Well, I finally broke down and made a Dr.'s appointment for tomorrow (today if you're reading this Fri). I just can't take the pain anymore. Some days are better than others.. but it's not actually better so I'm going.
Lately I've been feeling.. Idk just blah. Like.. I'll cry at the drop of a hat blah. I feel like I'm slipping into depression but Idk why. I've never been depressed before. I've been sad/depressed when a family member has died.. or when my dog died, but that's understandable. Idk if it's b/c of being in so much pain.. if that is making me feel this way or not.
Let me first say that I'm NOT suicidal AT ALLLLL.. but there are times where I honestly just sit and think.. 'hmmm.. life would be so much easier if I wasn't here". I don't think about over-dosing on pills, or cutting myself or anything like that. Just think about not being around anymore. I would not.. COULD not ever commit suicide. EVER. But some days I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't mean like I want to leave this town and start fresh somewhere else. I mean gone. POOF! See ya on the other side...
Fucked up to say.. but sometimes I wish I'd have like a massive heart attack and just go. Least then my family wouldn't be as upset as if I had done it to myself. It was medical.. nothing anyone could do. But I wouldn't want my family to suffer.. to hurt b/c I died. I know my mom and I don't get along some (alot) of the time, but I don't want her to hurt. Or my dad. My brother?? Eh.. I'm sure he'd be sad but I don't think it would linger with him like it would my parents or grandparents. I don't want that for them.. so.. here I am.. sad. Sad and crying......
There are days when I feel like a complete loser... like recently. Every. Single. Day. That I have failed in every way managable in my life. I'll be 34 yrs old this yr and I've never been married, never had kids.. hell I've never even really been in love!!! How pathetic is THAT?! I have resigned myself into believing that I will end up alone.... and that makes me sad. Just add another thing to the list......
I feel like my life is going nowhere. That I'm wasting my time in school and I don't even want to be there... which is true.. I don't.
It's almost like I have a little voice inside my head going down the list of reasons why I'm worthless. (No.. I don't actually HEAR voice.) But it's just IN there.. going.. 'well.. you failed at this.. you failed at that.. no one wants you.. never really has.. you're pathetic... you can't do anything right..' etc. etc.. etc..
As I'm writing this, I'm crying and I don't even know wtf I'm crying about!! UGH! I know it's not hormonal so it has to be the pain, right?? Right?!?!?
If this is what pain does to ppl.. now I honestly understand why some ppl have done the medically induced suicides. I could never understand it before, but if I had to live like this for YEEARRASS, like my Uncle did, then yea.. I'd probably consider it too. And I'm sure my pain is nothing compared to a cancer patient, or some other really sad and horrible disease.
It really does suck.
Big Time.
I'm gonna go cry in bed now.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Catching Up
O.K.. so this is gonna be another long post. Sorry! (or you're welcome.. depends on how you look at it lol) And this is only 1 part of the catching up I have to do lol. I'll post again soon.. PROMISE! (if you care anyway)
So my parents had met with my bro and BIL awhile back and it ended on a good note. So for Easter, my mom decided to make my nieces little Easter baskets. She called my bro and asked if he could swing by on that Fri to pick them up. He said he was about to call to ask dad if he'd like to go to a gun show on Sat. cus he was in the market for a new gun (Yes.. we are a gun loving family lol) and also, BIL was planning on coming over on Easter Sunday.
News to us!! She has NEVER made any attempt to come over. We've ALWAYS been the ones asking, but my mom had given up and honestly didn't even want to bother with her. She just wanted the girls to have the Easter baskets. Anyhow.... mom told him dad was interested in going to gun show and to let her know for sure about Sunday.
As soon as I heard that.. immediately my chest got tight, my blood pressure rose and I squinted my eyes, as I often do when I'm starting to get really pissed. I did not want to deal with this bitch. I mentally ran thru a dozen ways to get out of seeing them. I knew I would be expected to be nice to BIL and I was over that. I shouldn't HAVE to be nice to ANYONE who's done and said the things she has to me. My mom knew that look though. That look of "oh HELL no" on my face.
She waited a bit before talking to me about it, which I appreciate b/c we both know how I get when I'm pissed and start thinking of BIL. However, my mom surprised me. She told me that no.. I don't have to be 'nice' to her. I can just avoid her the whole time. If she directly speaks to me, answer, but don't engage in conversation. If I give 1 word answers then leave the room, thats fine. If she starts her normal shit, I can say whatever. If BIL brings up that she wants to speak to me about the past and whatever else, to take her either outside if everyone is inside or vice versa, but to also have my dad there as a witness. That way nothing I do or do not say can be mixed up later... and also.. if my tempter starts to get the better of me, my dad will at least be level-headed enough to tell me to walk away before I hit her. (they know me wwaaayy too well lol).
