If you read Past Lovers, then you'll know a little about this guy. There I call him The Trainer.. not to be confused with The Personal Trainer. 2 TOTALLY different guys in many ways...
Anyhow, if you don't read Past Lovers then I'll give you a little background on him. I originally met him thru my friend Angel back in 200 or 2001.. I can't remember. (and she was anything BUT an Angel.. crazy fucking bitch.. and NOT in a good way..another story for another time) Anyhow.. she had met him, went out with him once and they didn't click but she thought him and I would have better luck. So.. a few weeks later we arranged for him and I to meet at my place. Angel was there since she was the common denominator and he brought a friend along to meet her. Things turned out good and we were all pleased. (*side note, Angel and The Trainers friend only lasted 2 wks lol)
The Trainer and I swapped numbers and talked about getting together again... minus the others. For about 2 wks or so, we talked on the phone and online alot. We tried to make plans but neither schedules permitted. Finally we set a date for dinner and a movie for the following Friday night. Dinner was fun, movie was good and yes.. we eventually hooked up.
Now.. it's 10 yrs later. We've tried to have a 'relationship' throughout this whole time but every time things went bad. Most of the time it was b/c things would start being really good and he'd just disappear for days sometimes weeks and i'd never hear from him. Then he'd call me or IM me or text me whatever and act like nothing happened. I'd go off on him for it.. stop talking to him for awhile but I always seemed to come back. Things would be good for a while... go bad.. it was a cycle. 10 yrs of cycles but for whatever reason I kept coming back. We never actually had a real 'relationship' since the 1st try but we would hook up. During all of this he would tell me how much he cared for me, that I never really told him what I wanted so he really couldn't take all the blame. Which is true, I never actually sat down and told him how I felt or what I was expecting. He was under the assumption, after the 1st time we tried and failed, that I didn't want anything more than a friends with benefits type thing.
I'll admit.. I did use him whenever I wanted to get laid and I wasn't already seeing someone. I've always known that no matter when I'd text him and ask him if he was free.. no matter what he was doing, he would drop it and make time for me.
For the past year now, though I haven't seen him, we have talked on the phone, texted, and IMed more frequently. He's asked me to go away with him for a long weekend to this cabin he was going to rent. He's asked me to go on a cruise with him. Each time telling me I didn't have to pay for anything, it was all on his dime. Each time I declined. His schedule has been super busy, he's in college for pre-med and frankly.. I just hadn't wanted or needed to see him.
More recently, he's been giving me hypothetical situations or questions. Like.. if we were to move in together, where would I want to live? His current house or get a new one? Things like that. I wouldn't live in his house. It's old and in a part of town that I would NEVER live in. (lot of crime.. hell his car has been stolen 3 times since this past Dec.) I answer his questions honestly, as best I can.
Now... well.. I'm torn. He's been telling me again how much he likes me. How he feels that we are 'meant to be together' b/c we always come back to eachother. He gives me reasons why he feels that way and how I make him feel. Sometimes he won't even say much when he IM's me.. just a "I miss you, heard this song and it made me think of you" The latest song IM like that was just a few nights ago. The song was 'Where You Are' by Gavin Degraw. If you have never heard it, check it out on youtube. Try to get the 1 with lyrics on screen so you can read the words. It's a really beautiful song.
Again.. I'm torn. A part of me never in a million years thought I'd get serious with him. There's 1 big problem. He's black. I don't care.. obviously.. but my family will. OHHH it would be like World War 3 if I told them I was going to marry a black guy. Not only would my parents and brother freak, but my grandparents would too. Freak is an understatement but you get the picture. I know.. I know.. it's my life but would I.. AM I willing to lose pretty much my whole family for him? No. Sad, but true.
I just don't know what to do. I know what he wants. He doesn't just want friends with benefits. He doesn't want to just date. He wants to eventually get married and settle down. With ME.
It was him that showed me that a man doesn't have to be huge to satisfy. It was him that showed me that gentle sex can be good too. It was with him that I learned to like snuggling.
Ugh.. I just don't know what to do.
