Ok.. so who has ever used the expression "God! I want to slap the shit out of you!!"??
It's an expression, right? Yea, thats what I thought too.
Let me explain first. So, finally after a few years my bro and his wife have finally decided to sit down with my parents and talk things out. Of course, just like last time, I wasn't 'allowed' to join. They met at a local park earlier today and, as far as what my parents said, everything is fine between them all now.
I asked my mom to ask my brothers wife WHY she doesn't like me. She said it's not that she doesn't like me, it's that she's not comfortable around me. When asked why, she said my brother showed her a text or whatever where I said I wanted to slap the shit out of her. Apparently my brother didn't show her the WHOLE conversation and now she says she's afraid to be around me b/c I might do her physical harm. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!
The whole conversation that she DIDN'T get to see was about 1 day when I went over to her house to pick up something and my brother was at work. She was pregnant with my youngest neice, and she's going on and on about how she can't even afford to buy diapers or anything else for the baby b/c my brother won't stop spending. How b/c of his spending, their baby won't have anything, blah blah blah. So when I get home, I send my bro. a msg and tell him what she said and that she pissed me off. She should know better than to talk shit about someone to their own family member and how I wanted to slap the shit out of her for talking bad about him. But apparently she didn't see any of that.
So my parents come back from their meeting today and is all.. you need to be the bigger person and move on from the past. She doesn't remember saying any of the things she said to you in the past and well.. since she's bipolar, thats 1 of the side effects. She can't help it.. you have a choice. You can either move on or hold a grudge and not see your brother.
How fair is that?? So just b/c she CLAIMS she hasn't said shit to me, I'm supposed to just deal with it? Oh.. BUT she can remember all this shit (she made up in her head) that I've done to her, but she can't remember a single thing she's done to me and I'm supposed to just 'DEAL'? Am supposed to just 'move on'? How can I even DO that when I haven't even been given the chance to talk things out with her? Why is it that it was O.K. for my parents to hold shit against her until they talked it all out, but I'm not given that chance and just have to do it? I don't think so.
My parents can't understand why I'm so mad. My mom basically called me a bitch today when I got mad at what she told me. I had asked my mom to address some things that his wife has said/done to me on my behave, but did she? No. My mom said she didn't want it to feel like they were ganging up on her. WHAT. THE. FUCK. EVER. How can you clear the air when you can't even talk about the shit that's making everything bad?? UGGHHH
Anyway, my mom asked her to sit down with me and talk, she said no, she wasn't comfortable doing that. But my mom tells me I need to email her. WTF FOR?! She doesn't to talk to me, I'm fine with that. I don't like and never will. She won't apologize for the shit from the past b/c 'she can't remember doing that'... so how can I move on? I know I'm probably being stubborn but fuck.... she needs to take responsibility for her actions, whether she remembers them or not... that's not my problem. Her mental illness isn't my problem. What comes out of her mouth sometimes is offensive and I shouldn't have to just turn the other cheek b/c she can't control her mouth.
Am I wrong? Should I contact her?? I need advice people. B/c apparently talking to my parents isn't doing any good. I'm serious when I say I wish I could just get in my car and leave. Move away and not be bothered with ANY of them ever again. I'm over it. I'm over being the 1 getting blamed for everything. I'm over being told I need to be the bigger person and forgive and forget. I guess my feelings don't fucking count in this fucking family.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
Emotionally stressed
Saturday
After I hung up with Johnny, I didn't feel like talking to or explaining anything to Amy so I never called her back. Instead I laid on the couch and watched boring TV shows. Around 530 my neighbor Angie and her sisters stopped by and we chatted for a bit but I still didn't feel like talking to anyone. I cut the visit short and went back to the couch. A little after 7 I heard the garage door open and new my parents were home. I had no idea how my mom would be feeling since my brother left that morning, but I hoped she would be in good spirits. I didn't want to cry any more and hoped that she wasn't either. I also hoped she didn't want to sit around and talk about it.
Lucky for me, she was still in 'wedding' mode and seemed some what happy. We chatted about the wedding, ate dinner and before long I was ready to go to sleep. I had had a long, stressfully emotional day and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. Thankfully, Johnny never called that night. A part of me didn't ever want to hear from him again, but a sadistic part of me wished we could work it out. That he was all talk and I had nothing to worry about. Never mind the fact that he was too old for me... it was just exciting that a man liked me. Not a boy.. but a man.
Sunday
The next morning I woke up feeling better than I had when I went to bed. Thoughts of my brother; how he was doing, what he was doing, where he was, kept me pretty occupied for most of the day. Amy called around noon to ask if I wanted to go to the mall with her, and possibly meet up with Tony and Johnny. I lied and said I couldn't, that my parents had already made plans for me for the day but to go without me and have fun. She said she'd call me later with details once she talked to Tony incase I wanted to show up anyway. As I hung up the phone, I wished for the thousandth time that I had hooked up with Tony instead of her.
My mom asked if I'd like to go with her to do some shopping and I thought that would give me something to do instead of sitting around the house wondering things I probably would never have an answer to. Of all the places she decides to go shopping???? The MALL!! The SAME mall where Amy, Tony and Johnny would be hanging out. I freaked. I couldn't run into them with her! She could NEVER meet them. I knew once she did, all hell would break loose. I had to think quick and try to get her to go to a different mall. One that I KNEW they wouldn't be at. So I picked a store that I was certain wasn't in that mall and asked to go to that store. Greatfully she agreed and I was in the clear.
I didn't return home until the evening and couldn't wait to show my dad all the things we bought. As soon as I walked in, my dad told me that Amy had called numerous times while I was gone and said it was 'really important' that I call her immediately. Figuring she was just having another diva, drama queen moment I didn't bother calling her back. Instead, I put on a mini-fashion show for my parents while we ate left overs. By 9pm I just wanted to crawl into bed and veg infront of the T.V. and that's exactly what I did. Told my parents that if anyone called for me to tell them I was in bed, that I'd call them the next day or I'd just see them at school.
Monday
My mom came in to wake me up for school and I seriously felt like I had been run over by a truck. Everything ached and I wanted to stay in bed. Unfortunately, my parents made me get up and ready for school anyway. As soon as Amy saw me in the hall by my locker at school she laid into me. "What hell, J!?!? I called you over and over and over and you never called me back!! It was important!!"
I looked away to roll my eyes at her Divaness...'Sorry. I was busy all day with my mom and when I finally got home all I wanted to do was go to sleep. What's going on?"
"Tony was in an accident! HE'S IN THE HOSPITAL!! It's bad, J. Really REALLLYYY bad.." she yelled at me.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Randomness
Ok.. so I know I've been seriously slacking on posts for this blog. All I can say is I'm sorry. I really don't have any excuse other than I just didn't feel like posting. I can't blame school for all of it, as I have had some breaks and could have written then. When I do have down time, I think "Ok.. I WILL post tomorrow", but tomorrow never comes.
