Bored...

O.K.... so I am officially bored with my life. Bored with everything. I have about 1000 channels to watch, but am bored with T.V. I have 4 different textbooks I should be reading for classes yet don't want to do that either, they bore me. I just feel so overwhelmed at the moment yet bored at the same time. Is that even possible? It's like I'm in a rut and I see the ladder to get out, but there's this invisable wall blocking me to get to the ladder!!

I have approximately 7 wks left until I finish my BA degree and some days it feels more like 7 years. It's like the end is so near yet so far away. I'm getting a little anxious now. Not just because of my final finals, though they are worrying me and graduating with high honors, but more b/c it means it'll be time for me to find a job. Which, right now, the way the economy is going I dk if i'll be ABLE to find a job.

I just want out of this crummy state. It's hot, it's crowded, it's full of people that need jobs just as bad as I do with as much luck as I'm having finding one. Don't get me wrong, I COULD get a job flipping burgers or something, but I don't want to do that anymore. I want a 'career', not a job. No offense towards the ones that do that, it's just not what I want for myself. God, I would LOOOVVEE to win the lottery!! I already know what I'd do with all that money!

I just want a change of scenery! I want to be out of the hoooottt!! But then again, I'm deathly afraid of driving in the snow! (guess i'm never happy, huh?)

I wish I was a kid again. There are so many things I'd do differently.

On another maybe-positive-maybe-not note... I think I might be pregnant! Don't get me wrong, I want to have kids. But right now isn't a good time AT ALL!! First and foremost, I'm single. The would-be father isn't in the picture, never really was. It was a chance meeting, a frenzied coupling that happened 1 night. I've known him for over 10 years, but he moved away a long time ago and I happened to run into him while I was out of town on vacation in Feb. We made plans to get together before I returned home. 1 thing led to another.. dinner.. drinks.. tussling around in a hotel room.. then he was gone. It was very irresponsible of both of us. He didn't want any more kids, I'm in college with no means to support myself.. he lives 1200 miles away... you get the picture. Not to mention that my folks are 'old fashioned' in the sense that they think ppl should be married before they have kids (Personally, I believe that too.) and they will FREAK OUTTTTTTTTT!!! But after years and years of being told that if I could EVEN concieve, I'd have a REALLY hard time doing it without fertility pills. Now, Doctors CAN and HAVE been wrong about a lot of things, are they wrong about me? I hope so cus I do eventually want kids. But the main question here is.. am I or am I not? Are they wrong? I would love to have a baby.. but would having one now set me back career wise? If I am.. I am most definately keeping it! That's not even a question. But do I tell the father? I'll probably never see him again anyway and the communication between the 2 of us has fizzled a great deal in the past few months. Hmm.. I know it might be wrong, but I don't think I'd tell him and it's purely selfish reasons too. If he did know and wanted to have visitations, then I would have to ship my baby off to another state and not be able to be there too. I just couldn't do that. No way could I let my baby out of my sight like that. Having family babysit is 1 thing, at least I'm sit in the same town, but to go that far?! NO! And he's already told me that he would never move back down here, so there goes that. Well, enough of the worrying about something I can't change and don't even know if there's anything to worry about. I'm gonna get a test within the next few days and find out! I'm sure you're sitting there reading this and going.. damn.. it's been since Feb and she doesn't know!? How could she not know? Well 1st, I have 'cycle' issues (girls, i'm sure you know what I mean) so I don't get it regularly. 2nd, I took a test back in March or April and it was negative, but that doesn't mean anything. Lately, I've just been having weird symptoms that i've never had or at least noticed before. I am constantly tired yet all I want to do is sleep. I sleep about 12 hrs a night, if not more. I get dizzy at least once a day and in just the past 3 wks, I get nauseated at night. At 1st, it was an all day thing. Felt so sick like I needed to puke but wouldn't. I've never ever suffered from indigestion, didn't even know what it felt like, but going on 3 wks now that's all I feel. I had to ask someone what it was!! Hahaha! Then came the weird itching. Started on the bottom of my feet, then my palms. I had no idea why so I searched online. Other than the obvious things like athletes foot it mentioned, which isn't what I have cus its on the arch of my foot and not anywhere else and is on both feet, it then said some women experience that while they are preggo b/c of the extra estrogen they're producing. ALSO! The one that I'm not sure of is.. I have this weird line that I just noticed (like I said.. JUST noticed.. so maybe it's been there all along and I never noticed before). It starts at my belly button and goes down about... 2-3 inches I guess. It's a light brown line. Could it have been there all along? I guess so.. but why am I just noticing it now?! So I also looked THAT up online. Apparently woman usually start getting that when they get into their 2nd trimester! WTF!? Now I'm getting a little nervous! But if I'm not preggo.. then why am I getting these symptoms?!? It totally sucks not having insurance!

Ok.. before I start hyperventilating.. I think I'm just gonna try to push this out of my mind for a few days, get the test then see if I have anything to worry about.
So.. wish me luck!! (luck for which one.. i'm not too sure about yet!) :)

Moving on?

So it's been about.... 2 months since I last spoke to my brother. Apparently he is holding this grudge a long time. Though I love my brother VERY much, I just can't keep giving in to him and his wife, taking all the responsibility for everything. It emotionally drains me and hurts me. I know I am not without my faults, but they have some too however, they refuse to take any responsibility for them. Always quick to blame others for everything. Quick to pass judgement on others. To criticize their so called 'friends' behind their backs. Making fun of them and calling their children degrading names, but all nice to their faces... inviting them over for parties and such. If I wasn't related to him, I wouldn't want to be their friend. As I sit and think about all the things I've heard them say about others, it makes me wonder what they say about me and my family behind our backs.

It's sad to say, but I feel that I no longer HAVE a brother. I lost him not 2 months ago, but 11 yrs ago when she walked into his life. I've kept my slience about how I feel... to him anyway. My family knows how I've felt about her for a long time now. I've kept quiet as to not cause any drama. I never wanted to stop speaking to my brother... but now!?? I guess I'd rather him gone then have to hear constantly that I'M the one that causes all the problems. Which, in a sense, kind of cracks me up. If it had been ANYONE else treating me this way from the begining, I would have gone off on them a LOOONNNGGGG time ago! Anyone who knows me knows that. But b/c it was HIS wife I never said anything... at least not to them. I'd vent to my friends or family when they were't around. I would have spat in her face if I could have a long long time ago! HA! Who am I kidding.. I would have hulled off and bitched slapped her! There have been MANY times I've wanted to do that. But, I never did. Many times have I wanted to tell her what a selfish bitch she is. But again.. never did.

Why can't people see her as she really is? Why can't HE see her as she really is? Not even 1 yr ago, him and I were driving to meet the parents for dinner, and the whole car ride he went on and on about what a total douchebag she is and how he can't stand her. But now??? Just cause I said that I didn't want to be around her anymore b/c I can't take her attitude, rude comments and constant outbursts, I'M THE HORRIBLE PERSON?!? WTF?! Does that make ANY sense what-so-ever? I mean.. I've never even told HIM how I felt about her. I knew that would make him mad/upset/pissed.. whatever and possibly make him not want to come around anymore. So I keep it to myself and still.. it happened anyway.



What do I do? Do I just sit back and wait and see how long it'll take him to come around? Do I just act like everything's fine? My family has tried to call him but he won't answer or call back.. STILL! So I'm not going to even bother trying too. I'm not going to email him cus I know all we'll do is fight anyway. So still.. what do I do? Am I now brotherless? UGH! I hate drama!!!! Our family never had drama until SHE came into the picture. Now.. the past 11 yrs have been NOTHING but drama!



God I really hate her......