To say the day went well is an understatement. I tried to avoid BIL as much as possible. For the 1st hr. they were here, she didn't even know I was there. I heard her ask my mom if I was, cus she wanted to say hi... my mom told her I was out back smoking. She came out anyway, sat down across from me while I was playing on my laptop, and was all "hi!! How are you?!!?" I just stared at her for a min. before I answered. That surely wasn't what I had expected. I answered 'Fine, thanks." and went back to playing my game. She then started rambling on about.. oh I really dont know what cus I started to tune her out.. but whatever.
Then she started laying on the compliments. How nice my hair looked, how clear and smooth my skin was.. blah blah blah and she was talking a mile a min. I could tell she was nervous and I was enjoying watching her fidget. After about 15 min, sad to say, I forgot I was supposed to be ignoring her and ended up having a 30 min. conversation. It was nice. It was pleasant. It wasn't the same BIL that I have known for the last 13 yrs.
My parents told me that when they all met up a few months ago that she was different, but I didn't believe them. Said she was on some new pills and they were really working this time.. again.. didn't believe them. And I still wouldn't had I not seen it for myself. She wasn't rude, pushy, mouthy, nothing!! I was shocked. Now I'm not saying she's my new best friend. I'm not saying that I now look forward to being around her. All I'm saying is this time I didn't feel the need to rip off her face and shove it up her ass.
I hadn't seen my nieces since the older 1 (VAL) was 7 and the younger 1 (MEL) was 2. They are now 10 (will be 11 in July) and 5. When VAL was younger, she was kinda bratty and whiny and moody. I can't stand kids like that so I never really enjoyed being around her. Now though? I love it! She has a really cool sense of humor, we like the same music, some T.V. shows and we can giggle at the silliest things. I had so much fun with her that day. MEL tho.... ugh.. that child is crazy. I don't mean crazy in a hyper, funny kind of way. No.. she's like 10x's worse than VAL EVER was. The epitome of brat. I seriously wanted to yank her by her arm and spank her like 10 times that day. She throws fits when she doesn't get her way, she tattles on VAL if she won't give her something she was using cus MEL wants it and of course gets her way. She has to be the center of attention or she will start having a temper tantrum. She demands things instead of asking for them. I seriously wanted to smack her. I hope she grows out of it. I would really like to enjoy hanging with her too. She has a totally different personality than VAL does. VAL is a bookworm. She loves to draw (is quiet good at it. Her stuff has been on display at national book stores as well as local art shows), and is really mellow. She isn't the adventurist type, but hey.. neither am I. MEL.. that girl would jump feet first into a pit of rabid pythons just to see what would happen. (IS there such a thing as a rabid python?? idk) Girl has NO fear! She likes to get her hands dirty.. do 'boy' things like helping my bro. change the oil, work on cars, etc. So they've got the studious one and the tomboy lol. She would be much more fun if she just changed her attitude.. which I completely blame the parents for but whatever.
So yea.. Easter was great. Until later that night.
Since VAL is so afraid of dogs, we moved them into the office.. crates and all. After they left, mom was rearranging family room to make room for crates again while I went to get them from the spare bedroom. Our hallway and bedrooms have carpet, but the rest of the house has hardwood floors. I was carrying the 1st 45lb crate back into the family room.... wearing socks.. on a newly polished wooden floor. I had 1 foot on carpet.. put the other on the wood flooring.. and thats when I involuntarily became a contortionist. The right lower half of my body stayed still, the left side took a dive to the back, I lost balance of the crate which slammed my top half into the door frame and I ended up in this weird ass split like thing.. except my right foot never moved. So it was more like.. my right knee bent, helping me to fall, as my left leg slid behind me resulting in some fucked up form of a split while the 45lb crate shoved me like it was pissed at me into the wall. I sat there for a min like WTF just happened?? Then as, I was untangling myself I started laughing. I'm not the most graceful person EVER.. so falling isn't abnormal for me. My mom poked her head in and saw me under the crate and was like ...'umm.. J?? You O.K.?? I heard a yelp then a bang...' I'm laughing too hard to try to explain WTF just happened so I just tried to pick myself up. It didn't hurt, so I brushed it off.. (took my socks off) and went back for the other crate. Lesson learned! No socks on polished wood.