I'm sorry! :(
This post.. as you can already see.. isn't going to be a continuation from the regular posts on here. It's just me venting and bullshitting about whats been going on with me lately. Sorry if I bore you. :)
So, we got new puppies back in April. They were 9 wks old.. yes.. I said they. We 'THOUGHT' it would be a good idea to get 2. At the time it sounded like a good idea anyway. They'd always have someone to play with, they'd never be lonely.. blah blah blah. WELL! Let me just tell you.. I feel like I have two 2 yr old twin children. I sometimes feel like they're ganging up on me and it's very overwhelming! Some times they are great.. other times I want to strangle them both! lol We finally decided to call in some professionals to help with some training since they are now 9 mo. old and some things are just getting out of hand. Tonight was the 1st visit... 4 hrs of training.. and it has already made a HUGE improvement! I highly recommend the company. It's called Bark Busters and they are currently in 8 countries. Yes.. COUNTRIES! Not states. They started in Australia and have since expanded and so far I can't say enough good about them! I can't wait til we have perfectly behaved dogs who walk great on a leash and don't try to rip my arm off!!! lol
Have any of you ever known someone who, as soon as you just think of them, you instantly get angry? Your heart starts to pound like crazy and you seriously get a surge of adreniline and have to fight the urge to wrap your hands around their neck and squeeze until their eyes pop out? Yea.. I have that. And she's called my sis-in-law.. or rather how I like to refer to her as my bitch-in-law. Just the thought of her and I instantly start to shake, my heart starts beating fast, my neck tenses up and my breathing changes. I wish I didn't hate her. I really wanted to have a sister-in-law whom I adored. Who would be like a 'real' sister to me. Someone to go shopping with, someone who was a friend, someone I could talk to, who I could relate to. But unfortunately I don't. I have a selfish, self-absorbed, narcisitic, bitch sister-in-law who thinks she's better than me and my family. Who makes up lies about me to my brother and he actually BELIEVES HER!! They have been married for.... 13 yrs I think?? And for the longest time I just bit my lip, turned the other cheek, let it all roll off my back b/c I was asked (by my parents) to just let it go and to keep peace in the family. Actually, at 1 point my mom told me to stop being such a bitch about things and that I was taking everything the wrong way. Well.. eventually they FINALLY saw her for what she really is, thankfully. So now I don't look like the bad guy to them.. just my brother now, and I hate that. Don't get me wrong. I can be a HUUGGEEE bitch! I have no problem getting in someone's face and telling them off. I fight dirty and will hit below the belt when pushed to my limit. BUT! I've NEVER done that to her. I've never confronted her about the things she has said or done to me. I have only made it clear to both my parents and my brother that I want nothing to do with her anymore. I don't want to see her, talk to her or deal with her in any way. I know I've bitched about her (them) in the past.. but it still really bugs me that I can't see my brother or neices b/c of her. B/c ever since I said that I didn't want anything to do with her, she has refused to let my brother or my neices have anything to do with us. Us as in.. my parents aren't allowed to see their own son and grandkids. A part of me feels bad b/c I feel like it's my fault. But the other part of me is like.. WHAT BITCH!? Just b/c I don't like you doesn't mean you should take it out on my parents! I've told all of them that if they want to come over with the kids, I will go hang out somewhere else, it's really not that big of a deal to me. Bitch-in-law still won't let my parents see any of them. Sadly, I really don't miss my neices at all. When my oldest neice was younger (the last time we saw her she was about 6 or 7.. she's 11 now) she was a brat and I really couldn't stand to be around her anyway. My youngest neice was only a baby so I really never got to know her.
My mom says I need to learn to forgive people more. But.. how do you forgive someone who believes they didn't do anything wrong and they keep doing the same things over and over or more? More insults, more jabs, more rude comments about me AND my family.. more everything?!? Why should my feelings not matter? Why should I have to subject myself to the verbal abuse just to keep peace?? How is that fair to me? And why is that selfish of ME to feel that way just b/c I don't want to be around someone to cuts me or my family down? Ughh.. she just makes my blood boil and even more so when my family tells me I should learn to be more accepting, understanding and forgiving of people!! Why can't people just be freakin' nice and if they don't have anything nice to say.. just don't fucking say anything!!!
Anyhoo!! I'm getting myself all worked up again so I need to change topics.
Have I mentioned I hate school? I hate the degree I'm getting, I hate the classes and I hate the professors. I got into a yelling match with my Tues. night professor b/c well.. he's an ass lol. We have a report due in a few weeks and the syllabus says it has to be 6-8 pages. Every week though, this dick keeps upping the pages. Most recently, he upped it to 20 pages! 20 FUCKING PAGES!! WHAT THE FUCK!! THIS ISN'T A DAMN THESIS YOU ASS! It's just a damn report! AND it's due in 3 weeks. I'm afraid to go to class next week.. will it be upped to 30 pages then?? What pisses me off even more is.. the rest of the time, he says the syllabus came from the University and he can't change anything when we bitch about all the homework and stuff we have to do. BUT! He can't change it NOW?!?! B/c HE wants to? What the fuck ever. He can bite me.
Next topic!
A few weeks ago my lower back started to ach a little bit. I blew it off figuring I slept funny or something. But it just kept getting worse and worse. I have always had back problems since I was a kid. I was diagnosed with scoliosis in 7th grade. Had the school not been doing tests for it, it would have never been found. It wasn't very noticable unless you were really looking for it and even then, as long as I had my shirt on and I wasn't trying to bend at the waist, you wouldn't see it. Then about 10-11 years ago I hurt my back. I won't go into details about that on this blog.. that's more for my 'other' blog (past lovers) lol. Anyway, as always I kept blowing it off. I'm not 1 that complains about aches and pains, nor do I usually take any pills for pain. I try to just deal with it. I hate taking pills and will usually try everything else 1st. Well, this pain was in my lower back and kept getting worse and worse. One night I was at my friends house and we had been sitting out by her pool smoking (yes.. pot.. it was a long time ago.. don't judge lol). Well I went to stand up and fell right to the floor in major pain. My left leg wouldn't work and at first I thought I had a damn stroke. (weed will make you think funking things.. again.. don't judge me lol).
Anyway, after we figured out that I did NOT have a stroke, she drug me to the car and took me to the ER. Many x-rays and MRI's later I was sent on my way with some pain killers and told to follow up with a specialist as they couldn't see anything wrong. I made an appointment with my old scoliosis Dr. for a few days later, grabbed my x-rays and was on my way. At the Dr's appointment I was informed that I had pinched my sciatic nerve (don't ask lol) and that was all. The Physician Assist. that I saw (since my Dr. was on vacation) mentioned in a way that sounded more like he was saying it's windy out, that it had nothing to do with my Spina Bifida. Umm wait a damn minute.. WHAT?! Who the hell has Spina Bifida? Not me.. couldn't be me. The only thing I knew about Spina Bifida was that it affected the spine (duh) and the only people I had EVER seen with it were wheelchair bound, handicapped and pretty much parapalegic. That wasn't me at all. I was too dazed to ask any questions and went on my way. I researched it when I got home and apparently there are 3 levels of it. I had the least severe. Basically my sacrum (the back side of your hip bone that covers your spine) never fused together before I was born. My sacrum looks like a puzzle piece and my spine in my lower back down to my tailbone is exposed. Only covered by skin pretty much. To say that I'm pretty damn lucky that I have never had an accident that hit me there and haven't been paralyzed b/c of it is an understatement. Who knew I had so many back issues? lol
Anyway.. so back to my current back issues. After over 2 wks of dealing with the pain, I tried to get out of bed 1 day and couldn't. My mom brought me a 'pain pill' she had, and swore it would help. I took it b/c that's how bad it was hurting. I drifted off to sleep in about 10 min. and had the weirdest dreams of my life. (flying cartoon dragons outside my window, making stakes to kill zombies out of popscicle sticks..) Yea.. I'm a lightweight when it comes to pills and apparently it made me hallucinate! About 5 hrs later I woke up and still felt like shit. Every time I tried moving either of my legs a severe white hot pain shot up my legs to my back that took my breath away. I asked my mom to call her chiropractor and set up an appt. ASAP. Luckily he's a good friend of my mom's and he could see me in 30 min. With help from her, I got up, got dressed and wabbled like an old women to the car. As soon as we walked in, he was ready for me and asked me to sit on a chair so he could eval me before doing anything. He touched the small of my back with 1 finger (no lie) and I shot up like the chair had burned my ass. (Who know I could move so fast?? I sure didn't lol). WELL! After a few more minutes of his horrible probing fingers, he hooked me up to some machine that looked like it came from outter space. Seriously people.. I thought I had left Earth and landed on some foreign planet and apes were going to jump out of the closet to inspect me. Was I hallucinating again? Uhh.. No. The machine really was that freaky.
So.. he read the results.. blah blah blah.. and informed me that the disk between my L5 and sacrum had slipped and is swollen to the size of a large grapefruit. Lovely. Just freakin' lovely. No wonder my shit hurts so bad! He said he was going to try to aleave some of the swelling before he put me on the tinge unit. I should of asked HOW he was going to do that BEFORE he tried doing it. Stupid me. He laid me down on those famous chiropractor beds, told me to relax and started to just rub my back. It was heaven! I was getting so relaxed I thought I was going to drift off to sleep. Then WHAM!! This motherfucker presses on the small of my back with all of his weight. My eyes shot open, I opened my mouth to scream but nothing came out, and I saw stars. I tried to roll off the little bed thingy but his body was pinning me down. When I was finally able to speak, "Sweet mother of god! WHAT THE FUCK! Get the hell off me asshole" was the 1st thing that flew out of my mouth. Of course, as soon as I said it I felt bad about it. He didn't intentionally hurt me.. but Christ all mighty it hurt like a son of a bitch! He went back to rubbing my back again, apologizing for hurting me.. yadda yadda yadda. It didn't matter... it still fucking hurt. He had to do it a few more times but at least I was prepared for it. When he was done he helped me up and put me on the tinge unit with an ice pack. That was lovely. Little electrical currents were shocking my muscles and the ice was freezing it. I had no pain. I left walking more like a human should and less like a caveman and I was happy. I didn't have any more pain the rest of the night. The next day though? It was all back again.
