Another random ramble

Ok.. so who has ever used the expression "God! I want to slap the shit out of you!!"??

It's an expression, right? Yea, thats what I thought too.

Let me explain first. So, finally after a few years my bro and his wife have finally decided to sit down with my parents and talk things out. Of course, just like last time, I wasn't 'allowed' to join. They met at a local park earlier today and, as far as what my parents said, everything is fine between them all now.

I asked my mom to ask my brothers wife WHY she doesn't like me. She said it's not that she doesn't like me, it's that she's not comfortable around me. When asked why, she said my brother showed her a text or whatever where I said I wanted to slap the shit out of her. Apparently my brother didn't show her the WHOLE conversation and now she says she's afraid to be around me b/c I might do her physical harm. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!

The whole conversation that she DIDN'T get to see was about 1 day when I went over to her house to pick up something and my brother was at work. She was pregnant with my youngest neice, and she's going on and on about how she can't even afford to buy diapers or anything else for the baby b/c my brother won't stop spending. How b/c of his spending, their baby won't have anything, blah blah blah. So when I get home, I send my bro. a msg and tell him what she said and that she pissed me off. She should know better than to talk shit about someone to their own family member and how I wanted to slap the shit out of her for talking bad about him. But apparently she didn't see any of that.

So my parents come back from their meeting today and is all.. you need to be the bigger person and move on from the past. She doesn't remember saying any of the things she said to you in the past and well.. since she's bipolar, thats 1 of the side effects. She can't help it.. you have a choice. You can either move on or hold a grudge and not see your brother.

How fair is that?? So just b/c she CLAIMS she hasn't said shit to me, I'm supposed to just deal with it? Oh.. BUT she can remember all this shit (she made up in her head) that I've done to her, but she can't remember a single thing she's done to me and I'm supposed to just 'DEAL'? Am supposed to just 'move on'? How can I even DO that when I haven't even been given the chance to talk things out with her? Why is it that it was O.K. for my parents to hold shit against her until they talked it all out, but I'm not given that chance and just have to do it? I don't think so.

My parents can't understand why I'm so mad. My mom basically called me a bitch today when I got mad at what she told me. I had asked my mom to address some things that his wife has said/done to me on my behave, but did she? No. My mom said she didn't want it to feel like they were ganging up on her. WHAT. THE. FUCK. EVER. How can you clear the air when you can't even talk about the shit that's making everything bad?? UGGHHH

Anyway, my mom asked her to sit down with me and talk, she said no, she wasn't comfortable doing that. But my mom tells me I need to email her. WTF FOR?! She doesn't to talk to me, I'm fine with that. I don't like and never will. She won't apologize for the shit from the past b/c 'she can't remember doing that'... so how can I move on? I know I'm probably being stubborn but fuck.... she needs to take responsibility for her actions, whether she remembers them or not... that's not my problem. Her mental illness isn't my problem. What comes out of her mouth sometimes is offensive and I shouldn't have to just turn the other cheek b/c she can't control her mouth.

Am I wrong? Should I contact her?? I need advice people. B/c apparently talking to my parents isn't doing any good. I'm serious when I say I wish I could just get in my car and leave. Move away and not be bothered with ANY of them ever again. I'm over it. I'm over being the 1 getting blamed for everything. I'm over being told I need to be the bigger person and forgive and forget. I guess my feelings don't fucking count in this fucking family.

Emotionally stressed

Saturday

After I hung up with Johnny, I didn't feel like talking to or explaining anything to Amy so I never called her back. Instead I laid on the couch and watched boring TV shows. Around 530 my neighbor Angie and her sisters stopped by and we chatted for a bit but I still didn't feel like talking to anyone. I cut the visit short and went back to the couch. A little after 7 I heard the garage door open and new my parents were home. I had no idea how my mom would be feeling since my brother left that morning, but I hoped she would be in good spirits. I didn't want to cry any more and hoped that she wasn't either. I also hoped she didn't want to sit around and talk about it.

Lucky for me, she was still in 'wedding' mode and seemed some what happy. We chatted about the wedding, ate dinner and before long I was ready to go to sleep. I had had a long, stressfully emotional day and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. Thankfully, Johnny never called that night. A part of me didn't ever want to hear from him again, but a sadistic part of me wished we could work it out. That he was all talk and I had nothing to worry about. Never mind the fact that he was too old for me... it was just exciting that a man liked me. Not a boy.. but a man.

Sunday

The next morning I woke up feeling better than I had when I went to bed. Thoughts of my brother; how he was doing, what he was doing, where he was, kept me pretty occupied for most of the day. Amy called around noon to ask if I wanted to go to the mall with her, and possibly meet up with Tony and Johnny. I lied and said I couldn't, that my parents had already made plans for me for the day but to go without me and have fun. She said she'd call me later with details once she talked to Tony incase I wanted to show up anyway. As I hung up the phone, I wished for the thousandth time that I had hooked up with Tony instead of her.

My mom asked if I'd like to go with her to do some shopping and I thought that would give me something to do instead of sitting around the house wondering things I probably would never have an answer to. Of all the places she decides to go shopping???? The MALL!! The SAME mall where Amy, Tony and Johnny would be hanging out. I freaked. I couldn't run into them with her! She could NEVER meet them. I knew once she did, all hell would break loose. I had to think quick and try to get her to go to a different mall. One that I KNEW they wouldn't be at. So I picked a store that I was certain wasn't in that mall and asked to go to that store. Greatfully she agreed and I was in the clear.

I didn't return home until the evening and couldn't wait to show my dad all the things we bought. As soon as I walked in, my dad told me that Amy had called numerous times while I was gone and said it was 'really important' that I call her immediately. Figuring she was just having another diva, drama queen moment I didn't bother calling her back. Instead, I put on a mini-fashion show for my parents while we ate left overs. By 9pm I just wanted to crawl into bed and veg infront of the T.V. and that's exactly what I did. Told my parents that if anyone called for me to tell them I was in bed, that I'd call them the next day or I'd just see them at school.

Monday

My mom came in to wake me up for school and I seriously felt like I had been run over by a truck. Everything ached and I wanted to stay in bed. Unfortunately, my parents made me get up and ready for school anyway. As soon as Amy saw me in the hall by my locker at school she laid into me. "What hell, J!?!? I called you over and over and over and you never called me back!! It was important!!"

I looked away to roll my eyes at her Divaness...'Sorry. I was busy all day with my mom and when I finally got home all I wanted to do was go to sleep. What's going on?"

"Tony was in an accident! HE'S IN THE HOSPITAL!! It's bad, J. Really REALLLYYY bad.." she yelled at me.