Then I woke up the next morning. Moving my legs caused a horrible piercing pain to shoot to my lower back. The kind of pain that takes your breath away and causes tears to form. After about 10 min. I was finally able to move again. I had to do this whole body roll deal. In 1 slow, smooth motion, as if I was being rolled to be put on a paramedic board, I rolled until I was close to the edge then did the same thing to get into a sitting position. Slowly I took the step forward to stand. Bad idea. I didn't even get 1/2 up when my lower back said "HAHAH bitch! I don't think so!!" and I feel back onto the bed. I grabbed my cell and called my mom.. who thankfully was home.. and asked her to come help me.
Since then, there are days when it's been O.K., there have been days when I dont think I could life my legs to even shuffle. I've had my friend, who is a masseuse and does house calls, to come a few times. After she leaves I feel good, but it doesn't last long. By the next morning I'm back to stiff again. It's now May 1st and the past few days have been the worst. I dont want to go back to the chiro b/c well.. it didn't feel like he was helping. But the pain is getting baaddd. So bad that the pain is now radiating towards the front of my body. My hips in the front now ache like crazy and hurt to be touched in anyway. Even to wear pants.. lower back hurts as well as front hips and my legs feel super weak. To stand, I have to have lean on something otherwise it just doesn't happen.... I fall.
I'd like to return my spine and exchange it for a new and improved one please. Thank you.
So my parents had met with my bro and BIL awhile back and it ended on a good note. So for Easter, my mom decided to make my nieces little Easter baskets. She called my bro and asked if he could swing by on that Fri to pick them up. He said he was about to call to ask dad if he'd like to go to a gun show on Sat. cus he was in the market for a new gun (Yes.. we are a gun loving family lol) and also, BIL was planning on coming over on Easter Sunday.
News to us!! She has NEVER made any attempt to come over. We've ALWAYS been the ones asking, but my mom had given up and honestly didn't even want to bother with her. She just wanted the girls to have the Easter baskets. Anyhow.... mom told him dad was interested in going to gun show and to let her know for sure about Sunday.
As soon as I heard that.. immediately my chest got tight, my blood pressure rose and I squinted my eyes, as I often do when I'm starting to get really pissed. I did not want to deal with this bitch. I mentally ran thru a dozen ways to get out of seeing them. I knew I would be expected to be nice to BIL and I was over that. I shouldn't HAVE to be nice to ANYONE who's done and said the things she has to me. My mom knew that look though. That look of "oh HELL no" on my face.
She waited a bit before talking to me about it, which I appreciate b/c we both know how I get when I'm pissed and start thinking of BIL. However, my mom surprised me. She told me that no.. I don't have to be 'nice' to her. I can just avoid her the whole time. If she directly speaks to me, answer, but don't engage in conversation. If I give 1 word answers then leave the room, thats fine. If she starts her normal shit, I can say whatever. If BIL brings up that she wants to speak to me about the past and whatever else, to take her either outside if everyone is inside or vice versa, but to also have my dad there as a witness. That way nothing I do or do not say can be mixed up later... and also.. if my tempter starts to get the better of me, my dad will at least be level-headed enough to tell me to walk away before I hit her. (they know me wwaaayy too well lol).
To say the day went well is an understatement. I tried to avoid BIL as much as possible. For the 1st hr. they were here, she didn't even know I was there. I heard her ask my mom if I was, cus she wanted to say hi... my mom told her I was out back smoking. She came out anyway, sat down across from me while I was playing on my laptop, and was all "hi!! How are you?!!?" I just stared at her for a min. before I answered. That surely wasn't what I had expected. I answered 'Fine, thanks." and went back to playing my game. She then started rambling on about.. oh I really dont know what cus I started to tune her out.. but whatever.
Then she started laying on the compliments. How nice my hair looked, how clear and smooth my skin was.. blah blah blah and she was talking a mile a min. I could tell she was nervous and I was enjoying watching her fidget. After about 15 min, sad to say, I forgot I was supposed to be ignoring her and ended up having a 30 min. conversation. It was nice. It was pleasant. It wasn't the same BIL that I have known for the last 13 yrs.
My parents told me that when they all met up a few months ago that she was different, but I didn't believe them. Said she was on some new pills and they were really working this time.. again.. didn't believe them. And I still wouldn't had I not seen it for myself. She wasn't rude, pushy, mouthy, nothing!! I was shocked. Now I'm not saying she's my new best friend. I'm not saying that I now look forward to being around her. All I'm saying is this time I didn't feel the need to rip off her face and shove it up her ass.