I've been back to him a few times since. The swelling still hasn't gone down so I still have a grapefruit sized disk just chillin' back there. Next week I'm on the decompression machine (basically it stretches your spine to realign it and help the disk to move back into place). It looks even more sci-fi than the 1st machine did. I asked him if it would make me taller.. he said no so now I'm bummed. But.. if it will help this fruit stand I have in my back go away, I'm willing to give it a try even if it means I'll still be 5'2" when I'm done.
Ok.. I'm done rambling now I guess. This post is longer than Heidi Fleiss' client list.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Farewell
***Warning! Long post since I haven't posted anything in a while.. hope you don't mind!*** :)
The next morning at school I asked Amy about having Johnny pick her up and spending the day at my house on Sat. Of course, she was all for it! Spending time alone with Tony?? She said she'd walk there if she had to.
The rest of the week dragged on and finally Friday arrived. As the final bell rang releasing school and I darted for the door, I yelled a promise to Amy that I'd call her later after I spoke to Johnny to confirm the plans. She returned an excited smile as I dashed outside and into my mom's car.
"What are you so happy about today, J?" My mom asked as I jumped in.
"Nothing. Just glad it's Friday is all."
"I'm surprised. I figured you'd be at least a little upset that tonight is your brother's last night with us."
That comment instantly made me lose the excitement for the weekend. Throughout the whole week I couldn't wait for the weekend because that meant I'd be spending time with Johnny, but I had completely forgotten about my brother. Now I was feeling sad and depressed.. because my brother was leaving and even more so because I had totally forgotten that tonight was the last night I'd see him for a while.
We drove the rest of the way home in silence. How could I have been so thoughtless? How could I have been so self-centered and selfish?
When we finally arrived home, my Dad and brother were already there getting things ready for a cook-out. There were a stack of movies sitting by the TV and some board games on the coffee table. Apparently they had already planned the whole evening.
I set my things down in my bedroom and joined everyone else on the back patio. When the food was finished, we grabbed our plates and headed back inside to watch a movie. The evening was spent stuffing our faces, watching movies, playing monopoly and retelling funny stories of things my brother and I did when we were little. The night couldn't have been any better, however there was a weight in the room. We all knew that this was the last time we'd have a night like this for a very long time, if ever. As of that night, our family dynamics were going to change in a huge way. The later it got, the more emotional everyone got.
My brother excused himself so he could finish packing. My parent's started to clean up and I followed my brother into his room. He was stuffing more things into a duffle bag so I flopped on his bed and watched for a long time without saying anything. When I finally drew in a breath to speak, he cut me off..
"Don't say it J." He said with his back towards me while he rummaged through some more drawers.
"Don't say what?"
"You know..."
I sat up, "Nooo.. I don't. What? What don't you want me to say?"
"Don't get all mushy on me. Don't start crying. Don't say something that will make me feel bad about leaving 'cus I'm already feeling bad"
I didn't say anything for a few minutes. I just sat there trying to think of something TO say that didn't fall in any of those categories. Instead of saying anything, I just walked up behind him and hugged him. He didn't turn around.. he didn't say anything either, he just put his arms on mine. I heard the phone ring, but didn't even move to go answer it. I really didn't care who it was right then. But a minute later I heard my mom yell that the phone was for me... which came at the right time because I felt tears forming and I didn't want to cry in front of my brother.
I let go of my brother and walked out, trying to pretend I wasn't crying. I took the phone call in my room and once I heard my mom hang the other line up, I said hello.
"Hey" It was Johnny. Such a way with words...
"Hey" I said, trying to make sure my voice didn't sound like I was upset... it didn't work.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing" Good thing about guys, when you say nothing.. they usually drop it.
"So... we still on for tomorrow? Tony's definately coming. Am I picking Amy up?"
I filled him in on the time, when and where to pick up Amy and got off the phone shortly after. As I hung up and got ready to call Amy, I realized I just wasn't as excited as I had been before. I tried to push the sadness away for the time being and called Amy.
Of course, she was excited. REALLLYY excited. I listened to her go on and on about how excited she was, what she was going to wear and everything else in between. I had to interupt her a few times to make sure she understood that they could NOT have sex in any of the bedrooms since that's what she was insinuating she wanted to do. I let her ramble on for awhile then got off the phone. I wanted to spend a little more time with my family before the night was over.
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My mom woke me up around 6am the next morning. I definately was suffering from an emotional hangover and felt like crap but I drug my body out of bed anyway. We all sat down and had a quick breakfast before packing my brother's things in the car.
I couldn't help it. When it was time to say goodbye, I broke down and cried. Cried like a baby. Cried like I was never going to see him again, though he'd be back for a week or two after he completed basic training. I kept hugging him and crying. I could tell by the look in his eye that a part of him didn't want to leave, but he was going to anyway.
Finally my dad pulled me away and said they had to go if they were going to make it in time. I stayed out on the porch and waved until they drove out of sight. I went back inside, grabbed my pack of cigarettes and sat back on the porch for hours just smoking. Around 9:30am the phone rang and it was Amy asking if I was ready yet. I couldn't believe I had sat out there so long and rushed to get off the phone to get ready. The guys were picking her up at 10:30 and I still had to shower. She said she'd call when she was leaving her house and we hung up. I ran around like a crazy person trying to get ready and find something 'cute' to wear. I finally decided on a pair of overalls and a tiny t-shirt. (don't laugh.. it was the early 90's.. it was in style then! lol)
Just as I was putting the finishing details of make-up on, my phone rang again. It was Amy and she was leaving her house. They would be here in less than 20 min. I hung up the phone and tried to calm my nerves. My heart was beating a mile a minute and I felt like I was going to hyper-ventilate. Grabbing my cigarettes again, I headed outside. I smoke 2 more cigarettes and went back inside and paced. I tried to calm down but nothing helped. Just as I looked at the clock and knew that they would be arriving any minute, I heard a car pull into the driveway and honk.
I swung open the door just as they were walking up. Johnny came up and gave me a big hug and kiss. Of course I returned the kiss, but tried to play it down some in front of everyone else. Tony had his arm drapped over Amy's shoulders while he whispered something in her ear and she giggled. I led them into the house and we all found a seat. Right away Amy and Tony started making out on the couch and Johnny asked for a tour. Not that my house was all that big.. just a standard 3 bedroom/2 bed house with a living room, family room, dinning room and kitchen, 2 car garage. That's it. Nothing special.. not even a 2 story house.
I gave him a quick tour, showing him my brother's room, the bathroom and my bedroom first and tried to quickly walk through to the rest of the house so we could end the tour back with Amy and Tony. However, Johnny had other plans. He grabbed my hand and led me back to my bedroom; closing the door behind me, pulling me towards him and started kissing me. I felt his hands begin to wonder down lower and lower to rub my ass. I didn't pull away or try to move his hand thinking he'd be happy with that. I was wrong. His other hand slid down to move under my shirt. When I felt his hand make contact with my bra and still try to go under that, I gently pushed his hand down. He made sort of a unhappy grunt and slid his hand back up. His other hand left my ass and began to undo the straps of my overalls. When he got one off and moved on to the second one, I would go and connect the other again. We did this back and forth for a few minutes. I tried to giggle a little, acting like I was being playful though I told him no a few times.
At first he seemed to be okay with it, then his face changed. He went from half smiling to having an angry look on his face. I knew that face and I went to step back. He grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me onto the bed. I was so shocked I just laid there for a second before trying to get back up. He pushed me down again, saying nothing. He didn't need to, his face said it all. As I was laying on my back on my bed, he leaned over me, pinning my legs with his and stared at me as if daring me to try to get up again. I stared back at him, meeting his angry eyes and squirmed under his weight.
The phone started ringing and I let it ring a few times before speaking.
