Blah..........

Well, I finally broke down and made a Dr.'s appointment for tomorrow (today if you're reading this Fri).  I just can't take the pain anymore.  Some days are better than others.. but it's not actually better so I'm going.

Lately I've been feeling.. Idk just blah.  Like.. I'll cry at the drop of a hat blah.  I feel like I'm slipping into depression but Idk why.  I've never been depressed before.  I've been sad/depressed when a family member has died.. or when my dog died, but that's understandable.  Idk if it's b/c of being in so much pain.. if that is making me feel this way or not. 

Let me first say that I'm NOT suicidal AT ALLLLL.. but there are times where I honestly just sit and think.. 'hmmm.. life would be so much easier if I wasn't here".  I don't think about over-dosing on pills, or cutting myself or anything like that.  Just think about not being around anymore.  I would not.. COULD not ever commit suicide.  EVER.  But some days I just don't want to be here anymore.  I don't mean like I want to leave this town and start fresh somewhere else.  I mean gone.  POOF! See ya on the other side...

Fucked up to say.. but sometimes I wish I'd have like a massive heart attack and just go.  Least then my family wouldn't be as upset as if I had done it to myself.  It was medical.. nothing anyone could do.  But I wouldn't want my family to suffer.. to hurt b/c I died.  I know my mom and I don't get along some (alot) of the time, but I don't want her to hurt.  Or my dad.  My brother?? Eh.. I'm sure he'd be sad but I don't think it would linger with him like it would my parents or grandparents.  I don't want that for them.. so.. here I am.. sad.  Sad and crying......

There are days when I feel like a complete loser... like recently.  Every. Single. Day.  That I have failed in every way managable in my life.  I'll be 34 yrs old this yr and I've never been married, never had kids.. hell I've never even really been in love!!! How pathetic is THAT?!  I have resigned myself into believing that I will end up alone.... and that makes me sad.  Just add another thing to the list......

I feel like my life is going nowhere.  That I'm wasting my time in school and I don't even want to be there... which is true.. I don't. 

It's almost like I have a little voice inside my head going down the list of reasons why I'm worthless.  (No.. I don't actually HEAR voice.)   But it's just IN there.. going.. 'well.. you failed at this.. you failed at that.. no one wants you.. never really has.. you're pathetic... you can't do anything right..' etc. etc.. etc..

As I'm writing this, I'm crying and I don't even know wtf I'm crying about!! UGH! I know it's not hormonal so it has to be the pain, right?? Right?!?!?

If this is what pain does to ppl.. now I honestly understand why some ppl have done the medically induced suicides.  I could never understand it before, but if I had to live like this for YEEARRASS, like my Uncle did, then yea.. I'd probably consider it too.  And I'm sure my pain is nothing compared to a cancer patient, or some other really sad and horrible disease.

It really does suck. 

Big Time.

I'm gonna go cry in bed now.