I hadn't seen my nieces since the older 1 (VAL) was 7 and the younger 1 (MEL) was 2. They are now 10 (will be 11 in July) and 5. When VAL was younger, she was kinda bratty and whiny and moody. I can't stand kids like that so I never really enjoyed being around her. Now though? I love it! She has a really cool sense of humor, we like the same music, some T.V. shows and we can giggle at the silliest things. I had so much fun with her that day. MEL tho.... ugh.. that child is crazy. I don't mean crazy in a hyper, funny kind of way. No.. she's like 10x's worse than VAL EVER was. The epitome of brat. I seriously wanted to yank her by her arm and spank her like 10 times that day. She throws fits when she doesn't get her way, she tattles on VAL if she won't give her something she was using cus MEL wants it and of course gets her way. She has to be the center of attention or she will start having a temper tantrum. She demands things instead of asking for them. I seriously wanted to smack her. I hope she grows out of it. I would really like to enjoy hanging with her too. She has a totally different personality than VAL does. VAL is a bookworm. She loves to draw (is quiet good at it. Her stuff has been on display at national book stores as well as local art shows), and is really mellow. She isn't the adventurist type, but hey.. neither am I. MEL.. that girl would jump feet first into a pit of rabid pythons just to see what would happen. (IS there such a thing as a rabid python?? idk) Girl has NO fear! She likes to get her hands dirty.. do 'boy' things like helping my bro. change the oil, work on cars, etc. So they've got the studious one and the tomboy lol. She would be much more fun if she just changed her attitude.. which I completely blame the parents for but whatever.
So yea.. Easter was great. Until later that night.
Since VAL is so afraid of dogs, we moved them into the office.. crates and all. After they left, mom was rearranging family room to make room for crates again while I went to get them from the spare bedroom. Our hallway and bedrooms have carpet, but the rest of the house has hardwood floors. I was carrying the 1st 45lb crate back into the family room.... wearing socks.. on a newly polished wooden floor. I had 1 foot on carpet.. put the other on the wood flooring.. and thats when I involuntarily became a contortionist. The right lower half of my body stayed still, the left side took a dive to the back, I lost balance of the crate which slammed my top half into the door frame and I ended up in this weird ass split like thing.. except my right foot never moved. So it was more like.. my right knee bent, helping me to fall, as my left leg slid behind me resulting in some fucked up form of a split while the 45lb crate shoved me like it was pissed at me into the wall. I sat there for a min like WTF just happened?? Then as, I was untangling myself I started laughing. I'm not the most graceful person EVER.. so falling isn't abnormal for me. My mom poked her head in and saw me under the crate and was like ...'umm.. J?? You O.K.?? I heard a yelp then a bang...' I'm laughing too hard to try to explain WTF just happened so I just tried to pick myself up. It didn't hurt, so I brushed it off.. (took my socks off) and went back for the other crate. Lesson learned! No socks on polished wood.
Then I woke up the next morning. Moving my legs caused a horrible piercing pain to shoot to my lower back. The kind of pain that takes your breath away and causes tears to form. After about 10 min. I was finally able to move again. I had to do this whole body roll deal. In 1 slow, smooth motion, as if I was being rolled to be put on a paramedic board, I rolled until I was close to the edge then did the same thing to get into a sitting position. Slowly I took the step forward to stand. Bad idea. I didn't even get 1/2 up when my lower back said "HAHAH bitch! I don't think so!!" and I feel back onto the bed. I grabbed my cell and called my mom.. who thankfully was home.. and asked her to come help me.
Since then, there are days when it's been O.K., there have been days when I dont think I could life my legs to even shuffle. I've had my friend, who is a masseuse and does house calls, to come a few times. After she leaves I feel good, but it doesn't last long. By the next morning I'm back to stiff again. It's now May 1st and the past few days have been the worst. I dont want to go back to the chiro b/c well.. it didn't feel like he was helping. But the pain is getting baaddd. So bad that the pain is now radiating towards the front of my body. My hips in the front now ache like crazy and hurt to be touched in anyway. Even to wear pants.. lower back hurts as well as front hips and my legs feel super weak. To stand, I have to have lean on something otherwise it just doesn't happen.... I fall.
I'd like to return my spine and exchange it for a new and improved one please. Thank you.
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