"I need to get that in case it's my parents"
He still didn't say anything but he let me get up and answer the phone. It WAS my parents. They were calling to say they just saw my brother off and were on their way to the wedding. Johnny was standing in front of me still as I sat on the bed, but he wasn't close enough to hear the conversation, only my side. My mom filled me in on my brother's departure and told me again that they wouldn't be home until after 7pm. We said our goodbyes and when I heard her side of the phone click, letting me know she had hung up, I said into the reciever:
"O.K... well.. I'll see you soon then. How soon do you think you'll be here?"
Pause...
"Wow.. that soon. O.K. well see you in about 20 minutes then. Bye"
And I hung up the phone and looked at Johnny. He had a quizative look on his face, as if he didn't completely believe me, but I didn't care.
"Looks like they aren't going to the wedding. My mom's not up for it now... they'll be here in about 20 minutes."
I just sat there and looked at him as he stared a hole through my head. He took a few steps back to let me stand, and when I did he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me.
"No one tells me no! NO ONE!"
My head flopped back and forth like a ragdoll. He shook me some more then let go. I fell back onto the bed as he stormed out.
"TONY! WE'RE LEAVING! NOW!" Johnny roared as he entered the livingroom and went straight for the door. I was coming out of my bedroom as I saw Johnny swing open the front door and storm to his car. Amy looked at me and asked what happened.. I told her I'd tell her later and that they better go before Johnny leaves without them. With a promise to call me as soon as she got home, her and Tony sprinted for the car. Johnny had already had it started and was backing out when they made it to the driveway. Amy waved goodbye and jumped in.
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About 4pm Amy called to find out what had happened. Saying Johnny drove like an idiot all the way back to her house in silence. Tony had asked him a few times what had happened and why he was so mad but he wouldn't answer. Amy sat in silence and prayed she made it home without any accidents.
I was in the middle of explaining what had happened when my phone beeped. Thinking it might be my parents, I told her I'd call her back and switched over to the other line. As soon as I answered, I heard Johnny's booming voice yelling...
"Don't you EVER tell me no again! If you do.. you will regret it! The next time your parents see you will be when you're sitting in a hospital room! Do you understand!!?"
Very quietly I said "Okay."
"WHAT?"
"I said O.k."
"Is that all you have to say???"
"Umm.. I'm sorry?"
"I can't talk to you right now. I'm still pissed off. I'm going to call you either later tonight or tomorrow and you better answer the phone! Remember.. I know where you live now!" he yelled and hung up.
I sat on the floor and wondered.. what in the hell had I gotten myself into.. and how do I get myself out of it? Did I really want to get out of it... didn't I?
The next morning at school I asked Amy about having Johnny pick her up and spending the day at my house on Sat. Of course, she was all for it! Spending time alone with Tony?? She said she'd walk there if she had to.
The rest of the week dragged on and finally Friday arrived. As the final bell rang releasing school and I darted for the door, I yelled a promise to Amy that I'd call her later after I spoke to Johnny to confirm the plans. She returned an excited smile as I dashed outside and into my mom's car.
"What are you so happy about today, J?" My mom asked as I jumped in.
"Nothing. Just glad it's Friday is all."
"I'm surprised. I figured you'd be at least a little upset that tonight is your brother's last night with us."
That comment instantly made me lose the excitement for the weekend. Throughout the whole week I couldn't wait for the weekend because that meant I'd be spending time with Johnny, but I had completely forgotten about my brother. Now I was feeling sad and depressed.. because my brother was leaving and even more so because I had totally forgotten that tonight was the last night I'd see him for a while.
We drove the rest of the way home in silence. How could I have been so thoughtless? How could I have been so self-centered and selfish?
When we finally arrived home, my Dad and brother were already there getting things ready for a cook-out. There were a stack of movies sitting by the TV and some board games on the coffee table. Apparently they had already planned the whole evening.
I set my things down in my bedroom and joined everyone else on the back patio. When the food was finished, we grabbed our plates and headed back inside to watch a movie. The evening was spent stuffing our faces, watching movies, playing monopoly and retelling funny stories of things my brother and I did when we were little. The night couldn't have been any better, however there was a weight in the room. We all knew that this was the last time we'd have a night like this for a very long time, if ever. As of that night, our family dynamics were going to change in a huge way. The later it got, the more emotional everyone got.
My brother excused himself so he could finish packing. My parent's started to clean up and I followed my brother into his room. He was stuffing more things into a duffle bag so I flopped on his bed and watched for a long time without saying anything. When I finally drew in a breath to speak, he cut me off..
"Don't say it J." He said with his back towards me while he rummaged through some more drawers.
"Don't say what?"
"You know..."
I sat up, "Nooo.. I don't. What? What don't you want me to say?"
"Don't get all mushy on me. Don't start crying. Don't say something that will make me feel bad about leaving 'cus I'm already feeling bad"
I didn't say anything for a few minutes. I just sat there trying to think of something TO say that didn't fall in any of those categories. Instead of saying anything, I just walked up behind him and hugged him. He didn't turn around.. he didn't say anything either, he just put his arms on mine. I heard the phone ring, but didn't even move to go answer it. I really didn't care who it was right then. But a minute later I heard my mom yell that the phone was for me... which came at the right time because I felt tears forming and I didn't want to cry in front of my brother.
I let go of my brother and walked out, trying to pretend I wasn't crying. I took the phone call in my room and once I heard my mom hang the other line up, I said hello.
"Hey" It was Johnny. Such a way with words...
"Hey" I said, trying to make sure my voice didn't sound like I was upset... it didn't work.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing" Good thing about guys, when you say nothing.. they usually drop it.
"So... we still on for tomorrow? Tony's definately coming. Am I picking Amy up?"
I filled him in on the time, when and where to pick up Amy and got off the phone shortly after. As I hung up and got ready to call Amy, I realized I just wasn't as excited as I had been before. I tried to push the sadness away for the time being and called Amy.
Of course, she was excited. REALLLYY excited. I listened to her go on and on about how excited she was, what she was going to wear and everything else in between. I had to interupt her a few times to make sure she understood that they could NOT have sex in any of the bedrooms since that's what she was insinuating she wanted to do. I let her ramble on for awhile then got off the phone. I wanted to spend a little more time with my family before the night was over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mom woke me up around 6am the next morning. I definately was suffering from an emotional hangover and felt like crap but I drug my body out of bed anyway. We all sat down and had a quick breakfast before packing my brother's things in the car.
I couldn't help it. When it was time to say goodbye, I broke down and cried. Cried like a baby. Cried like I was never going to see him again, though he'd be back for a week or two after he completed basic training. I kept hugging him and crying. I could tell by the look in his eye that a part of him didn't want to leave, but he was going to anyway.
Finally my dad pulled me away and said they had to go if they were going to make it in time. I stayed out on the porch and waved until they drove out of sight. I went back inside, grabbed my pack of cigarettes and sat back on the porch for hours just smoking. Around 9:30am the phone rang and it was Amy asking if I was ready yet. I couldn't believe I had sat out there so long and rushed to get off the phone to get ready. The guys were picking her up at 10:30 and I still had to shower. She said she'd call when she was leaving her house and we hung up. I ran around like a crazy person trying to get ready and find something 'cute' to wear. I finally decided on a pair of overalls and a tiny t-shirt. (don't laugh.. it was the early 90's.. it was in style then! lol)
Just as I was putting the finishing details of make-up on, my phone rang again. It was Amy and she was leaving her house. They would be here in less than 20 min. I hung up the phone and tried to calm my nerves. My heart was beating a mile a minute and I felt like I was going to hyper-ventilate. Grabbing my cigarettes again, I headed outside. I smoke 2 more cigarettes and went back inside and paced. I tried to calm down but nothing helped. Just as I looked at the clock and knew that they would be arriving any minute, I heard a car pull into the driveway and honk.
I swung open the door just as they were walking up. Johnny came up and gave me a big hug and kiss. Of course I returned the kiss, but tried to play it down some in front of everyone else. Tony had his arm drapped over Amy's shoulders while he whispered something in her ear and she giggled. I led them into the house and we all found a seat. Right away Amy and Tony started making out on the couch and Johnny asked for a tour. Not that my house was all that big.. just a standard 3 bedroom/2 bed house with a living room, family room, dinning room and kitchen, 2 car garage. That's it. Nothing special.. not even a 2 story house.