I agreed to have lunch with him this Wednesday. It's been forever since we've actually seen each other and hung out. I can't even remember when the last time was that when we were near each other that we weren't there just to have sex.. maybe it was back when I first met him? Idk. Will we run out of things to talk about being in person? Will it be awkward? I just don't know.. but I guess we'll find out. I hope he doesn't try to get all handsy with me.. cus I'd hate to have to knock him out in the middle of a restaurant lol
So.. what do yall think? Should I tell him we should only stay friends with benefits? Should we just be friends only? Should I see where it goes with him and cross the other bridges when they come? Opinions please!
10 comments:
I read the blog (obviously ha ha) but do not remember the trainer.
I get that some people still are racist or whatever but would they really disown you?
I mean, what is your track record with white men.
Don't they care more about your happiness rather than the color of your skin? Mixed race babies are the cutest things ever.
He was only mentioned once during a post about Eye Candy I think it was. I'll eventually write about him.... eventually lol
No, I don't think they'd actually disown me. I do think it would cause probelms though. B/c the last blk guy I actually dated beat the piss out of me. It's been about 6 yrs and I still a spot on the front of my neck that never went away from him choking me. After that, they were all "NO MORE BLK GUYS! EVER!".
The white guys I've dated never laid a hand on me. While they might not have been the best boyfriends, they weren't bad guys.
My grandparents still refer to blk ppl as "n's". They don't call them blk, colored or anything that nice and my grandma is always making racist comments about how they're dumb and good for nothing, etc. Telling my grandparents that I would be dating a blk guy.. not to mention marry 1.. they would flip more than my parents would.
I agree. Mixed race babies are beautiful! Look at all the famous mixed race ppl, they're all gorgeous! I'd love to have a baby that has a beautiful skin tone, green eyes, dark curly hair instead of my pasty white complexion lol.
Oh and come on now.. this is my mom we're talking about.. what do YOU think?? lol Do you really believe she always thinks about my happiness over anything else?.....
Here is my 2 cents...I think you need to find out what he really wants (even though you already know). It wouln't be fair to him to continue to be friends w/benefits. If he is ready to find THE ONE. You being his "friend" would hinder him from doing that. If you really want whats best for him you have to decide what you want and tell him straight out. I think if you really loved him you could show your family he's a good guy. I'm sure your grandparents will never change, but your parents might come around. They accepted your bitch SIL right? If you really love him, try to make it work. If not, let him go.
See where i live we don't have many black people, so it is the white/native people that are so abusive. The ones you met may not have laid a hand on you but many, many have. It sucks though that you got abused by anyone :(
Ah, grandparents can be fun, mine are pretty racist about native people but i don't think i would be disowned lol. Would they ever get to know someone (or your parents) if you dated him for a while before telling any of them & he treated you very well?
Ha ha, ya i know, unfortunately, but that IS what they should be thinking of.
Joangel: Thanks for the advice. You're right.. it will be very selfish of me to string him along by being friends w/ benefits if I don't want anything more and he does. The part where you said if I really loved him I could show my family he's a good guy. That really made me think b/c if I really DID love him and want something more.. would I be worried about it? If I really loved him I'd be all ready for a relationship with him and not wonder what I want,.. right? Wouldn't I just be happy that he felt the same way and wouldn't worry about anything else?
Sweetcanadian: I don't know if they would accept him even if they got to know him. I really just dk. My parents know OF him, just never met him. I have to say.. he's not the typical 'black' guy tho so maybe that would help. He doesn't sling drugs, has never actually even taken drugs or drank. He's really career motivated and isn't some slacker. Maybe it's also been the quality of the type of blk guy i've brought home that has made them feel so strongly about it. Idk. I guess I really just have some soul searching to do.
Thanks for your imput guys! I'll let you know how things go with our lunch date. Though I just have this feeling he's gonna back out or come late or something. (which will TOTALLY piss me off) Idk why.. just a feeling I have.
I disagree with the love thing J, the whole family thing might have put a hinderence on you to even really think about giving it a shot before so you haven't let yourself get to that place. I firmly believe love grows from a relationship, not from a f/benefits thing that you haven't given much further thought into.
