hello.

"Hey J"
"Hi, Johnny. What's up?"
"Nothing really. I said I'd call you tonight."
We continue to chat about all different things, including the day we spent together.
"Hey Johnny... I have a question.. I was wondering.. what are you doing Saturday during the day?"
"I don't have any plans, why? Did you want to hang out?"
I explained that my parents would be at a wedding and asked him if he wanted to come over and if he'd pick up Amy on the way if she said it was O.K. He agreed, I promised that I'd ask Amy either that night or the next day at school if it was O.K. with her and asked him to call me Friday evening.

My parents had decided that since it was my brother's last night with us on Friday, we would have a family night so I wasn't going out with friends. He agreed to call and we said our goodbyes. It was already getting late by the time we got off the phone so I just went to bed.

I had no idea that what I had asked him was the starting point for so many things down the road.....

Update!

First let me say I'm soooo sooo sorry for just up and leaving without a word since. I really have no excuse other than I just didn't feel like posting. As you guys know, I had some health issues going on and after that.. well.. I just didn't feel like doing anything. Especially posts. But! I have an update!! :)

I returned to my Dr. for a 6wks check up of my heart. He listened intently.. then listen some more. He pulled away with a puzzled look on his face.

"What's wrong now, Doc?" I asked

"I can't hear it. I can't hear it at all. I know it was there last time. Mary.. come listen to see if you can hear it. You did hear it last time, right?"

Mary the nurse took her turn listening to my heart and she as well couldn't hear the tale-tell sounds of the thump, thump, click. They both looked at each other with WTF faces.

"J, do you have time to do an EKG while you're here? I want to make sure it's really gone."

I did have the time. Hell, even if I didn't have the time, I'd make time because I wanted to know! 45 minutes later they were unhooking the leads and sent me back to the exam room. The Dr. came in shortly after half smiling, half still confused.

"J. I swear I heard it the last time you were here. Mary heard it... I'm not going crazy. It really was there. But your EKG is perfect. So, I don't know what happened, but your heart is healthy with no signs of a mitral valve prolapse. Maybe it was just the meds you were on, but whatever it was.. it's gone now. Congrats!!" he smiled as he hugged me. I released a breath I didn't even know I was holding and though really confused of how it just 'went away', I was happy with the news.

Of course my mom went with me to this appointment too so as soon as I was back in the lobby, she wasted no time in asking me. "SO! What did he say? You were back there for ever!" I smiled, told her what happened and she I think she was more excited that I was I think. As we walked out the door and into the parking lot she looked over at me and said, "Your Dad and I have been praying that He would fix this as since you found out. Looks like He did."

Now, I'm SOOOO not a religious person. I don't go to Church, though my parents do. I don't have any desire to go to Church. I have my own issues with Church which is another post of another time lol. But, as I walked to the car I thought about what my mom said... hey.. maybe the 'power of prayer' really does work? I honestly don't know. All I do know is that 6wks before I had a heart problem. I didn't take any med's to correct it, as there were none available My Grandmother prayed, my Grandfather prayed, my parent's prayed and my best friend prayed that He would fix my heart. I didn't change my lifestyle any. The only thing that changed was that I was off the meds for my cold. Did my heart correct itself once I was off the meds? Or was it all the prayer? I don't know.. I'll never know.. but.. whatever it was.. it worked and I'm very thankful.

Now that that is over with and this (horrible) semester is almost done, I'm hoping to have more time.. and more desire.. to post more. I can't promise it will be weekly, but I will try. I hope everyone has had a great year so far!! :)