I gave him a quick tour, showing him my brother's room, the bathroom and my bedroom first and tried to quickly walk through to the rest of the house so we could end the tour back with Amy and Tony. However, Johnny had other plans. He grabbed my hand and led me back to my bedroom; closing the door behind me, pulling me towards him and started kissing me. I felt his hands begin to wonder down lower and lower to rub my ass. I didn't pull away or try to move his hand thinking he'd be happy with that. I was wrong. His other hand slid down to move under my shirt. When I felt his hand make contact with my bra and still try to go under that, I gently pushed his hand down. He made sort of a unhappy grunt and slid his hand back up. His other hand left my ass and began to undo the straps of my overalls. When he got one off and moved on to the second one, I would go and connect the other again. We did this back and forth for a few minutes. I tried to giggle a little, acting like I was being playful though I told him no a few times.
At first he seemed to be okay with it, then his face changed. He went from half smiling to having an angry look on his face. I knew that face and I went to step back. He grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me onto the bed. I was so shocked I just laid there for a second before trying to get back up. He pushed me down again, saying nothing. He didn't need to, his face said it all. As I was laying on my back on my bed, he leaned over me, pinning my legs with his and stared at me as if daring me to try to get up again. I stared back at him, meeting his angry eyes and squirmed under his weight.
The phone started ringing and I let it ring a few times before speaking.
"I need to get that in case it's my parents"
He still didn't say anything but he let me get up and answer the phone. It WAS my parents. They were calling to say they just saw my brother off and were on their way to the wedding. Johnny was standing in front of me still as I sat on the bed, but he wasn't close enough to hear the conversation, only my side. My mom filled me in on my brother's departure and told me again that they wouldn't be home until after 7pm. We said our goodbyes and when I heard her side of the phone click, letting me know she had hung up, I said into the reciever:
"O.K... well.. I'll see you soon then. How soon do you think you'll be here?"
Pause...
"Wow.. that soon. O.K. well see you in about 20 minutes then. Bye"
And I hung up the phone and looked at Johnny. He had a quizative look on his face, as if he didn't completely believe me, but I didn't care.
"Looks like they aren't going to the wedding. My mom's not up for it now... they'll be here in about 20 minutes."
I just sat there and looked at him as he stared a hole through my head. He took a few steps back to let me stand, and when I did he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me.
"No one tells me no! NO ONE!"
My head flopped back and forth like a ragdoll. He shook me some more then let go. I fell back onto the bed as he stormed out.
"TONY! WE'RE LEAVING! NOW!" Johnny roared as he entered the livingroom and went straight for the door. I was coming out of my bedroom as I saw Johnny swing open the front door and storm to his car. Amy looked at me and asked what happened.. I told her I'd tell her later and that they better go before Johnny leaves without them. With a promise to call me as soon as she got home, her and Tony sprinted for the car. Johnny had already had it started and was backing out when they made it to the driveway. Amy waved goodbye and jumped in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
About 4pm Amy called to find out what had happened. Saying Johnny drove like an idiot all the way back to her house in silence. Tony had asked him a few times what had happened and why he was so mad but he wouldn't answer. Amy sat in silence and prayed she made it home without any accidents.
I was in the middle of explaining what had happened when my phone beeped. Thinking it might be my parents, I told her I'd call her back and switched over to the other line. As soon as I answered, I heard Johnny's booming voice yelling...
"Don't you EVER tell me no again! If you do.. you will regret it! The next time your parents see you will be when you're sitting in a hospital room! Do you understand!!?"
Very quietly I said "Okay."
"WHAT?"
"I said O.k."
"Is that all you have to say???"
"Umm.. I'm sorry?"
"I can't talk to you right now. I'm still pissed off. I'm going to call you either later tonight or tomorrow and you better answer the phone! Remember.. I know where you live now!" he yelled and hung up.
I sat on the floor and wondered.. what in the hell had I gotten myself into.. and how do I get myself out of it? Did I really want to get out of it... didn't I?
Monday, April 11, 2011
Going away
My parents arrived home around 6pm and as we all sat down to eat dinner, my brother made his big announcement.
"Mom, Dad.. I have to leave for bootcamp this weekend."
My mother dropped her fork and my father chocked on his water.
"WHAT?!" my mom asked as she shot my dad a look to see if he was O.K.
My brother explained to them what he told me either.
"What about school?" My dad asked him after he recovered from the coughing fit.
"I have enough credits to graduate now. I'm just there because I was going to walk with the rest of my class. I don't actually NEED to be there. You know that. I showed you all that paperwork before."
My father got quiet and looked at my mom. We all expected her to flip, but she didn't. She was sitting there quietly sliding her food around her plate. I kept to myself.. no need to draw attention in my direction. When I finished eating, I asked to be excused and let my parents talk in private with my brother. I knew they wouldn't be happy, but really.. what could they do? Who tells 'Uncle Sam' no??
When I heard the conversation was winding down and the clatter of plates I walked back in to help with the dishes. My mother was alone in the kitchen, I had no idea where my dad or brother had gone off to.
"Hey.. you need any help?" I asked tentively. She didn't answer me right away and I just waited, not wanting to leave but didn't want to probe either. Eventually she did say yes and we worked in silence for the most part until I finally spoke.
"Where'd everyone go?"
"Your brother's in his room starting to pack and your dad went to the store. Said he needed something, but I know he really just went to have a cigarette." Though my mom knew my dad smoked, she hated it so he wouldn't smoke at the house.
We finished up the dishes and I retreated back to my room. My brother was leaving in less than 2 days for boot camp.. I couldn't believe it. Though I knew he had said he wanted to join the Army, I guess I never really thought he actually would and now the time came. Come Saturday morning, my parents were dropping him off on their way to a wedding in Tampa. I wasn't going to the wedding, so I was going to have to say my goodbyes at the house. Which was fine with me because I knew I was going to have a hard time saying goodbye not knowing when I'd see him again.
As I sat in my room thinking about my brother leaving, the phone rang. My mom knocked on my door to tell me it was for me. I had 2 guesses who it would be.. Amy or Johnny. I was hoping it was Johnny. I picked up the phone in my room and asked my mom to hang up the other line. When I heard the phone finally click I said hello.
"Hey J"
"Hi, Johnny. What's up?"
"Nothing really. I said I'd call you tonight."
We continue to chat about all different things, including the day we spent together.
"Hey Johnny... I have a question.. I was wondering.. what are you doing Saturday during the day?"
"I don't have any plans, why? Did you want to hang out?"
I explained that my parents would be at a wedding and asked him if he wanted to come over and if he'd pick up Amy on the way if she said it was O.K. He agreed, I promised that I'd ask Amy either that night or the next day at school if it was O.K. with her and asked him to call me Friday evening.
My parents had decided that since it was my brother's last night with us on Friday, we would have a family night so I wasn't going out with friends. He agreed to call and we said our goodbyes. It was already getting late by the time we got off the phone so I just went to bed.
I had no idea that what I had asked him was the starting point for so many things down the road.....
"Mom, Dad.. I have to leave for bootcamp this weekend."
My mother dropped her fork and my father chocked on his water.
"WHAT?!" my mom asked as she shot my dad a look to see if he was O.K.
My brother explained to them what he told me either.
"What about school?" My dad asked him after he recovered from the coughing fit.
"I have enough credits to graduate now. I'm just there because I was going to walk with the rest of my class. I don't actually NEED to be there. You know that. I showed you all that paperwork before."
My father got quiet and looked at my mom. We all expected her to flip, but she didn't. She was sitting there quietly sliding her food around her plate. I kept to myself.. no need to draw attention in my direction. When I finished eating, I asked to be excused and let my parents talk in private with my brother. I knew they wouldn't be happy, but really.. what could they do? Who tells 'Uncle Sam' no??
When I heard the conversation was winding down and the clatter of plates I walked back in to help with the dishes. My mother was alone in the kitchen, I had no idea where my dad or brother had gone off to.
"Hey.. you need any help?" I asked tentively. She didn't answer me right away and I just waited, not wanting to leave but didn't want to probe either. Eventually she did say yes and we worked in silence for the most part until I finally spoke.
"Where'd everyone go?"
"Your brother's in his room starting to pack and your dad went to the store. Said he needed something, but I know he really just went to have a cigarette." Though my mom knew my dad smoked, she hated it so he wouldn't smoke at the house.