G & i were not even going to date, we were only going to be friends but by hanging out consistently that changed.
If he hasn't had the issues that most people you have been around have then it will probably help. Not doing drugs or drinking is HUGE, HUGE when it comes to relationships, those seem to be common factors nowadays for abuse & money issues. If he has a good career & could provide decently for you & treat you good i am sure your parents would come around.
As for your grandparents they will probably never change but at the same time don't you think it is time you settled down with someone decent who treats you good? You can try it on the sly for a while & find out how you FEEL about him before deciding any further. If you develop the feelings you need too then i wouldn't worry about them too too much, not that you don't love them but one day they will be gone & if you are miserable because you passed up the opportunity with someone great & that never came back around how would you feel then? Sometimes it is hard to look at the bigger picture.
I hope he shows up for your lunch date so you can see where to go from there.
I hope what i said makes sense & gives you some food for thought. It is your life & ultimately your decision, i do agree with letting him go completely if you will never have those feelings but if you have been f/benefits for 10 years don't you think they are already there but hidden? Otherwise you would have cut him loose long ago......
You're right.. they may have put a hinderance on me. I also think our past history might be doing that as well. It was like.. every time we started to get close, start seeing more of each other, he'd pull back and disappear for a bit. God that would piss me off. It made me feel that he was only interested b/c I was someone he had to chase.. and once I gave in, he wasn't interested anymore. Then I'd stop talking to him completely for a yr or so and it would start all over.
Maybe I do have my feelings hidden for for but..if he were to ask me right now to marry him.. I'd say no. As of right now.. I can't see myself married to him. I can't even close my eyes and picture a future together with him... other than being my back burner type of thing. Someone to call when I want some action and am single. Someone I know that I could call last min., come over.. get busy and leave again. No strings, no hard feelings.. at least on my end.
I will try to keep my head clear, but as of right now I would feel like I was settling. That sounds harsh, doesn't it... ?
Damn my instincts are good!!
So I hadn't heard from him at all yesterday and he just IM'd me a few min ago saying how excited he was about seeing me today.
When I orginally made these plans, I told him I could do noon b/c at 2 I had to pick up my dad at the airport. He said noon was good.
Now, he's saying that he has an appt. to go get a B12 shot at noon and he could get in right away or it could take up to 30 min. So.. now he wants to bump it back to 12:30. Do I have a right to be pissed? I think so. I dk when he made the appt.. before I said yes to lunch or after. But either way.. wtf!! If he had the appt already, he should have said so.. if he didn't.. he shouldn't have made it at the same time.
He doesn't really know I'm pissed. All I said was nevermind.. some other time. But I think he caught on b/c then he said he would cancel his appt. I told him not to.. just go to the appt, we'd do it some other time. I really knew then that he knew something was up b/c he called me out on disappearing and ignoring him like I've done in the past when he's done something like this to me before.
This next time.. when we make plans.. I'm going to tell him. NO changes! No being late. If you can't be there ON TIME then just forget everything.
This is the shit he'd pull on me all the time before. LIke 1 night.. we made plans to hang out at my house since my parents were gone for the week. He said he'd be over after class got out.. which was at 9pm. By 1030 I still hadn't heard from him, so i texted him. He said he had stopped at home, then ran over to a buddies house for a few and that he'd be leaving soon. SOON!!?? I went off on his ass. He eventually showed up an hr after that and I went off on his ass again.
He makes all these claims.. but when it comes down to it.. he's always late.. I HATE that. If I was so important to him.. if he really couldn't wait to see me.. blah blah blah.. that he'd actually be on TIME for things?? UGH!!
I dk if I will give him another shot. I'm that pissed.
that would definately piss me off too. If he is as serious as he says then why would he blow you off?
I really dk but its old. yea he offered to cancel the appt. but it was more the point than the time. we would still have had dan hr to eat... I still could have made it but at that point i didnt even want to go.
Its shit like this that makes me feel like im not important to him...
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