We finished up the dishes and I retreated back to my room. My brother was leaving in less than 2 days for boot camp.. I couldn't believe it. Though I knew he had said he wanted to join the Army, I guess I never really thought he actually would and now the time came. Come Saturday morning, my parents were dropping him off on their way to a wedding in Tampa. I wasn't going to the wedding, so I was going to have to say my goodbyes at the house. Which was fine with me because I knew I was going to have a hard time saying goodbye not knowing when I'd see him again.
As I sat in my room thinking about my brother leaving, the phone rang. My mom knocked on my door to tell me it was for me. I had 2 guesses who it would be.. Amy or Johnny. I was hoping it was Johnny. I picked up the phone in my room and asked my mom to hang up the other line. When I heard the phone finally click I said hello.
"Hey J"
"Hi, Johnny. What's up?"
"Nothing really. I said I'd call you tonight."
We continue to chat about all different things, including the day we spent together.
"Hey Johnny... I have a question.. I was wondering.. what are you doing Saturday during the day?"
"I don't have any plans, why? Did you want to hang out?"
I explained that my parents would be at a wedding and asked him if he wanted to come over and if he'd pick up Amy on the way if she said it was O.K. He agreed, I promised that I'd ask Amy either that night or the next day at school if it was O.K. with her and asked him to call me Friday evening.
My parents had decided that since it was my brother's last night with us on Friday, we would have a family night so I wasn't going out with friends. He agreed to call and we said our goodbyes. It was already getting late by the time we got off the phone so I just went to bed.
I had no idea that what I had asked him was the starting point for so many things down the road.....
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Update!
First let me say I'm soooo sooo sorry for just up and leaving without a word since. I really have no excuse other than I just didn't feel like posting. As you guys know, I had some health issues going on and after that.. well.. I just didn't feel like doing anything. Especially posts. But! I have an update!! :)
I returned to my Dr. for a 6wks check up of my heart. He listened intently.. then listen some more. He pulled away with a puzzled look on his face.
"What's wrong now, Doc?" I asked
"I can't hear it. I can't hear it at all. I know it was there last time. Mary.. come listen to see if you can hear it. You did hear it last time, right?"
Mary the nurse took her turn listening to my heart and she as well couldn't hear the tale-tell sounds of the thump, thump, click. They both looked at each other with WTF faces.
"J, do you have time to do an EKG while you're here? I want to make sure it's really gone."
I did have the time. Hell, even if I didn't have the time, I'd make time because I wanted to know! 45 minutes later they were unhooking the leads and sent me back to the exam room. The Dr. came in shortly after half smiling, half still confused.
"J. I swear I heard it the last time you were here. Mary heard it... I'm not going crazy. It really was there. But your EKG is perfect. So, I don't know what happened, but your heart is healthy with no signs of a mitral valve prolapse. Maybe it was just the meds you were on, but whatever it was.. it's gone now. Congrats!!" he smiled as he hugged me. I released a breath I didn't even know I was holding and though really confused of how it just 'went away', I was happy with the news.
Of course my mom went with me to this appointment too so as soon as I was back in the lobby, she wasted no time in asking me. "SO! What did he say? You were back there for ever!" I smiled, told her what happened and she I think she was more excited that I was I think. As we walked out the door and into the parking lot she looked over at me and said, "Your Dad and I have been praying that He would fix this as since you found out. Looks like He did."
Now, I'm SOOOO not a religious person. I don't go to Church, though my parents do. I don't have any desire to go to Church. I have my own issues with Church which is another post of another time lol. But, as I walked to the car I thought about what my mom said... hey.. maybe the 'power of prayer' really does work? I honestly don't know. All I do know is that 6wks before I had a heart problem. I didn't take any med's to correct it, as there were none available My Grandmother prayed, my Grandfather prayed, my parent's prayed and my best friend prayed that He would fix my heart. I didn't change my lifestyle any. The only thing that changed was that I was off the meds for my cold. Did my heart correct itself once I was off the meds? Or was it all the prayer? I don't know.. I'll never know.. but.. whatever it was.. it worked and I'm very thankful.
Now that that is over with and this (horrible) semester is almost done, I'm hoping to have more time.. and more desire.. to post more. I can't promise it will be weekly, but I will try. I hope everyone has had a great year so far!! :)
I returned to my Dr. for a 6wks check up of my heart. He listened intently.. then listen some more. He pulled away with a puzzled look on his face.
"What's wrong now, Doc?" I asked
"I can't hear it. I can't hear it at all. I know it was there last time. Mary.. come listen to see if you can hear it. You did hear it last time, right?"
Mary the nurse took her turn listening to my heart and she as well couldn't hear the tale-tell sounds of the thump, thump, click. They both looked at each other with WTF faces.
"J, do you have time to do an EKG while you're here? I want to make sure it's really gone."
I did have the time. Hell, even if I didn't have the time, I'd make time because I wanted to know! 45 minutes later they were unhooking the leads and sent me back to the exam room. The Dr. came in shortly after half smiling, half still confused.
"J. I swear I heard it the last time you were here. Mary heard it... I'm not going crazy. It really was there. But your EKG is perfect. So, I don't know what happened, but your heart is healthy with no signs of a mitral valve prolapse. Maybe it was just the meds you were on, but whatever it was.. it's gone now. Congrats!!" he smiled as he hugged me. I released a breath I didn't even know I was holding and though really confused of how it just 'went away', I was happy with the news.
Of course my mom went with me to this appointment too so as soon as I was back in the lobby, she wasted no time in asking me. "SO! What did he say? You were back there for ever!" I smiled, told her what happened and she I think she was more excited that I was I think. As we walked out the door and into the parking lot she looked over at me and said, "Your Dad and I have been praying that He would fix this as since you found out. Looks like He did."
Now, I'm SOOOO not a religious person. I don't go to Church, though my parents do. I don't have any desire to go to Church. I have my own issues with Church which is another post of another time lol. But, as I walked to the car I thought about what my mom said... hey.. maybe the 'power of prayer' really does work? I honestly don't know. All I do know is that 6wks before I had a heart problem. I didn't take any med's to correct it, as there were none available My Grandmother prayed, my Grandfather prayed, my parent's prayed and my best friend prayed that He would fix my heart. I didn't change my lifestyle any. The only thing that changed was that I was off the meds for my cold. Did my heart correct itself once I was off the meds? Or was it all the prayer? I don't know.. I'll never know.. but.. whatever it was.. it worked and I'm very thankful.
Now that that is over with and this (horrible) semester is almost done, I'm hoping to have more time.. and more desire.. to post more. I can't promise it will be weekly, but I will try. I hope everyone has had a great year so far!! :)
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Distractions gone
The time was getting close and Amy and I had to be home soon. We all piled back into the car and headed to Amy's house to drop her off first. Amy and Tony said their goodbyes with a lot of kissing and hands wondering while the rest of us acted like we didn't notice.
Jasper was silent in the backseat, looking like someone just kicked his dog and Johnny was trying to see how far I'd let his hand go up my leg. Finally, Amy walked into her house, Tony got back in the car and we headed to my house.
We pulled into my drive 15 min later and I was nervous of what kind of goodbye Johnny and I would have after watching Amy and Tony. I exited the car and walked up to the front door with Johnny behind me. I wasn't about to offer him inside so I turned around to say my goodbyes there.
He pulled me in for a hug and kissed along my neck. My mind was fighting my body. It felt wonderful, but my brain was telling me to have him stop. Stop before it went too far. We stood there and made out like the teenager I was. Luckily, I heard a car coming down the road and before Johnny's hands had made contact with my ass, my brother rounded the turn.
I pulled back from Johnny, a little breathless, "Uh.. you have to go! Now! That's my brother!"
He looked in the direction of my brother's car and glanced back at me with a look on his face like "I don't give a shit". But my urging and me physically pushing him away made changed his mind. He gave me 1 last kiss goodbye and walked to his car.
"Call me later tonight! I have a question for you!" I hollard after him and unlocked the door.
My brother was waiting to pull into the drive way as Johnny was pulling out. I could tell my brother wasn't happy as he made his way to the front door. I tried to act casual, but it didn't work.
"Who was that?"
"Oh.. just some friends. They gave me a ride home."
"J.. you're in middle school. None of your friends are old enough to drive yet. Who was that!?"
"They were friends of Amy's, from high school."
"Why did he walk you to the door? He looks a little too old to be in high school." he replied skeptically.
"Oh well.. he's 19. Got held back or something. Anyway.. why are you home so early? I thought you were working tonight?" I tried to change the subject as fast as I could. I always had a hard time lying to my brother.
"They took me off the schedule since I'm leaving this weekend for the Army"
"Wait! What?? I thought you weren't leaving for a few more weeks or like a month or something!? Why did it change? Why so soon?"
"Because the unit I'll be assigned to because of the job I selected is going through bootcamp next week and they didn't want me to be behind"
Well that just ruined a nice day. I had no idea how my parents were going to react to that, but I knew it wasn't going to be good. At least with that going on tonight, they won't ask me too many questions about what I did in school that day or anything else. At least the pressure was off me for the time being but I knew as soon as my brother left for boot camp, there would not be anyone else to distract them from the things I did.
Jasper was silent in the backseat, looking like someone just kicked his dog and Johnny was trying to see how far I'd let his hand go up my leg. Finally, Amy walked into her house, Tony got back in the car and we headed to my house.
We pulled into my drive 15 min later and I was nervous of what kind of goodbye Johnny and I would have after watching Amy and Tony. I exited the car and walked up to the front door with Johnny behind me. I wasn't about to offer him inside so I turned around to say my goodbyes there.
He pulled me in for a hug and kissed along my neck. My mind was fighting my body. It felt wonderful, but my brain was telling me to have him stop. Stop before it went too far. We stood there and made out like the teenager I was. Luckily, I heard a car coming down the road and before Johnny's hands had made contact with my ass, my brother rounded the turn.
I pulled back from Johnny, a little breathless, "Uh.. you have to go! Now! That's my brother!"
He looked in the direction of my brother's car and glanced back at me with a look on his face like "I don't give a shit". But my urging and me physically pushing him away made changed his mind. He gave me 1 last kiss goodbye and walked to his car.
"Call me later tonight! I have a question for you!" I hollard after him and unlocked the door.
My brother was waiting to pull into the drive way as Johnny was pulling out. I could tell my brother wasn't happy as he made his way to the front door. I tried to act casual, but it didn't work.
"Who was that?"
"Oh.. just some friends. They gave me a ride home."
"J.. you're in middle school. None of your friends are old enough to drive yet. Who was that!?"
"They were friends of Amy's, from high school."
"Why did he walk you to the door? He looks a little too old to be in high school." he replied skeptically.
"Oh well.. he's 19. Got held back or something. Anyway.. why are you home so early? I thought you were working tonight?" I tried to change the subject as fast as I could. I always had a hard time lying to my brother.
"They took me off the schedule since I'm leaving this weekend for the Army"
"Wait! What?? I thought you weren't leaving for a few more weeks or like a month or something!? Why did it change? Why so soon?"
"Because the unit I'll be assigned to because of the job I selected is going through bootcamp next week and they didn't want me to be behind"
Well that just ruined a nice day. I had no idea how my parents were going to react to that, but I knew it wasn't going to be good. At least with that going on tonight, they won't ask me too many questions about what I did in school that day or anything else. At least the pressure was off me for the time being but I knew as soon as my brother left for boot camp, there would not be anyone else to distract them from the things I did.
Friday, January 14, 2011
A little off topic
Well, I was feeling a little better last night and had decided to write a post today. It was going to relate to the other posts, but then, before I got a chance to write anything, my Dr's office called to check on me to see how I was feeling.
When I told the nurse that even though I have been off the latest antibiotics for 3 days now, I'm still not feeling better which is surprising because normally within a few days of taking antibiotics I'm usually back to my old self and don't really need the remainder. She put me on hold while she spoke to the Dr. and came back to say he wanted to see me in an hour to 'rule out anything else'.
I changed out of my warm PJ's and headed over. Even though she told me that they were going to fit me in, in between his other appointments, I had hoped I wouldn't have to wait very long. I sat in the waiting room for another hour, as there were 4 other people ahead of me that actually HAD appointments.
I was finally called back and the nurse did the normal stuff. Blood pressure (was good), weight (lost 4 lbs in 10 days.. idk if that's good or not lol) and temp (had a low grade fever. My normal body temp is lower than average.. it's usually 97.6, temp today was 99.8. So for a regular person, that would be 100.8 so it wasn't real bad compared to 10 days ago). Anyhow!
Finally got back into the room, Doc came in, asked if I was pregnant, I answered with "OMG! I hope to God not!!" he laughed.. but asked again. I said no (and crossed my fingers that that was true) and he sent me for a few lung xrays. 3 xrays later I was back in the room waiting for him.
He came in shortly after to tell me that my lungs look excellent. I inquired if there were ANY dark spots on my lungs, he said no and asked why. I told him I was a smoker (still) and he looked shocked. Said he couldn't tell by my xrays, said he even compared them to the xrays from 2004 and 2001 and that there's no signs of 'smokers lungs'. I was elated from that news. However, my excitement didn't last long.
He wanted to listen to my lungs again just to make sure they sounded O.K. and in the process, listen to my heart as well. Lungs sounded good, so my Bronchitis is pretty much gone, with just a little still lingering.
However, in the mists of listening to my heart, he got all excited.
Dr: "Wow! This is incredible! Mary (the nurse) you want to hear this?"
Mary: "Sure?! What am I supposed to be listening to?"
Dr: (to Mary) She has a Mitral Valve Prolapse.
Dr: (to me) In all the years I've been practicing medicine, I've never heard it so loud and clear before!
I just sat still in a daze while the nurse took her turn listening to my heart.
Mary: (to Dr) Wow! You really can hear it! Thump, thump, click.. thump, thump, click.
Dr: (to me) I've never heard this before today. You've never had heart problems, have you? Mary, check her chart.
She handed the stethascope back to the Dr. and he took a seat, rolling up close to me while she thumbed through the pages of my medical history.
Mary: (to Dr) No. There's no record of it in here.
Dr: I didn't think so.. I would have remembered this. (to me) You've been coming to me since you were what.. 7? And you've never had any heart issues?
Me: Yea, I was 7 and no, I never have.
I just sat there and stared at him.
Me: So.. um... what does this mean?
Dr: Well, it means that your left valve is not closing properly when releasing the blood out of your heart and blood is being pooled back in.
I just sat there and stared at him some more. I didn't know what to say or what to ask, there were so many things bouncing around in my head.
Me: Umm.. O.K. So.. now what?
Dr: Well, I want to keep an eye on this. There's really no course of treatment pill wise and until it progresses to a dangerous level, there's nothing to do. Once it does progress, you'll have to have surgery and either have the valve completely replaced or a shunt-type device will be inserted. I want to see you back in 6 wks for a recheck.
Me: What caused this? Can you tell?
Dr: At this time, I can't be sure. It could be the med's you're on for your Thyroid as a side effect. It could be the med's you were on for this cold that weakened the valve, it could be because heart problems run in your family. There's a lot of factors.
Me: Can it be reversed? I mean, if I went off my Thyroid meds, would it reverese this problem? If I started back working out, would that help? Is there anything I can do to fix this without surgery?
Dr: The damamge is done, from what, I cannot say. Yes, working out will strengthen your heart, however, over excerising can also damage it more. Take it easy for now. If you really want to excerise, I suggest something easy like walking. Don't go getting a gym membership and running on tread mills right now.
I couldn't think of anything else to ask at the moment and he sat there waiting patiently. When I looked up at him, I just shrugged as if to say; "well.. that's it then".
He gave me a hug, told me to get my script filled for some steriods and if I had any other questions, call or come in and if these steroids don't help my cold any, to come back in 10 days.
He walked to the door, opened it, looked back at me with a sympathetic smile and walked away. The nurse stayed with me for a few minutes asking if I needed anything or if I wanted her to wait with me. I declined her offer, grabbed my purse and left.
My mom had riden with me to my appointment and while I had thought about not telling her what he said because I didn't want to hear "See! You need to quit smoking now!". A lecture was the last thing I needed to hear. However, as soon as I saw her, I knew I couldn't NOT tell her. What if something happened? What if I had a heart attack tomorrow and I didn't tell her and it was information the EMTs needed to know? I told her as we stood face to face in the lobby. She hugged me and was quiet. But only for a few minutes lol.
"You know... you really should stop smoking..." (you know mom's can NOT stop to lecture sometimes lol)
Before she even finished her sentence, I glared at her and not so nicely told her a lecture on smokinng was the last thing I needed at the moment. She nodded in agreement and hugged me again..
On the way to the car, she asked me the same questions I had asked the Dr. I tried to answer her questions as best as I could.
"J, you'll get through this. We'll ALL get you through this. Trust me, I know, it's scary and you have so many questions. We're here for you for anything."
Her words made me tear up. It made me think back to a few years ago. It was her going through this. Though, instead of a Mitral Valve Prolapse, she had a full on heart attack with no warning. Her blood pressure was fine, she had no plaque build up, there were none of the traditional signs. However, she's a diabetic and her glucose levels were high and it made her artery completely collapse without warning stopping all blood flow to the bottom of her heart.
I knew then, if my mom can beat a heart attack, I can beat this too.
When I told the nurse that even though I have been off the latest antibiotics for 3 days now, I'm still not feeling better which is surprising because normally within a few days of taking antibiotics I'm usually back to my old self and don't really need the remainder. She put me on hold while she spoke to the Dr. and came back to say he wanted to see me in an hour to 'rule out anything else'.
I changed out of my warm PJ's and headed over. Even though she told me that they were going to fit me in, in between his other appointments, I had hoped I wouldn't have to wait very long. I sat in the waiting room for another hour, as there were 4 other people ahead of me that actually HAD appointments.
I was finally called back and the nurse did the normal stuff. Blood pressure (was good), weight (lost 4 lbs in 10 days.. idk if that's good or not lol) and temp (had a low grade fever. My normal body temp is lower than average.. it's usually 97.6, temp today was 99.8. So for a regular person, that would be 100.8 so it wasn't real bad compared to 10 days ago). Anyhow!
Finally got back into the room, Doc came in, asked if I was pregnant, I answered with "OMG! I hope to God not!!" he laughed.. but asked again. I said no (and crossed my fingers that that was true) and he sent me for a few lung xrays. 3 xrays later I was back in the room waiting for him.
He came in shortly after to tell me that my lungs look excellent. I inquired if there were ANY dark spots on my lungs, he said no and asked why. I told him I was a smoker (still) and he looked shocked. Said he couldn't tell by my xrays, said he even compared them to the xrays from 2004 and 2001 and that there's no signs of 'smokers lungs'. I was elated from that news. However, my excitement didn't last long.
He wanted to listen to my lungs again just to make sure they sounded O.K. and in the process, listen to my heart as well. Lungs sounded good, so my Bronchitis is pretty much gone, with just a little still lingering.
However, in the mists of listening to my heart, he got all excited.
Dr: "Wow! This is incredible! Mary (the nurse) you want to hear this?"
Mary: "Sure?! What am I supposed to be listening to?"
Dr: (to Mary) She has a Mitral Valve Prolapse.
Dr: (to me) In all the years I've been practicing medicine, I've never heard it so loud and clear before!
I just sat still in a daze while the nurse took her turn listening to my heart.
Mary: (to Dr) Wow! You really can hear it! Thump, thump, click.. thump, thump, click.
Dr: (to me) I've never heard this before today. You've never had heart problems, have you? Mary, check her chart.
She handed the stethascope back to the Dr. and he took a seat, rolling up close to me while she thumbed through the pages of my medical history.
Mary: (to Dr) No. There's no record of it in here.
Dr: I didn't think so.. I would have remembered this. (to me) You've been coming to me since you were what.. 7? And you've never had any heart issues?
Me: Yea, I was 7 and no, I never have.
I just sat there and stared at him.
Me: So.. um... what does this mean?
Dr: Well, it means that your left valve is not closing properly when releasing the blood out of your heart and blood is being pooled back in.
I just sat there and stared at him some more. I didn't know what to say or what to ask, there were so many things bouncing around in my head.
Me: Umm.. O.K. So.. now what?
Dr: Well, I want to keep an eye on this. There's really no course of treatment pill wise and until it progresses to a dangerous level, there's nothing to do. Once it does progress, you'll have to have surgery and either have the valve completely replaced or a shunt-type device will be inserted. I want to see you back in 6 wks for a recheck.
Me: What caused this? Can you tell?
Dr: At this time, I can't be sure. It could be the med's you're on for your Thyroid as a side effect. It could be the med's you were on for this cold that weakened the valve, it could be because heart problems run in your family. There's a lot of factors.
Me: Can it be reversed? I mean, if I went off my Thyroid meds, would it reverese this problem? If I started back working out, would that help? Is there anything I can do to fix this without surgery?
Dr: The damamge is done, from what, I cannot say. Yes, working out will strengthen your heart, however, over excerising can also damage it more. Take it easy for now. If you really want to excerise, I suggest something easy like walking. Don't go getting a gym membership and running on tread mills right now.
I couldn't think of anything else to ask at the moment and he sat there waiting patiently. When I looked up at him, I just shrugged as if to say; "well.. that's it then".
He gave me a hug, told me to get my script filled for some steriods and if I had any other questions, call or come in and if these steroids don't help my cold any, to come back in 10 days.
He walked to the door, opened it, looked back at me with a sympathetic smile and walked away. The nurse stayed with me for a few minutes asking if I needed anything or if I wanted her to wait with me. I declined her offer, grabbed my purse and left.
My mom had riden with me to my appointment and while I had thought about not telling her what he said because I didn't want to hear "See! You need to quit smoking now!". A lecture was the last thing I needed to hear. However, as soon as I saw her, I knew I couldn't NOT tell her. What if something happened? What if I had a heart attack tomorrow and I didn't tell her and it was information the EMTs needed to know? I told her as we stood face to face in the lobby. She hugged me and was quiet. But only for a few minutes lol.
"You know... you really should stop smoking..." (you know mom's can NOT stop to lecture sometimes lol)
Before she even finished her sentence, I glared at her and not so nicely told her a lecture on smokinng was the last thing I needed at the moment. She nodded in agreement and hugged me again..
On the way to the car, she asked me the same questions I had asked the Dr. I tried to answer her questions as best as I could.
"J, you'll get through this. We'll ALL get you through this. Trust me, I know, it's scary and you have so many questions. We're here for you for anything."
Her words made me tear up. It made me think back to a few years ago. It was her going through this. Though, instead of a Mitral Valve Prolapse, she had a full on heart attack with no warning. Her blood pressure was fine, she had no plaque build up, there were none of the traditional signs. However, she's a diabetic and her glucose levels were high and it made her artery completely collapse without warning stopping all blood flow to the bottom of her heart.
I knew then, if my mom can beat a heart attack, I can beat this too.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
So Sorry!
Hello everyone! I hope your Holiday was great and had a safe New Years.
I want to apologize for my lack of posts for pretty much the month of December. We had a death in the family and blogging took a backseat to everything else. I also spent most of Dec. in Alabama (unexpectedly) and as you know from previous posts, I have no internet there unless I find a hot spot somewhere, which is easier said than done.
Within 24 hours of coming home I got a bad headcold that eventually turned into Bronchitis, a double ear infection, sinusitis and tonsilitis with a temp running about 102 degrees. (I pretty much got every 'itis' there is!!) Many Dr's visits and many different kinds of antibiotics later, I'm still not well. I ended up having to go get a few breathing treatments a couple of times... you never know how very important breathing is until you can't do it! LOL So, now I've got my inhaler, some new meds and some hope that I'll be over this very soon!
I promise I'll get back to posting when I am feeling better. I hope you all forgive me for such a long break without any forewarning.
Happy New Year!! :)
I want to apologize for my lack of posts for pretty much the month of December. We had a death in the family and blogging took a backseat to everything else. I also spent most of Dec. in Alabama (unexpectedly) and as you know from previous posts, I have no internet there unless I find a hot spot somewhere, which is easier said than done.
Within 24 hours of coming home I got a bad headcold that eventually turned into Bronchitis, a double ear infection, sinusitis and tonsilitis with a temp running about 102 degrees. (I pretty much got every 'itis' there is!!) Many Dr's visits and many different kinds of antibiotics later, I'm still not well. I ended up having to go get a few breathing treatments a couple of times... you never know how very important breathing is until you can't do it! LOL So, now I've got my inhaler, some new meds and some hope that I'll be over this very soon!
I promise I'll get back to posting when I am feeling better. I hope you all forgive me for such a long break without any forewarning.
Happy New Year!! :)
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